What is it?

And to split into pieces
work as a team to divide
manageable now
what was insurmountable now dinner
-
-
-
--- eating an elephant ---



Slight fold
then tear strait
large is now small
-
-
-
--- rip paper ---



upper and lower
sometimes bulging from top encroaches onto bottom
discomfort from the obvious split
-
-
-
--- a belt too tight ---



breath shallow
mind racing
chest tight
unknown future
much fear
-
-
-
--- consequence ---




Anticipate joy
fear of discovery
on edge of safety
mind racing
some fear
some excitement
story to tell
-
-
-
--- a teenage late night ---



glancing look turns to partial stare
partial stare becomes locked gaze
turned body to hide the obvious
try's not to be obvious
but can't break away from the stare
saddened when family sits far away out of site
---  _________________  ---

food court table at the old mall

gross and sticky late in the day

a film so grimy
a table so  small,
small and at a mall
a mall that is two generations past its prime

hundreds of drips of spit and drool.
mixed with the remnants of spilled soda
blood dripping from fresh teenage wounds inflicted by dare, control, or just plain picking off a scab

and the occasional puss from open wounds completes the experience of a food court table at the old mall

Wandering

and the heat of the day hangs in the air long after the sun sets

the wanderer seeking meaning finds none
he was told of a place that may help, but the place was devoid of emotion

a meaningless life is a life with no meaning

Meaning is purpose

so his life is without purpose
no purpose, like a gall bladder or tonsils should just be cut out.

a life cut out is like paper
like people cut out of paper

paper people

nothing to stand for
no ability to,.. even if the desire is there

the old ways no longer effective  add to the flimsy paper life created

even the person on top of a house of cards is better for he has support
support to stand on

until the stiff breeze comes.

I, am only thin paper not even able to stand.

bio

The magnificent stare that pinned me to wanting more
the words that felt so real and Heart-felt
the delicate touch down my back that means trust
the caress,
that delicate gentle touching,  tracing,... exploring up and down my torso, so delicately with your hand, felt electrifying.

Would that I could see you again..

but then you knew it  was not meant to be, 

to get the passion again I would do it all again
losing my friends
lying to my family
struggling through the hard times and all the chaos

just to get back to
loving times
passionate times,

but you knew that our relationship would end, 

you knew that soon I would think that,..

that,..

that,..

The sight of you is,
is ,..
is betrayal

Your exterior is as pristine as a Llandro figurine
perfect
smooth
beautiful to look at
Carefully glazed
Glazed to smooth flawless perfection

but appearance is all that you are

inside you are ugly
Ugly like the sight of  dead person
dead partially burned to death,
dead with some skin still hanging
dead with raw meat exposed like dog ran over by a car and ripped into two pieces.

inside you are stench
the smell of a taxi where the cabbie working all night in the heat with no air conditioner
the putrid stench of sweat mixed with tobacco, alcohol and bodily fluids, left by a multitude of lovers.


Would that I could see you again,
to have that loving touch
your perfect body.

would that I could see you again

see you again, to try to make you see the pain you cause
see you again, to feel my knees go weak
see you again
see you again

I know you will never change
would that I could see you again

I know you have destroyed so many before me
would that I could see you again

I know how to stop you
If  I could see you again

see you again
so I could pin you down

pin you down and tattoo warnings across that perfectly unblemished skin,

words like "toxic" on your hands so delicate.

words of "heartless" across your chest so perfect.

words of "emotionless" across your stomach so flat and smooth

words of "selfish prick" across your waistline where your perfectly fitting jeans fills me with lust.

and the last tattoo would be would be on  the most that most private, of privates, the part that betrayed me the most

it

it would be tattooed pitch black swirls on a background of yellow

with the words

word of

words of "Bio Hazzard" across your _______

toDad fromEthan

Dad

Thank you for coming back to me

It was never about the money or the house or the car, It was always you, and the way you make me smile and laugh and feel.

And its about how you think your phone is so much better than mine, funny how with my phone I don’t need a restore partition.

Its not about the presents I’m going to get, it’s the way you shared with me how far down your pants used to sag.

You were there for me, for my first heartbreak, you may think I wasn’t really listening, but after talking to you I felt better.

You many times act more like a kid than I do, sometimes you act like a parent, and you are always like my best friend.

Well I just wanted to say thank you for being here in my life.

Note to Ethan's dad from Ethan commissioned by ‘perception’ for Christmas 2012

Tobasco Black and White

As if I was here just to do this

hopelessness so deep
darkness so pure
I,
A shadow that sees no light.

Light, my enemy that illuminates the despair in every corner of my life

Life, my nemesis that causes the agony, pain and the darkness

Darkness, my mentor that intensifies and hides the emotions,

emotions-they say are the spice and flavor to life
flavor and spice to enjoy
the sweet and spicy-hot

yet I feel only the burning pain

like an ounce of Tobasco in each eye
Agony, 
torture, 
no escape from the suffering

eyes watering
gallons of tears fall trying to ease my misery, 
but there is not enough water in the Colorado River
to flush out my pain
wash away my loneliness
or erode the tiniest bit off my Thick Layer of Despair.

From sheer and  utter exhaustion finally my tears stop,  
and i awake to the television

... And the TV shows lions killing a zebra,
Momentary violence
a little struggle
then as life bleeds out of the black and white animal,..
.. Calmness washes over the agony,
and I see the Zebra smile.


his smile flashes to me an awareness I have never felt before and at that moment it becomes crystal clear that

life is not Gray and colorless
Life is not many different flavors of sweet and spice

Life is simple
simple like salt and pepper.

Black and white with a little bit of red,

and like the wild dogs of africa know their place at the feast of the dead zebra. I too know my place and now completely understand.

Agony is black
pain is black
my life is black

There is no white and my colorful crimson is trapped deep inside.

I embrace the black

and I,
I decide
decide to give in to the black and let my crimson out.

momentary violence
a little struggle
crimson red flows down the drain

my body turn white
calmness washes over my agony
and I smile my last smile

Friendly fire

and to be able to say
I was there
and I saw
and I felt
and I, made a difference
after the fact

is far more important than the momentary pleasure of my selfishness at your expense

yet it is the moment I live in

and somehow I forget the future was coming

and the guilt of the past
And the fear of the future
became so overwhelming

There was nothing else to do but shoot myself after the rampage was over.

new year first post

and life is
and stress becomes important
and family
and work

and my words have left,...
and my emotions with no where to go look
look for my monster

my monster, my savior during these times.
but then there is
life
and stress
and family

so even my monster can not thrive.

the words trapped
the body shuts down

and I try
and I work
and I family
and I stress

but I don't write!

so my monster wants to live and wants to save me,

but there is no time
no hope

only cycle
work, family, stress
family, stress, work
stress, work, family


so debilitating there is no room for
no room for words
no room for monsters
no room for sharing feelings.

no feelings is where my monster thrives
and yet it has only air to breath, but no food to eat.

and the family needs food
and the work needs my intellect
and the stress needs nothing.

nothing is what I have written in too long.

I long for my words or my monsters to save me.

I hope my words come back,

I miss them terribly so,

This must be what a mom felt in the 1800's when her 15 yr old boy went west to make his fortune.
She saw innocence and love and hope and joy, ride out with the sunset, never knowing really if she would ever see him again.

muse

and my muse is in such chaos
so much that I can't connect with his energy

his piercing eyes that the world revolves around are grey and lifeless

his laughter so contagious is now contained deep in a dark grey lifeless place where no music can survive.

my muse knows he is the lost one,
the drifter,
the one carnation in a bouquet of roses.
the race horse trying to pull a plow

he is beautiful and strong in his own right

but like a locomotive with no tracks, he can go nowhere.

my muse and i have been linked for many lives
I was hoping this one would be the one where we could get it right.

But this life is far from over. There may still be some hope.

and things were going OK for a while
but then this or that disrupted the life line.
the tether that held us together
that breathing tube that connected to the space ship broke and life started to escape.

all we could do is try to cling to the outside of the  ship until one could save the other.

And I was almost too late and we both almost died,
but we are now so close to helping each other to breath we just need to hang on
hang on for re-entry
hang on for dear life
hang on to each other

the turbulence in will be rough, but we have been through worse

Individually and together
times hard
hard enough to cause the outsiders to say that neither would survive.

my muse we have so much more to go
and everyone in your life needs you
needs your piercing eyes
needs your contagious laughter
needs you to be the proud carnation amongst the common bouquet of roses.

One day in October

And they worked 8 hours in a day
and had families
and had friend
and went to parties on the weekend
and the single men courted the single women
and the parents protected their young
and the teenagers tried desperately hard not to get into trouble
and there were funerals with loss and sadness
and there were births with joy and pride.

But times were hard
and things expensive
and the economy no so strong

and business must seek to streamline
and business must be efficient and reduce waste
and create processes, easy to follow, easy to maintain.

And October 1941 a plan worked on for months was ready to be approved
The old methods were so labor intensive
old methods that create such waste
old methods that take so many just to complete one project

but the new plant soon to be approved would
reduce staff requirements by one third
efficiently re-use energy to reduce cost of buying external fuel
Cost savings by almost 40% could be achieved once full production was achieved
Centrally located on the major intersection of many rail lines to move goods in and out
without the need of the current multitude of truckers and workers.

But approval of the new plant was just the first step, and work still needs to be done.
so the old methods were used
and on October 29, 1941 the team assembled to take care of the project at hand.

and on this date, which is only 6 days after the blueprints for Auswitz was approved by Adolf Hitler

2007 Men
2920 Women
4273 Children
Were shot to death in Kavnas Lithuania.