She started listening to my music

She was rock-n-roll

and I was rap

other than that

we were one complete soul

a girl that always has my back

who could ask for more than that

she and i are like a morning glory vine

entwined, interlaced, interwoven

totally into each other

holding on to each other so tight, we only see the day light.

I was rap

and she was rock-n-roll

I changed and learned to like rock-n-roll

but she never even tried to like my rap

but I felt she still had my back

The one day  I didn't see coming

I heard her humming one of my raps

I was so happy, but what is the meaning

does it mean that our love was more than a stop-gap

Soon after the one day, I off work and came home early

i walked in quietly

and heard my rap playing loudly

walk down the hall happily

the door open a small crack

I take a look-see and peek

and see some prick riding my woman who is flat on her back listening to my rap

that bitch stopped loving me the day she started liking my rap

4/8

And life is hard whether you arr an any of a plant

Yet things work out says the lady in her 50's

4/7 the choice

And days have past with no commitmemt to  well considered concerning  comment i can make with my wirdd

Choice is the hard thing
What will i do
What should i eat
What should i where
Where should i go


The list is endless, but not so life
Life goes on but each of us will die
Death is avoided, at slmost all costs, especially if we have a choice.

Resessitare or not, iur intellect gous one way but our essence does not want to die.

Who should i meet
How can i hrlp, should i even try

Tryimg just causes more stress and the choices, keep on coming

4-2 a day late

procrastination - such a long word, how apropo.

The self inflicted stress caused by self-directed delay is overwhelming

my mind is whirl of chaos with the many things I need to do
so many needs
so many wants
 so many responsibilities
so many feelings
they come in as a crashing tsunami that is too large and too fast to imagine
all I can do is sit with my head in hands covering my eyes
but the darkness is no relief from the thoughts inside my head
I see people come in and out of the coffee shop, and wonder if their haste is for something really important or just their way of coping with or avoiding the tsunami in their head.

Wondering about them allows me to put off for later the current thoughts inside head.

4 -1 the fool

Today the first day of april
Day of fools
April fools day
I think back over some of my years and see with a stark reality like a spill of black paint on white carpet

How much of a fool i have been
And how much i still fool myself
Lie to myself
Fool myself
Hide from myself

The struggles seem to win over the accomplishments

But who am i to judge myself,
when it is so easy to fool myself.
I cant confide with myself.
Not when i lie to myself

And yet i know be true to thy self
Live in the moment to be one with thy self
But i guess i really dont like myself

Truth takes trust, and i dont trust myself.

Lie to myself
Fool myself
Hide from myself

Its all the same.

Happy april fools day.

9

And the teen boy in his last year of that title
Tries to be adult, well more adult

And the early mistakes will grow him into the adult he will be
And where he is now is where he will be from
And memories of this time will be looked back on

And the tears and fears of today will seem like nothing

And the 3 yr old screaming in the grocery store is felt as embarrassment to the parent but to the child it is the end of his life

So will the decisions made today on his last year of teenage boy

8

And she just does not understand

She has pressure, i vet jt a s i listen and i solve
And i fix compiters
And i clean the kitchen
And i move apploances
And i work to make extra mo ey

And i fight my own demons
And hide my i securities
And stuff my fristratioms

And try to plan for so.e sort of fucking future
But her wants are mother fucking endless and everythi g is a out her
And then the mood sets in so what the fuck
Fuck you and your emotions, petty selfish bitch

I am all alone and drowning and no o e can see that.

I a. All alone and have no o e i can call, to talk to,

I am all alone and afraid of fucking everything and everyone.

All alone and no one sees.

All alone and taken for granted

All alone.


All alone

All alone

With people in my life that rely on me.

All alone with people that look up to me

All alone with people that need from me,
My kneledge
My experience
My time
My spirit
My soul

Alone with so many people needing me seems crazy.

But i have no one to look up to
Have no one to recharge my spirit
No o e to help
 my soul grow

I know if i died tomorrow, peope would miss me, but how does that help me now?

Death is not, at least to my k owledge, not on the table just yet.



Alone and insecure how fucked up is that for someone so amazing but humble?


Alone
Alone
Alone

Alone in the desert at night, no one to talk to, when that is what i really  need right now

Instead the cool breeze and crickets and some unkown planet are all tjay keep me company

And of course the fear of every noise

Fear with the cool. Breeze, turn into a biting paralyzing bitterness

Afraid to move,
A statue
Alone
Alone
Alone

7

And the yellow flower of the evergreen, usher in a new season.

A season of hope
A season of wonder
A season of life

And with all the possibilities before me
I see the flowers have no bees
The birds have no food
The snakes thin and weak

How do i describe the darkness in my head on such a beautiful day

The birds singing remind me that i have no mate.

The dogs playing remind me i have no friends.

The flowers without bees to pollinate, is just the foreshadowing that life will eventually end.

And yet i stay alive, i. The dark despair, on this beautiful day, so bright and alive. It illuminates my darkest dungeon.

The deep dank dark despair that i almost never let out, this day just may crack open that  cellar door. How afraid i am of that  place, no one will ever know.


They cant ever know.

I cant speak the horrors, so they stay locked away, but sometimes a day like this comes, and the dark cloud over my head is lifted, to shine the bright light on my locked away darkness.

And it is a day like this where the yellow flowers are in bloom on the ever green trees and the birds sing, and there is not a cloud in the sky and the dogs play, and the possibilities of spring is everywhere

It is a day like this that my deepest darkest dungeon of despair gets to see the light of day,

And that light in such a dark place causes a pain that rivals the bitter cold of winter.

Biting, burning, bone-chilling, no escape.

6

I need a boy
Not sure what i would do with him
I just feel i need one
One to lool at
One to touch
One the help with the last stages into adulthood

Funny, how juvenile i am wanting abou to help hom grow up.

He would help me in ways that cant be said
Older younger relationship, with the hope of going just to the edge. But never goong over

Going over, that is the job of the hero, to save before it is too late.

But what is too late, if both can relate
Perhaps it is kismet or fate
Fate, to wait, and to take, but not to foresake

For that is beyond the edge and even the hero may not be able to save.

I need a boy, to help me around the house, to be comfortable around the house to wear no shirt,
 To show that smooth , tight skin, and let me look into his eyes for conversation

To help hom with the last few stages into adulthood.

And in return he needs do nothing except help me once on a while and grow into the adult he will be.

He will leave me, as they always do, and my lonlibess so great will make me seek another, seek to be the hero, and prevent someone from falling

off the edge
Off the edge
Off the edge

Maybe one time before i die i will have a relationship, where i jump off the edge and freefall to ecstasy.

But for now i am alone
Not helping anyone
No friends
If only i truly had no feelings, then this loneliness would not feel so
So
So alone.

5

And she says i gotta think,
How sad that she picks now to rhink, that should have happened  many many months ago,  but it is now too late to undo what has beem done.

They were together 12 years yesterday and their oldest child will be 11 in three months

But that does not seem to matter to her.

There are songs of women acting crazy, and shows on TV. But no o e ever thought it would happen to them.

As divorce happens ever so slowly so was this.  And the separation which started out so civil is quickly turning just short of violent.

And the 11 yr old, just wants to carch pok e mon,  but the apartmenrs where mom lives is too dangerois she says.

The 11 yr old does not inderstand why mom cant visit at dads house, thw hois they have lived in sonce the 11 yr old was 2.

Dad didnt change, dad doesnt have some mean man in his life, mom is so much different, the 11 yr old just doesnt understand . 

Strangers called mediators asking questions all the important meeting the mom and dad say very different things, its like they were not even in the same meeting

I just want to be 11 years old and have parents ever one else in my school has this fucked up life, i did not think it would happen to me.
  And
And
And

I wonder if i did something to cause this

And and
And
And
I wonder how i can fix this.

I dont have the words to tell you how i feel, but it ia not good...

I am quiet any way so no one can tell how sad i really am.

I heard of this thing called suicide
And i wonder how people do it, sometimes on the news they say kids do it

I just wonder how to do it, cause i really dont want to go to my moms next weekend...