alone

and one is alone in the crowd of his peers

conflict - full.

home life stress
social peer shit
So young to be bombarded with hard expectations 

he seeks escape

tears held under the surface

   no one sees his pain

    no one sees his pain

        no one sees his pain

he is alone.

alone
alone in a crowd of his peers
family strife hidden deep

the tears dare not come

not now! 

not when he is at the mall with his friends

but one or two still fall.
The group ill-equiped to see the reason for the tear does nothing.

Young teens being young teens

Over exaggerating 

A little too loud

All help the one that feels alone

help him:

Feel like he is normal

Feel like he has friends

Feel like he is not alone

Mall closing soon, time to go

Crowd of his peers wait for their respective parent to scoop them home..

Hugs, 

"tonight was fun"

"Did you see that freak she...'

"I know but couldn't say anything"

More hugs 

And the parents getting impatient tell their kid "just get in the car"

His crowd now gone he is left with only one other, his parents are not returning his calls/text and their location is over an hour away so he really has no way home.

but, One girls parents, give him a ride home,

he let slip one hint of his solution to his trauma,  but the parents did not hear it,

doesn't really matter,... they can't change his mind and  real conversation is not spoken between adult and child.

He lets three or four tears fall, but the back seat, where they both are, is dark and she is dead tired from the night of fun

she sees none of his fears, nor does she see the tears.

He just needs one word, one question about the tears, but no one looks, no one sees

Alone,

He gets out of the car, and walks up to the dark house, turns back to see the girl one last time

but she in the back seat, does not look back to wave goodbye 

Alone, 

He opens the door to his empty house.

Tears deep inside begin to freely flow with each step to down the hall way.

Alone

no drugs left in his parents stash, and they found his and used it all up

no friends to help

this feeling must not live longer than this night.

Plan set
the tears finally stop
calm replaces the pain

Gentle music plays as he gets into the bath tub.

And he thinks this is not too bad.

He expected more pain from slicing his veins open..

The cold feeling as blood empty's from his body makes him feel 

alone.

best friends

and the boy that has been shot at

is afraid of a chicken

and my best friend from my last life has come back for me

we were apart for so long i almost forgot how important he was

and we, different people now have forgoten the past and started new

i did not know how quickly we would rebuild that which we all but had forgotten

and now i know and remember

and don't want to lose what we are building

like a 10' tower to sit on and observe the wonders of the world, we together will once again become 

best friends

someone I knew died

someone I knew died,

 he had a name, and a nickname, and a mom and siblings and cousins and friends,
he was looked up to by the little kids,
and loved by the older kids.
had good adults in his life


and this thanksgiving
this       Thanks  -   Giving


and this thanksgiving will be the first,

The first with a ten ton weight in the air.

 
the first where we need answer the questions
Do we talk of him?
Do we say we are sorry?
Say That we miss him?
Say That he would have liked.....

or do we say nothing, act as if his ten years of life had not filled our hearts.

and when those jokes, that inevitably but  innocently drift out..  ..

 I'll just "die"....  if the Cowboys makes that touchdown, 

or 

that inconsequential phrase when you fear your cooking is not perfect, I could just "kill my self" for the mess I've made

and then there is the prayer of the turkey sacrificing its life for our enjoyment, 

most people don't say "thanks for dying,... so we can eat you" but this holiday that is what the inner core of family will hear.

the inner-core those that did his laundry
the siblings that ran after him to "beat him up"
those that,
that
that.. 

 well you know how annoying 10 yr old boys can be, still on the edge of innocence
and annoying enough that everyone in the house said to him at least once "i'm gonna kill you.... " 

and it was the oldest sister that said it last "i'm gonna kill you",

 but to her defense the last thing he heard before running out of her room was her yelling  "Mom!, can you get this little shit!! of a brother to STAY OUT! of my room!!",

he was the little brother every loved and hated, 

Loved his absolute joy to life, and his non-stop jokes, 

and hated the way he could be soooooo  annoying.   and  only after you have him pinned to the ground, did he apologize, every knew he just said it to get up, but at the end of the day.

at the end of they day
there were honest hugs, and real compassion in that little soul, and if you were upset, he was always a listening ear, that would not tell mom. 

a little wise beyond his years, as the phrase goes, and a lover of life,
loved excitement
trying new things
fearless
and with older brothers and sisters to catch him if he fell,
to be there to make sure he had a fair schoolyard fight.

and a mom, that did a pretty good job so far with her clan, to her, he was the baby.

He was the baby

and at 10, it was still Okay,

 ... Sometimes,.. 

 sometimes, still play for mom to give him a hug in public, and even a kiss...

he of course would wipe the kiss off in big over exaggerated melo-dramatic fashion.

but sometimes in front of his friends, he would yell, I love you mom, as he walked away from her.

his friends would give him a hard time, but he was okay with their harassment, cause that is his mom.

and the harassment only lasted a few seconds, they had adventures to find.

and 

And then

And then

then out of nowhere the 10 tons of sorrow, crush the family.
breathless
sick to stomach
disbelief
tears flow,  

and will cry so much there is no emotion left,

Exhausted from emotion.

They wake up and are crushed by the reality that

nothing they do can bring him back.

reliving the last days and seeing mistakes does no good

talking to his friends does no good

working out really, really hard does no good

talking hurts
thinking hurts
Can't sleep, 

Can't eat

body aches with loss 

and saddness, 

and sorrow
and
and
and wishing there was a ten ton weight to jump under as it is falling, is just fantasy that does not help the pain

Loss

Emptyness

It just hurts that you are alive, and he is not in your life.

Feb 2018

past life friend

And my best friend

From some past life

Has cone back to me

We were apart for so long

I almost forgot

How important he was

We different people now

Have forgotten the past

And started anew

I did not know how quickly we would rebuild that which we had all but forgotten 

And now

I know

And remember

And dont want to lose

What we are building

Like a 10' tower to sit on and observe the wonders of the world 

We, together, will

Once again 

Become

Best friends

Hell teenage grounded

Hell.

I don't like being here

stuck here
it sucks here

I put myself here

and yet
my life is fucked

here

Sick and tired of the universe, 
listening to the next clean verse
i am soon gonna burst

I have nowhere to run to
And people think I have nothing to run from
but the flashbacks take me back to,..    

where I came from

I feel so dumb, 
unable to speak, a mute,  
A voiceless boy who feels like scum

lost in my present
with a past so rough
I don't really see how my future can be enough
but my future is coming sure enough

patience is a virtue, 

but it doesn't help me through
the hell I am NOW going through
right now
how
wow
pow
here comes yet another put down

Stuck in the middle of hell is where I have landed

a deep hole of despair, pain and depression

ungrateful, loser is what I have been branded

I can do nothing,..  not even ask a question

oh the pain of this life so troubled

I gotta get my shit strait on the double.

11 ( new schedule)

 I am scared.

The young addict confides to me.

The new schedule started about 10 weeks ago,

and now, the young addict has

eight weeks of new behavior under his belt.

well, it used to be new

therapy

group sessions

drug test

parent involvement

now it is normal, but it will soon end

The momentum of what is now normal will keep the young addict 

safe

safe for a week, maybe two

while the new schedule unfolds

but "new" takes time to become "normal"

and there is so much friction

a new behavior in motion will come to a stop much quicker than we want

and the young addict is scared of the "old schedule" 

scared of the the "old behavior"

so ingrained into his young body

so entrenched into his young brain

so deeply rooted in his emotions.

his tools for survival are  now new, 

new intellectual and logical, 

not yet rooted into his soul

and in the heat of emotion

he may forget he has a new tool

and may, instead use what he developed to survive

and fall back to his old schedule, 

that schedule that led him to the new schedule that he started about 10 weeks ago.

 

10 ( play the same track)

so full of thought
so full of conversation that
that will never happen

and even now, 

now that I am calm

in front of paper and pen and ready to write.

the next conversation plays in my head

the one that I know wont go the way my thoughts are playing it

and yet the tape keeps on looping, 

like an 8-track that has no end

my mind plays the same tape

no edits

no talk overs

no impromptus

oh the torment.

for I know the conversation will not go the way my tape is playing  it

my track laid down 

time soon, to go to press

replayed it in my mind so many times 

I

sometimes

Actually believe

this time

this time

my mind laid the track down so well that

the conversation will go down as fantasized

and this time the live performance will be

sublime

flawless

and well timed

but

I know

when I go live

I will make edits, .. on the spot

and be totally unprepared, 

a conversation takes two

and even with my crazy split mind

i am still just one person 

and have just replayed

the same conversation in my mind so many times

and in the studio of my mind

i play the same track

again,

and again

and again 

and again

going live my fantasy crashes into the other persons reality

and I get lost

and my view is not heard

and i am not validated

and I walk away sometimes confused

weak

dejected

and always walk away asking myself "how can I do better next time"

but next time it is again

a one sided conversation

and in the studio of my mind, 

i will play the same track

again,

and again

and again 

and again

9 ( sync)

and the extremes have taken over
and my friend has lost control

my friend was doing so well
working
saving a little
learning
exploring what life has to offer

and the chemicals get out of sync

and the thoughts sink deep 

deep into an abyss 

deeper than the deepest hole at the bottom of the sea

the whole person becomes a shell

like a clam ripped open the meat eaten

hollow

nothing inside

what people see as smooth and clean

in reality is where the soul and self used to be.

now, the self is clinging to the dark side

bacteria and barnacles

a crusty roughness

which has many hiding places.

hiding from the light

on the murky bottom of the sea

so hidden no one can really see

how loud his plea

to be free

free from the chemicals out of sync

8 ( good life)

And the monster has been good

Playing by the rules

staying in its own lane

coloring inside the lines

and the host is doing okay

keeping things under control

staying balanced

so why then the thoughts of self harm?

life is better, ..... but

more happy than not , ..... but

have people in my life , ..... but

spirit is strong , ..... but

why is there always a "BUT"!!!

why not accept 

accept the good life.

"good life"

That's a funny phrase

this all encompassing vagueness

that everyone seems to be striving for

even those that are waiting around to go to heaven

are looking for the good life

good life

some people say

"he has a good life"

but, ...

Can anyone really have a good life?

All the problems

all the stress

all the misunderstandings

and the thoughts that bombard

and the feelings that start,..

and the monster gains some strength

and the monster starts to color outside the lines.

almost imperceptible to the host, that slightest defiance of the monster.

But, .... life is better when the monster is controlled

but,  ...  People in my life help  me control the monster

but,.... my spirit is strong and now sees the monster is trying, again

but, this time I see it before the monster gets to strong

and, this time I see 

the good in my life, before the monster tries to destroy it.

win lose

Life is not win lose

"You have nothing to gain from telling my mom" said the teen.

I did not see it at the time, but i think, he thinks, life adds up to zero.

Winners and losers, add em all up andyou have nothing.

Matter and antimatter add em all up, before the big bang, and you have nothing.

Yet after the big bang, you have something.

There is more than the sum of the parts.

How do i communicate that to a teenager?