Friday, April 29, 2022

10 ( play the same track)

so full of thought
so full of conversation that
that will never happen

and even now, 
now that I am calm
in front of paper and pen and ready to write.

the next conversation plays in my head

the one that I know wont go the way my thoughts are playing it

and yet the tape keeps on looping, 

like an 8-track that has no end

my mind plays the same tape
no edits
no talk overs
no impromptus

oh the torment.

for I know the conversation will not go the way my tape is playing  it

my track laid down 

time soon, to go to press

replayed it in my mind so many times 
I
sometimes
Actually believe
this time
this time
my mind laid the track down so well that

the conversation will go down as fantasized

and this time the live performance will be
sublime
flawless
and well timed


but
I know
when I go live
I will make edits, .. on the spot

and be totally unprepared, 

a conversation takes two
and even with my crazy split mind
i am still just one person 
and have just replayed
the same conversation in my mind so many times

and in the studio of my mind
i play the same track
again,
and again
and again 
and again

going live my fantasy crashes into the other persons reality

and I get lost
and my view is not heard
and i am not validated
and I walk away sometimes confused
weak
dejected
and always walk away asking myself "how can I do better next time"

but next time it is again
a one sided conversation

and in the studio of my mind, 
i will play the same track
again,
and again
and again 
and again



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