the breakup

Our journey started at the bottom of the desert mountain in the fall.

life giving rains watered the slopes we tread,

easy at first, then steep and steeper still

a loose rock here and there,

a rattlesnake across our path,

caused us to go on paths not marked

and my first taste of the agave.

we were on the move up, so no time to relish in the agave's beauty,

we continued to the unknown

then a landslide, we barely made it alive

we looked down and saw only rubble, where our journey started.

in the winter we were close to the top, basking in the warm winter days, holding each other close on the almost freezing desert nights.

times were hard during that dry spell, but we survived together.

we survived till the next rain.

the rain caused the agave to grow, and I uncontrolled drank deep and often.
it was not till my near death on a freezing night, that your loving words came through and touched my soul again.

when spring came we had been at the top for a while,

comfortable, settled,

it was just you and me again,

predictable

empty words

routine

stifled

suffocating

in a rut so deep we feared the next rain would drown us,

so we headed down,

steep at first, then it smoothed out

and we found ourselves on a gentle slope in the middle of a field of flowers,

beauty,

gentle smell of mesquite,

the desert alive, and with it us

and I saw the agave but left it alone.

when summer came, we were more than half way down

thirsty for life,

looking for relief from the sun

the life that was once flowers and struggles to overcome together

was is now a brown dusty hell

burning our hearts

burning our souls

a burning so strong that

we see no beauty

we see no life

we see no us

death, if we stay

so you with your mesquite go left

and I follow the agave and go right.

thanks roscoe

sitting silent easy

inter-action hard.

loneliness in a group,..

that is me

you reach out in your way, but I not knowing what to say,

say nothing.

so I, distant, awkward, inept

feeling alone

don't reach out to your extended hand.

but I come back

again and again and again

learning

slowly learning

how to say hi

I awkward know not what to do

i am different

i run away to my shell, to deep inside my mind, at the slightest discomfort

loneliness is safe

loneliness is me

loneliness in a room full of people

that want to know me,

seem to accept me,

talk to me

extend their hand to me

extend their hearts to me

acknowledge me

support me

and help me

and I the great outsider keep my barriers up,

but I come back

again and again and again

learning

slowly learning

how to share parts of me.

you applaud in honesty

you applaud encouragement

you value me enough to know my name

when I fell you were there to pick me up

I am different and you are OK with my difference

and I come back

again and again and again.

learning,

growing

truly grateful for

talking to me

applauding me in honesty and encouragement

knowing my name

extending your arm in friend ship

and sharing your heart

step forward

one step forward is huge

The pre-toddler works out for months before he or she takes their first step

laying on their stomach arching their back like their flying

bouncing while holding your hands,

holding on to furniture to just stand there

it takes work and dedication and time.

one step forward is huge

for an adult it means that the three things that knocked you down are neutralized

and after getting through the shit you took another step

so you really took four steps to get to one step forward.

it takes work and dedication and time.

I see that the lost one takes a step forward

a small step but a forward step,

outsiders see chaos and misdirection

but when asked the lost one says

"but I think, I took a step forward"

Others will say:

but what if it doesnt work

but what if this

and what if that

the lost one feels confused, diswayed

but using me to hold his ground he says

"I took a step forward"

"a small step but a forward step "

Others say

there are needs you are not taking care of

I need you to do this

you need to to that

and the lost one stumbles a bit

feeling insecure and unsure

then I tell the lost one that

"I took a step forward"

"a small step, but a step forward"

"and I KNOW what my next step will be"

The lost one leaning against me tells the needy others

"I know you need, but I took a step forward

"a small step, but a step forward"

"and I think I know what my next step should be"

The others say

don't forget what you used to say

don't forget our need

don't forget about this

don't forget about that

and the lost one feels overwhelmed and broken.,,,,

and I tell the lost one that I have not yet been able to take my second step YET,

but i know it is the right step, and i am close to being able to take it.

and the lost one resists the needy,

and in doing so resists the forced mediocrity of following the others

and he says proudly with chest out and head held high

"I took a step forward"

"a small step but a forward step "

"and it was ME that took that step"

"and I KNOW what my next step will be"

6:30pm

I sitting in a room full of hard core spiritualists

you know

contact people from the other side

Near death experiences

seances

tea leafs

crystal balls

tarot cards

oui ja boards

I ended up here because I thought a woman that I thought was pretty asked me what time is it.

small talk pursued

and smiles

and her curling her hair with her finger

and her touching my arm when she laughed

and trading phone numbers

the first date was at my favorite restaurant

the date ended with chivalry and chastity

and a promise for another date

next Saturday she said

I said yes.

next day I shot her a text

suggested a movie or a play

she responded back "I'll pick the place"

just be at my apartment at 6:30pm

during the week I tried to get her to tell me what she had planned

and her reply was always the same

"you will enjoy yourself" be at my apartment at 6:30pm

I tried the ploy of "what should I wear?" formal, casual, BBQ?

she said anything comfortable

"you will enjoy yourself" be at my apartment at 6:30pm

so Saturday night finally gets here

I as instructed am ringing her door bell at 6:30pm

she invites me into her apartment

Only a few small lights are on

there are a few candles lit here and there

mellow music was playing

There was wine breathing in two glasses

and a fragrant incense burning

she is looking very beautiful in the romantic light of a flickering candle as we sip wine and eat some cheese and crackers she had set out before my arrival.

then a knock at the door, she says "come in" and a herd of people come rolling in through the door, loud chatter,

"ohhhh hi"

"so your her new man"

"your apartment looks great, I love the painting technique on the walls"

and so i find myself in a room full of people that want to talk to the dead.

I don't dis-believe, but I don't really want to spend my Saturday night with these people.

I was looking for relationship, camaraderie, life partner, love.

My mind was racing on how to get out of this, I did like the woman, so I wanted to see if we had something, so I did not want to be leave now and ruin my chances.

my thoughts were broken by someone asking me to ask the OuiJa board something.

I think to myself, this is so not me, and what a waste of time.

but after much thought and some push back from the group I came on the question:

"what should I do with my life?"

and in the background was some freak humming

and tea leaves being read

and the woman that I thought was beautiful was in this trance like state with her hand on the Planchette

I reluctantly do the same as do two others

then some says "the question has been asked, oh spirits in this room please guide this lost soul"

The planchette starts to move around randomly then stops on a letter, then randomly moves and stops on another letter, a fifth person is watching and recording the letters as it stops.

I am expecting some mumbo jumble of letters, that I am then to make into words, but I pay no attention to the letters i just am along for the ride waiting for this horrible night to be over.

Then the planchette moves off the board, and the person that started this spoke and said "wheh that was good, I really felt a strong spirit" and looks up to the fifth person and asks him to hand to me my answer.

I look at the piece of paper and saw what look like a jumble of letters, but then it became very clear to me the message.

the message was" Go find someone who likes what you like"

and with that I left her apartment

no "s"

Our time together long, began at 18 and endured through graduating college and beyond.

mom and dad thought marriage

we did not need any paper to proclaim our undying affection and love.

from dorm to apartment,.. to our very own home, we knew we were made for each other.

change, confrontation, and turmoil, all handled like mom and dad - together.

I,.. confident in our love,

and with my faith well-founded in you

you told me to invite him to that one party,

you told me you liked him

you thought he could become the loving brother I never had.

I allowed him in,

I welcomed him,

I did need him,

another man to talk with

a friend to go to the bar with

he became my confidant,

and, ... he did,... become the loving brother I never had,....

N O W,...

melancholy full

feeling down,

like a bolder falling from a cliff creating an avalanche of pain

on the journey to the bottom.

my woe exhaled in every breath

I,... now alone in the middle of nowhere,... on a night with no moon, with only a fire to talk to.

the agony burned into me like the knife I pull from the blazing fire

and touch it to my tattooed arm where your name reminded me ,..of my love for you.

the charring will deform, and defile. but will be nothing compared to the torture you have inflicted upon my heart,

the growing boil upon my arm will be beautiful compared to the thought of you with him.

and the man that I loved like a brother, ....the man that took you away from our home,......

he became the knife that burned me.

private and public me

And why do I even bother,

damaged and beyond repair,

I had my chance but had the wrong people.

why do damaged people seek damaged people?

I have no focus

no desire

no reason to wake up

so I wander through the days doing what I am told is most urgent

no plan

no mission

no goals

just doing

outsiders think I get a lot done

think I lead my life

think i achieved my goals

think sometimes that i am wonderful

think i am a good man.

but my private self thinks the opposite

thinks I am lazy

thinks i am selfish

thinks I am uncaring

thinks I wander through life, certainly no lead it.

I waste so much time doing nothing there are no words or pictures to describe it.

My private self doesn't think I'm a sociopath

I care a little bit,

I don't set out to use people

but sometimes I do use people,

so maybe I am a sociopath

and then someone tells me,

"thanks for talking with me yesterday, I really needed that"

and another person said

"I took your advice, and I feel better than I have in years"

and another person said

"God has given you a gift, thank you for being part of my life"

so Maybe i am not a sociopath,

maybe I am just confused and lost,

and then I met a man that said

"we are not as bad as our private self, nor are we as good as our public self"

the private me sees a lazy looser

the public me portrays a confident helping soul

I wonder what the truth really is?

I feel nothing

I Feel nothing.

the hard normally uncomfortable chairs that makes my back and ass hurt with equal intensity, created to look inviting, inviting enough to have a coffee and look out over the book store, but designed to be just comfortable for 5 minutes after which you feet fall asleep.

But tonight, I feel none of that.

I feel nothing.

The young beautiful people with there perfectly smooth skin and beautiful teeth just inside those desirable lips, and wonderfully rounded body parts, sometimes they show just enough of their firm flat stomachs by taking a long stretch while arching their back, reaching their arms high in the sky which leads to fantasies of the unmentionable pleasure felt when there is skin on skin.

but tonight, no one evokes such feelings.

I feel nothing.

Reading about and seeing pictures of exotic cars and the frustration of the present with the overwhelming regret of past choices that force me into fantasy for escape (like winning the lottery) and the sorrow so overwhelming that I would normally take a big swig of the too hot, too bitter coffee just to focus on the physical pain instead of the mental anguish of the present, so I can forget just for a moment how life really sucks.

but tonight, I feel none of that.

I feel nothing.

flipping through the art magazines, seeing in incredible creativity, and sometimes the anger, and fear, and lust, but more times than not feeling confused, and a longing for talent, and a regret that is a hole in my core, for not having talent like that.

but tonight, I feel no envy.

I feel nothing.

A group of teenagers harass me as I go to my car, one boy steals another boys hat and offers it to me, another stands in front of me and put is on my head, and asks for 20 bucks. The disgust mix with fear and frustration, usually caused intelligible words to come out, it doesn't matter the kids call me names and give me a little shove, then take the hat back, seems I got the worst of the deal,

but tonight there is no rush of adrenalin, no self talk of "I should have"

I feel nothing.

Phoebe and Jack

cant stop

gotta look

got to have...

I cant stop its driving me crazy

the beauty

the perfection

the mystery

I need to be near

its driving me crazy

every time he walks by I have to look,

and inhale deeply in futile hope, to feel his scent. To inhale his very essence.

he is cautious of me, because he thinks I will hurt him.

last time I got him, I did not hurt him, I just brought him close to me

so I can feel him,

smell him,

gently put my mouth on him

and yes I did lick him and slobber on him

but I didn't hurt him,

he says i would have if those people didn't stop me.

"stay away"

"leave him alone"

"just don't worry yourself about him"

that's what the people say.

but he is so,

so,

so in-describable,

when I look at him my soul stirs in a way that words can't describe

he is so much of everything I like,

I've got to have him.

He has to like me,

if I can just get him alone again I can tell him

and if he won't listen

at least I'll be close.

and if he won't listen

I will pin him down and inhale his beauty

and if he won't listen still

I will be the last thing he sees while i crush the life out of him

slowly,

lovingly,

feeling like I have never felt before.

cut the crust off please

little miss white bread

with her turkey and tasteless white-cheese on white bread

pouts to the man across the table

"the crust is too hard" she whines "please cut it for me"

he comes to the rescue with knife and slices

slices off the crust

slowly precisely as if he has planned this moment,

fantasized about slowly with surgical precision

cut,

cut

cutting

first one side

then the other

then flip her over

and cut more

and finally cut the last time.

and the woman asks "whats the matter, you look so sad all of a sudden"

he replies "sad, no, just deep in thought,.. dear"

and as she begins to eat her now crust-less sandwich he savors the crust

the part of the sandwich that she will never know about and with it his fantasy continues.

addiction

the image is burned into my very core,

every where I look I see it

when people talk I think of it

when I'm alone i long for it,

I play with fantasy of it during the day

intelligence is no match for the emotion

the computer screen shows it to me,

and blurs the spreadsheet that I am working on.

then for a moment, brief though it is, I get relief

I can think again, I can see the bright blue skies

I feel the loving hug from my family

and I feel regret and guilt

and it starts to come into view,

I try not to look at it

and I feel frustration and fear

and waves of hopelessness pound me

and it starts to call my name

and I try not to hear it

and I try to remember the love of my family

and I try to remember the happy times without it

but again everywhere I look I see it

there are no words to explain it

its image is burned into my core.