to help me

And the futility of trying becomes clear

Crystal clear

So obvious to me 

I do not understand how those people that say "i love you" to me,

Cant see what they are doing to me

And the words so tried-and-true, others say to me

Are no help,  because they too are helpless.

Helpless

To help me.

Forgot how or just tired

 And so, she says

"You need to come home, the hot water wont turn off"

And i ask "Does the knob just keep on spinning or does it stop"

Her reply "No it just keeps on spinning"

Then a few minutes later..... "Nvm danny turned it off.. it was the cold water"

Funny how this funny exchange, is not funny, when the woman has dimentia.

For her it is fear, and loneliness, deep sorrow, mixed with bits of anger for the unfairness of life.

For me, it is stuffed emotions, breath held, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Disturbance

 Tye,

What the hell is happening?  There is a huge disturbance in the force.

Ki

Chi

Prana

Holy spirit

Energy.

Something is wrong and i dont know what it is.

And i dont know what to do about it.

The music cant drown out this down, depression that today is a heavy cloud that is tons heavier than it has been in weeks.

It like im about to drown

In this town

I call the village of the perpetual frown.

I dont like being here

But from here

Is from where i am stuck.

Sick and tired of the universe, struck

By the reality that radio verse, sucks

I have nowhere to run to

And nothing to run from

And i wonder if all this self reflection

Is just the universe sending me a reflection of you.

Like a fun house mirror can make you look bigger, maybe what i feel is just the sadness of missing you amplified strong enough to destroy the world

Or at least enough to send me down the hole of depression, enough to destroy myself.

Hey kg 3 of 3

 "Hey  KG,

 it's taken me a minute 

to provide the right spirit 

to answer your prayers 

for the boy with the devil's bad luck and despair 

I put the one and only Steve in his life before the sick fuck could stick in 

his 6 inch...  knife 

The boy is still apart from his mom 

but he is in his own  apartment 

because he has commitment 

to keep his sister 100 percent.

 Steve gave him strength, advice and consent 

 To reinvent himself

 and 

present himself to repent and ascent

 to do right 

And now

and now ..

he lives in the light."

Hey KG 2 of 3

 Hey KG,

Why you look so down

you know the one and only Steve is around

I'm here 24/7 to help people not drown

I've been through som shit

but climbed out of my pit

I though I had no luck

because my parents could give a fuck

about me

loner ,.. Freak

That Was me!

I was so dark and hurt

I proudly wore The Devil's T-Shirt

But honestly, 

I felt like..... dirt

A man helped me 

get cleaned up

he planted some seeds in me

to help me

be the me

I was meant to be

I am now a man who lives in the light

sees wrong from right

wrong from right

living in the right

available 24/7 to help people see the light.

hey KG 1 of 3

 Hey KG,

That was reeeal niiice of yoooou to buy that boy just turned 18 and his little sister some food.

Hoping it would turn his bad luck

but 

His father, .... years ago bailed

His Mother,...  now Jailed

His Life,... is so completely Derailed

CPS took,..   

            His little sister

Drugs Cook,..

        in little rocks

His look,..

        so skinny and pale is just an After shock

Seeing his mom and sister is totally unreasonable

Having a save place to sleep, he thinks, is unbelievable

its not just bad luck

and its not just bad luck

and I think to myself,

its time to switch it up, 

and introduce him to a sick fuck

that hurts boys down on their luck.

Shut up, I'm about to break!

 Shut up, I'm about to break!

Like on the top of an unstable ladder, i sit, shaking, from the fatigue of emotion.

So many thoughts and raw emotions dull my body and i am so numb from the from the words you say.

Its always you, and i have to sit and take it.

I see no way out. And you still fill the air with your words that add nothing to anyone except yourself..

Shut up, I'm about to break!

Mom's next weekend

Mom and Dad were together 12 years yesterday and, me, their oldest child will be 11 in three months

But that does not seem to matter to mom.

There are songs and shows on TV  of women acting crazy. 

But 

but

but grandma never thought it would happen to mom.

And mom moving out, so suddenly, started out okay but is quickly turning just short of violent.

And the 11 yr old, just wants to catch pok-e-mon,  but the apartments where mom lives is too dangerous mom says.

The 11 yr old does not understand why mom cant come to dads house, 

That is where they have lived for the last 11 years.

Dad didn't change, 

mom left dad.

Mom has a mean man in her life.

He is not nice to me or my little sister.  He doesn't touch us, or hit us, but the way he talks to me,

he yells at me for the littlest things, like leaving a sock on the floor

he never smiles at me

I feel like he hates me

He does not care about us, 

and he 

he is

he is taking our mom away from us.  

I dont like the way he is mean to mom, I'm 11 I cant tell him to stop pushing mom, he'd throw me against a wall.

Once she had to call the police on him cause of the arguing they were doing.

Mom told me not to tell dad.

I hate going to mom's, and I feel so helpless, alone and guilty for not wanting to go.

Mom is so much different, and I just doesn't understand . 

Strangers called mediators ask a lot of questions at all the meetings.

After the meetings mom and dad say very different things, its like they were not even in the same room I was in.

I just want to be 11 years old

and have parents that live together

Parents that get along

Parents,...

not parents, but a mom,...

a  mom that does not ask me to lie to dad

a mom that loves me

I want the mom I used to have.

everyone else in my school has this fucked up life, 

of parents living in different houses,

of parents asking kids to keep a lie,

I did not think it would happen to me.

 

And

I wonder if I did something to cause this

And
I wonder how I can fix this.

And

I wonder how I can get my mom back

I don't have the words to tell you how i feel, but it is not good...

I am quiet, so no one can tell how sad i really am.

I heard of this thing called suicide
And i wonder how people do it, 

sometimes on the news they say kids do it

I just wonder how to do it, 

Cause I

Cause I

Because I really, really, really 

do NOT  want to go to my moms next weekend...

teen needs therapy

"tell me about your father"
"tell me about your mother"
"tell me about your brothers or sisters"

The therapist had all the questions,
the same ones as the shrinks before her.
prying
trying
lying

Anything to get the truth  - they call it "getting real"

"You seem so unhappy for such a young teen" The therapist says.
As if that would mean something to me
I know I'm unhappy!   No one needs to pretend to be my friend and tell me that.  Lady that is a lousy opening line, maybe you could ask if I find you attractive, or when was the last time I masturbated, that might shock me into being a little bit involved in what you are trying to do.


"If you could change one thing in your life what would it be" she queried.
This is a new question for me, so i answer this one real quick "I don't know"
Three magic words which when said early enough will keep me from saying too much and staying out of trouble with all adults, except of course the one that taught me to say it.  


"Do you like anyone at school?"
I respond "I don't know"
She exhales in frustration.
I think to myself see how effective that phrase is :-)
But, do I like anyone at school? lets see, who do I know at school.  Tommy-I think that's his name-blue jean jacket a little overweight dark hair, spit a huge flem-ball on my back. Gene-he'd kill you just for looking at him. The smart kids who,... who likes them!  Then there is that blond kid, blue eyes, in gym class he cracked his nuts on the pummel horse, how I wanted to,...



"Do you have any pets?"
I respond "yes, a dog" and think to myself oh, did I give too much information, no, no that one is OK, everyone has a pet. I've seen kids playing in the street, out there, sometimes playing having fun, some with their dogs. One kid in particular my age, perfect smile, smooth tan skin and.....


"What's your pets name?"
I respond "why do you ask?"
I think to myself I am tired of the questions, maybe I can get her to do some of the talking.


"Why do you hesitate to tell me your dog's name?"
I respond, you guessed it "I Don't Know"
Her name is Greta she is a German Sheppard, my only true confidant and friend. Sleeps at the foot of my bed, tries to protect me from the now occasional 'night time visits'. The only thing in my live that I truly  Lov,...


"In class your teachers say you daydream a lot, look out the window, generally don't pay attention" then after a long pause therapist continues "what are you thinking about all day"
I pause and think to myself, I think of how to escape the boredom, what trouble can I get into so I don't have to go home, how can I get close to that blond so I can see part of their naked body.  When I get home what do I have to do to stay out of trouble.  Why didn't I throw a chair at Tommy when he spit on my.  Why am I afraid to make eye contact.  I hope there are aliens, because I so want them to do sex experiments on me and let me pick some of their victims and ,....



"So, are you just going to sit there for the WHOLE session!" the therapist snaps "did you hear the question I asked!?"


I respond "what was the question again? I got lost in thought."
I had truly forgotten her question, I was day dreaming and lost touch with reality. Funny me being in a shrinks office, them trying to help me "be real" and I lose touch with "reality" when asked what do I daydream about all day, then I forget the questio,...



"You are incorrigible, if you don't care enough to help yourself then there is no hope for you,.....this session is over" she states in a most condescending tone.
and with that
I felt
hopeless,
lost, and very alone,
and I don't even know what incorrigible means but the way she said it must mean that I am a horrible person.
Why do I even try!!
I am so different than everyone else and I just don't fit
I'm a fucking loser
Home, school,
even the shrinks don't like me, and They get paid to like me.


I wish I were dead--no not dead just in another country where I--no not another country, but friends with some aliens which let me help them understand sex in humans by letting me pick up that blond in school, and the one on my street with the smooth tan skin and perfect smile, and let me strip them down and,...



"Do you have nothing to say?" she asks and then excuses herself after a long exhale and a short grunt.


On the way home my parents say that the therapist was frustrated that I just sat there with a blank stare, and only gave short answers.  They were still talking but that soon faded as some aliens came down and...

She started listening to my music

She was rock-n-roll

and I was rap

other than that

we were one complete soul

a girl that always has my back

who could ask for more than that

she and i are like a morning glory vine

entwined, interlaced, interwoven

totally into each other

holding on to each other so tight, we only see the day light.

I was rap

and she was rock-n-roll

I changed and learned to like rock-n-roll

but she never even tried to like my rap

but I felt she still had my back

The one day  I didn't see coming

I heard her humming one of my raps

I was so happy, but what is the meaning

does it mean that our love was more than a stop-gap

Soon after the one day, I off work and came home early

i walked in quietly

and heard my rap playing loudly

walk down the hall happily

the door open a small crack

I take a look-see and peek

and see some prick riding my woman who is flat on her back listening to my rap

that bitch stopped loving me the day she started liking my rap