coffee shop

and the man reads about health and fitness and success and wealth and family.
he is so learn-ed
he can advise
he does give advice both freely and when asked for
but in either case
the advice falls onto deaf ears of
Both
the listener
and the one talking.

Meanwhile
The ex-convict behind the counter sees the kids across the street in prom attire and comments "pretend dress up"
then with even more sarcasm "big night on the town, La -Dee-Dah" and continues with disdain in his voice "look at me, I'm all growed up in my rented suit and my too expensive dress" after a couple of long breaths he,...
he sees his life that has passed him by.  Life of troubles, lost opportunity, no time for the fairy tale of being a kid....
and he throws at me the words "this night aint worth a hill of beans,"
and then snarls with anger fueled by a lifetime of regrets "pretend dress up" emphasized with a harrumph!.

While I look I see the same kids all dressed up but I see the smiles that light up the night sky and steps so high they almost fly. And the words that rattle in my head are rebuttals to the ex-convicts verbal assault to the teenagers.

Meanwhile
the foursome, with two competing conversations
the two men, two women
one man reads a crossword dictionary out loud to one woman
and the other man occasionally gently plays a tune on his guitar
cross talk about subjects no one really cares about.
and the woman bored with hearing words from the dictionary, asks the guitarist to sing a song.


Meanwhile
The loner writing  his stories sits alone at a table


Meanwhile
as a woman and her four year old son walk away from the counter, he is holding some chocolate treat, she is holding the coffee for her and milk for him, looking for an empty table they see one next to the loner, she points,

the four year old puts the chocolate treat on the empty table, and then sits at the table with the loner writing his stories.


and the end of the day comes, a man riding a 20 yr old Raleigh.comes into the coffee shop.  The  the man most likely homeless, the bicycle worn - the years have been hard for both and they cling to each other as a reminder that at one time they were "top hat," the best there was, but that was too many years ago .  The man is there to ask the ex-con for a favor, for some food, for a special treat of fresh coffee,

The shop closes
The night time becomes the night life
and alcohol fuels the fun,
and at least one of the kids will lose their virginity, but all the boys hope to.
and the homeless man and his bicycle will find safe refuge in forgotten corner of the street.
the mom and son, will talk of manners and strangers
the learned man will read and learn some more.
the foursome will go their separate ways knowing they will meet up again soon.


and the loner will be alone.


and then the bakers will start baking
and the night will give way to the morning street sweeper
and the coffee shop will reopen

and he is never really home

His little girl says "Daddy, can I watch TV in your room with my friends if I promise to not go into your closet?"

she not knowing exactly what he does in there but knows that when he is is in there, he does not want to be bothered.

not knowing what the glass straws with black stains are
or the glass thing with dirty water
not knowing what causes the layer of dust and ash that is different from the normal dust in the house.

but she, so young, knows something in there needs to be hidden.

hidden,
not mentioned,
hidden,
not discussed,

like the time she and her daddy went to his friends house and she was told to stay in the house while they went into the garage to smoke, even though the night was crystal clear and one of those perfectly cool nights to be enjoyed before the heat of summer takes full hold.


like the time they went for a drive to one of his friends house, then another, than a third, never staying at each place for more than 30 minutes.

like the one dark night they went to one of his friends houses and the child needed to stay in the car and wait.

not knowing exactly what takes her daddy away, but she feels the loss
Strongly
feels the abandonment
feels the instability

she knows there is love, but the love has the price of chaos that she must bear.

and although she sees him three or four times a week he is never really home.

and you never come home

and the chaos became so overwhelming he did not now what to do.
so,
he,
created more chaos, hoping, praying that the latest crisis could overshadow the others
but the hardships conspire,
and each took its turn,
pounding
stepping on his chest
crushing his will
and now hopelessness so great
he sees only hopelessness

and he never comes home.

The stereotypes, creep in from the back of his head to blind him to the truth and make him think that
a man is supposed to be in control
a man is supposed to provide 100%
a man is supposed to do it alone
a man is not supposed to share his feelings
a man is not supposed to show weakness

with none of the stereotypes achievable
none of them fitting reality
his feelings of chaos now compete with feeling feeble and weak

and then one more piece of chaos arrives in the mail
he feels less than
less than
less than a man
less than a human
less than scum

and he never comes home.

and then the comparisons start,
he looks and sees others
the ones skinnier
the ones with a new truck
the ones with a better relationship
the ones with more money
the ones that spend time with their family
the ones that take time off work
the ones that are less addicted
the ones that are happier

happiness was lost over five years ago and nothing tried has been able to  replace it.
looking for an exact replacement for a work of fine art destroyed in a fire is impossible, and yet he still looks.
disappointed at each effort, and now he never comes home.

and he thinks the kids growing up so fast don't want him.

he does not see that they need him,
they desperately need him
they need that man that played catch
the man that came home
the man that had true friends
the man that shares his life
the man that forces a hug and kiss onto a boy too old for such things

and most important they need to hear his soothing voice as he looks at them with his crystal clear eyes and says to them "I love you"

and he never comes home.

like a battle to take a hill in some war, kids growing causes casualties and death.
dead are the days of the kids just waiting around for him
dead are the days of tickle sessions
dead are the days of carrying their small bodies up the stairs after they have fallen asleep on the couch.
dead are the days of them wanting him to be their whole life.

but like the battle for the hill has rewards, so do the growing children.

and he never comes home to see the rewards.


so steeped in his depression
so buried by his chaos
so much pressure from bullshit stereotypes
so much added ever week, every month
so alone

he does not see
see the kids so patiently waiting for their dad to come home
see the adults who have totally disrupted their lives for him
see the friends that are trying to hold on.

all waiting for him to come home.

What is it?

And to split into pieces
work as a team to divide
manageable now
what was insurmountable now dinner
-
-
-
--- eating an elephant ---



Slight fold
then tear strait
large is now small
-
-
-
--- rip paper ---



upper and lower
sometimes bulging from top encroaches onto bottom
discomfort from the obvious split
-
-
-
--- a belt too tight ---



breath shallow
mind racing
chest tight
unknown future
much fear
-
-
-
--- consequence ---




Anticipate joy
fear of discovery
on edge of safety
mind racing
some fear
some excitement
story to tell
-
-
-
--- a teenage late night ---



glancing look turns to partial stare
partial stare becomes locked gaze
turned body to hide the obvious
try's not to be obvious
but can't break away from the stare
saddened when family sits far away out of site
---  _________________  ---

food court table at the old mall

gross and sticky late in the day

a film so grimy
a table so  small,
small and at a mall
a mall that is two generations past its prime

hundreds of drips of spit and drool.
mixed with the remnants of spilled soda
blood dripping from fresh teenage wounds inflicted by dare, control, or just plain picking off a scab

and the occasional puss from open wounds completes the experience of a food court table at the old mall

Wandering

and the heat of the day hangs in the air long after the sun sets

the wanderer seeking meaning finds none
he was told of a place that may help, but the place was devoid of emotion

a meaningless life is a life with no meaning

Meaning is purpose

so his life is without purpose
no purpose, like a gall bladder or tonsils should just be cut out.

a life cut out is like paper
like people cut out of paper

paper people

nothing to stand for
no ability to,.. even if the desire is there

the old ways no longer effective  add to the flimsy paper life created

even the person on top of a house of cards is better for he has support
support to stand on

until the stiff breeze comes.

I, am only thin paper not even able to stand.

bio

The magnificent stare that pinned me to wanting more
the words that felt so real and Heart-felt
the delicate touch down my back that means trust
the caress,
that delicate gentle touching,  tracing,... exploring up and down my torso, so delicately with your hand, felt electrifying.

Would that I could see you again..

but then you knew it  was not meant to be, 

to get the passion again I would do it all again
losing my friends
lying to my family
struggling through the hard times and all the chaos

just to get back to
loving times
passionate times,

but you knew that our relationship would end, 

you knew that soon I would think that,..

that,..

that,..

The sight of you is,
is ,..
is betrayal

Your exterior is as pristine as a Llandro figurine
perfect
smooth
beautiful to look at
Carefully glazed
Glazed to smooth flawless perfection

but appearance is all that you are

inside you are ugly
Ugly like the sight of  dead person
dead partially burned to death,
dead with some skin still hanging
dead with raw meat exposed like dog ran over by a car and ripped into two pieces.

inside you are stench
the smell of a taxi where the cabbie working all night in the heat with no air conditioner
the putrid stench of sweat mixed with tobacco, alcohol and bodily fluids, left by a multitude of lovers.


Would that I could see you again,
to have that loving touch
your perfect body.

would that I could see you again

see you again, to try to make you see the pain you cause
see you again, to feel my knees go weak
see you again
see you again

I know you will never change
would that I could see you again

I know you have destroyed so many before me
would that I could see you again

I know how to stop you
If  I could see you again

see you again
so I could pin you down

pin you down and tattoo warnings across that perfectly unblemished skin,

words like "toxic" on your hands so delicate.

words of "heartless" across your chest so perfect.

words of "emotionless" across your stomach so flat and smooth

words of "selfish prick" across your waistline where your perfectly fitting jeans fills me with lust.

and the last tattoo would be would be on  the most that most private, of privates, the part that betrayed me the most

it

it would be tattooed pitch black swirls on a background of yellow

with the words

word of

words of "Bio Hazzard" across your _______

toDad fromEthan

Dad

Thank you for coming back to me

It was never about the money or the house or the car, It was always you, and the way you make me smile and laugh and feel.

And its about how you think your phone is so much better than mine, funny how with my phone I don’t need a restore partition.

Its not about the presents I’m going to get, it’s the way you shared with me how far down your pants used to sag.

You were there for me, for my first heartbreak, you may think I wasn’t really listening, but after talking to you I felt better.

You many times act more like a kid than I do, sometimes you act like a parent, and you are always like my best friend.

Well I just wanted to say thank you for being here in my life.

Note to Ethan's dad from Ethan commissioned by ‘perception’ for Christmas 2012

Tobasco Black and White

As if I was here just to do this

hopelessness so deep
darkness so pure
I,
A shadow that sees no light.

Light, my enemy that illuminates the despair in every corner of my life

Life, my nemesis that causes the agony, pain and the darkness

Darkness, my mentor that intensifies and hides the emotions,

emotions-they say are the spice and flavor to life
flavor and spice to enjoy
the sweet and spicy-hot

yet I feel only the burning pain

like an ounce of Tobasco in each eye
Agony, 
torture, 
no escape from the suffering

eyes watering
gallons of tears fall trying to ease my misery, 
but there is not enough water in the Colorado River
to flush out my pain
wash away my loneliness
or erode the tiniest bit off my Thick Layer of Despair.

From sheer and  utter exhaustion finally my tears stop,  
and i awake to the television

... And the TV shows lions killing a zebra,
Momentary violence
a little struggle
then as life bleeds out of the black and white animal,..
.. Calmness washes over the agony,
and I see the Zebra smile.


his smile flashes to me an awareness I have never felt before and at that moment it becomes crystal clear that

life is not Gray and colorless
Life is not many different flavors of sweet and spice

Life is simple
simple like salt and pepper.

Black and white with a little bit of red,

and like the wild dogs of africa know their place at the feast of the dead zebra. I too know my place and now completely understand.

Agony is black
pain is black
my life is black

There is no white and my colorful crimson is trapped deep inside.

I embrace the black

and I,
I decide
decide to give in to the black and let my crimson out.

momentary violence
a little struggle
crimson red flows down the drain

my body turn white
calmness washes over my agony
and I smile my last smile

Friendly fire

and to be able to say
I was there
and I saw
and I felt
and I, made a difference
after the fact

is far more important than the momentary pleasure of my selfishness at your expense

yet it is the moment I live in

and somehow I forget the future was coming

and the guilt of the past
And the fear of the future
became so overwhelming

There was nothing else to do but shoot myself after the rampage was over.