decision

The world around me happens
Death of a plant
Death of an insect
Death of a squirrel
Death of a person

and it all feels the same
"oh thats nice" i say to the stranger sitting next to me at the bar where the news is on the tele.

I don't mean what i say, but he started the conversaion
so given the choice to punch him in the head or say "oh that's nice"
I chose to speak.

but then he goes on talking about how bad the world is now,
and when he was a kid, He remembered, blah, blah, blah

I think i should have punched him.

But if I did that now there would be a good reason, to make him shut is mouth!
I imagine the patrons around me would applaud for putting an end to his now constant whining.

So I can't, I can't be the hero that shuts him up, too predictable.

and he drones on about a failed marriage, the news, the horrors of the world.
And the bar is too noisy to really hear him, but you can tell by the pathetic look and bags under his eyes how he can only talk of misery and grief.

so I take relief in a a moment of non existence, as the noise of the bar drowns out my very thoughts.

There is this wonderful moment just at the peak of emotion where being overwhelmed transitions to anger, but before everything turns red and I start throwing chairs at people.

It is the only moment in life when I know I'm alive. This moment of pure adrenaline not hampered by the tunnel vision of anger, not encumbered by social norms.

It is this moment that I have a split second to tell the idiot next to me to shut the fuck up, or smash his face in,

... both of which have their rewards.

I stopped

Like that first true love that breaks your heart
grief so overwhelming
overwhelming my mind
overwhelming my body
overwhelming my soul

the years of being numb
all of the tears suppressed

All coming out at the same time, so intense the emotion, ... I look for escape

escape, I must,....

but nothing works;
torturing animals
mindless television
hours of self inflicted pain

the emotion is still there
a monster that cant be itself
killing the host body

this time there may be no way out

except Dea....