And the boy turned to a man years ago
but today he turned,...
Responsible
and with it came a flood of the suppressed
fear
anger
pain
love
and the seriousness of it all weighs heavy on the new father.
how small and vulnerable
how helpless
the little ones are.
What if he gets it all wrong?
Stuck in the present no way to turn back time.
Tears withheld for self disappointments
Openness offered and accepted
work still to do
hard
rewarding
work, still, to do.
no chip to transfer life experiences
only self
to show for
to love for
to share for
to discipline for
to care for
to laugh for
to cry for
Sometimes a lonely experience, but this time not.
He waited, and is with his life partner for this very emotional event.
planned for.
excited for.
and now that it is here, they realize how they must now
change for.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
New shoes
I picked up Johnny from school and told him that we needed to swing by the store
I needed to exchange some shoes.
he said: "Oh OK, how come?"
I said there is something wrong with the leather insoles either that or the socks.
My foot slides inside the shoe and it is a little bit uncomfortable.
So dad, our assignment tonight is to find out how we can help out in our community.
"The socks were the best the store had, some blend of synthetic and bamboo."
Do we do anything to help our community?
"You'd think that shoes that cost $500 and sox that cost $25 for the pair would be better."
Billy's said that he and his dad were going to a soup-kitchen, whats that?
"I know its a hassle going to the store and there are things you want to do, but its the right thing to do, this damn traffic, we are going nowhere fast."
Hey dad look
"I sure hope the store clerk gives me a hard time I'd love to take this to the manager, that will show you how to deal with people."
Dad, whats with that guy on the side of the road?
"Oh, damn it looks like its going to rain, I sure hope it holds off till at least we get in the store."
His clothes are a mess and torn and dirty.
"In this traffic we haven't moved an inch, maybe we won't go to the store."
His face is so grimy and dirty, and
"No, no matter what, we will go to the store, giving up now will be a bad example for you."
His fingers, it looks like he is missing some, dad do you know why?
"This is not just rain, its an absolute downpour, well, the store has a valet, so will use that to keep from getting too wet. your old man's pretty smart huh Johny?"
He is just standing there in the pouring rain, why doesn't he go home?
"Its important to stand up for your rights, eh son, the shoes should be comfortable the second you put them on."
Dad, hey dad, why does that man have duct tape on his feet instead of shoes?
"After I exchange these lousy shoes, how about I buy you that new "i-something-or-another" that was just released."
"So, what did you learn to day Johnny?"
I needed to exchange some shoes.
he said: "Oh OK, how come?"
I said there is something wrong with the leather insoles either that or the socks.
My foot slides inside the shoe and it is a little bit uncomfortable.
So dad, our assignment tonight is to find out how we can help out in our community.
"The socks were the best the store had, some blend of synthetic and bamboo."
Do we do anything to help our community?
"You'd think that shoes that cost $500 and sox that cost $25 for the pair would be better."
Billy's said that he and his dad were going to a soup-kitchen, whats that?
"I know its a hassle going to the store and there are things you want to do, but its the right thing to do, this damn traffic, we are going nowhere fast."
Hey dad look
"I sure hope the store clerk gives me a hard time I'd love to take this to the manager, that will show you how to deal with people."
Dad, whats with that guy on the side of the road?
"Oh, damn it looks like its going to rain, I sure hope it holds off till at least we get in the store."
His clothes are a mess and torn and dirty.
"In this traffic we haven't moved an inch, maybe we won't go to the store."
His face is so grimy and dirty, and
"No, no matter what, we will go to the store, giving up now will be a bad example for you."
His fingers, it looks like he is missing some, dad do you know why?
"This is not just rain, its an absolute downpour, well, the store has a valet, so will use that to keep from getting too wet. your old man's pretty smart huh Johny?"
He is just standing there in the pouring rain, why doesn't he go home?
"Its important to stand up for your rights, eh son, the shoes should be comfortable the second you put them on."
Dad, hey dad, why does that man have duct tape on his feet instead of shoes?
"After I exchange these lousy shoes, how about I buy you that new "i-something-or-another" that was just released."
"So, what did you learn to day Johnny?"
Saturday, April 24, 2010
turn left part 2
I got tired of being harassed by my parents all the time for the failing grades, even though I knew it could take but one weekend to catch up for the last 8 weeks, it just wasn't fun any more. Jerry thought it was the only way to live.
For me the drug usage stopped, except of course for pot, but that's not a drug no matter what the gov't says. Jerry continued.
Once, I swear, he took speed cut too heavy with rat poison, because the next morning he was doubled over in pain for hours after he woke up. I pleaded with him to just stick with pot. "man I'll get you speed to catch up at school, but,... Please don't buy from that guy again"
A few weeks later, I was going to spend the weekend at his house and he showed me a baggie of multi colored pills.
I asked "where'd you get those from"
"a new guy, over by the school" he said
"dude that's a lot of pills, where'd you get the dough?"
"he gave me free samples to see what I liked the best" said Jerry proudly.
We did not know what was what, or which was which, we knew some would bring us down, some would pick us up mix the right ones together you will feel both at the same time. Mix the wrong ones together and you could die.
"Jerry, just flush them man I got both Sensimilla and Red Hair you'll be flying after a few bongs."
"Yeah, but I want something different" he said.
I pleaded "man speed's OK. You don't know what's in there, remember what you got a few weeks ago, how do you know one of those is not real poison?" I then said "I'm sorry man, but I can't be here while your doing that, please just flush them don't ruin the night"
He spit out at me "man as fucked up as your life is you should be diving in, anything in here has got to be better than that hell hole you call home, don't be a scarred little fuck!"
I left his house and turned away from him and away from my house.
After wandering around for most of the night and with no place to go, I climbed in to his bedroom window, the one that from inside looks like it is locked, but he and I "fixed it" so it wouldn't lock, to get some sleep. We both woke up about noon.
I asked him what color pill and how did it feel and are you going to flush the rest. I really don't remember his response. The years of propaganda had sunk in I knew that pills is a bad way to go.
I told him, maybe out of fear, maybe out of responsibility, that I can't do unknown pills and that I gotta get out from my parents and that bag of pills won't get me, and if keep on taking them, you will eventually get me to take them and I can't let that happen.
I said in a quiet almost cracking from tears voice "I don't want to lose you Jerry"
He said "don't be such a downer,......its Saturday morning, we gotta enjoy the now, hell you could die at tonight's river bottom party"
And with that he went to his little baggie of pills and took two more, and swallowed them in front of me, in what felt to me like absolute betrayal.
My heart stopped beating and I nearly puked.
I had just lost my first real friend.
He kept me alive in fights, got me out of harm, got me laid for the first time, and now he is going down a road that I can not.
I felt helpless and scared and alone, very very alone.
With nothing else to do, I went out his front door and turned left to go home.
For me the drug usage stopped, except of course for pot, but that's not a drug no matter what the gov't says. Jerry continued.
Once, I swear, he took speed cut too heavy with rat poison, because the next morning he was doubled over in pain for hours after he woke up. I pleaded with him to just stick with pot. "man I'll get you speed to catch up at school, but,... Please don't buy from that guy again"
A few weeks later, I was going to spend the weekend at his house and he showed me a baggie of multi colored pills.
I asked "where'd you get those from"
"a new guy, over by the school" he said
"dude that's a lot of pills, where'd you get the dough?"
"he gave me free samples to see what I liked the best" said Jerry proudly.
We did not know what was what, or which was which, we knew some would bring us down, some would pick us up mix the right ones together you will feel both at the same time. Mix the wrong ones together and you could die.
"Jerry, just flush them man I got both Sensimilla and Red Hair you'll be flying after a few bongs."
"Yeah, but I want something different" he said.
I pleaded "man speed's OK. You don't know what's in there, remember what you got a few weeks ago, how do you know one of those is not real poison?" I then said "I'm sorry man, but I can't be here while your doing that, please just flush them don't ruin the night"
He spit out at me "man as fucked up as your life is you should be diving in, anything in here has got to be better than that hell hole you call home, don't be a scarred little fuck!"
I left his house and turned away from him and away from my house.
After wandering around for most of the night and with no place to go, I climbed in to his bedroom window, the one that from inside looks like it is locked, but he and I "fixed it" so it wouldn't lock, to get some sleep. We both woke up about noon.
I asked him what color pill and how did it feel and are you going to flush the rest. I really don't remember his response. The years of propaganda had sunk in I knew that pills is a bad way to go.
I told him, maybe out of fear, maybe out of responsibility, that I can't do unknown pills and that I gotta get out from my parents and that bag of pills won't get me, and if keep on taking them, you will eventually get me to take them and I can't let that happen.
I said in a quiet almost cracking from tears voice "I don't want to lose you Jerry"
He said "don't be such a downer,......its Saturday morning, we gotta enjoy the now, hell you could die at tonight's river bottom party"
And with that he went to his little baggie of pills and took two more, and swallowed them in front of me, in what felt to me like absolute betrayal.
My heart stopped beating and I nearly puked.
I had just lost my first real friend.
He kept me alive in fights, got me out of harm, got me laid for the first time, and now he is going down a road that I can not.
I felt helpless and scared and alone, very very alone.
With nothing else to do, I went out his front door and turned left to go home.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The lie
so in a restaurant a waitress needed to leave
her dad is in the hospital and may not make it much longer.
her body shook with the intense emotions of fear.
And tears fell as the sadness, so stifling takes over.
she inhales and stands up strait as if she was going to
serve customers
then conflict fills her
tell boss !
go to dads side !
clock out !
Gotta go !
Collect tips !
Gotta GO!
Then the cycle starts again she says frantically
" I gotta go"
then heads over to the time clock
"it wont, LET me punch out"
"stupid thing won't let me punch OUT"
"I GOTTA GO!!" with tear filled eyes, "and it wont let me leave"
"I gotta Go, My dad need me and this FUcking thing wont let me clock OUT!!"
Coworker comes to her rescue "Don't worry about clocking out, Just Leave! Go To the Hospital and be with your father"
The chaos felt by the waitresses was huge.
The greatest lie smacked her unexpectedly and hard and she was not ready.
fear
panic
disbelief
all at once and others.
Reality strikes.
People die.
She saw it on TV,
Talked about it with her customers many times before.
The street person that died yesterday meaningless to her, she joked how she did not understand how the bum froze to death "as much dirt as he had on him it should have insulated him" ha ha ha
The boy that starved to death when his crack head mom abandoned him, and she said that his life would be better dead, than a life of misery and drugs.
The person tied up and tortured and killed days later - in reality meaningless to her, she says "your body goes into shock and you don't feel the pain after a while"
Death is all around,
yet she lied it actually existented,
lied about grief by making jokes
Lied to herself of the horrors just before death.
But somehow she thinks that her dad dying is different.
Like his death is important and meaningful.
So important that she can ignore the customers at the restaurant and add workload to her co-workers by leaving early.
Somehow her dad in the hospital is more important than anything else in her life.
and three weeks or a month from now she will lie to herself once again that death doesn't really happen, except of course smacked up side the head when the waves of memories of her now dead father overwhelm her.
her dad is in the hospital and may not make it much longer.
her body shook with the intense emotions of fear.
And tears fell as the sadness, so stifling takes over.
she inhales and stands up strait as if she was going to
serve customers
then conflict fills her
tell boss !
go to dads side !
clock out !
Gotta go !
Collect tips !
Gotta GO!
Then the cycle starts again she says frantically
" I gotta go"
then heads over to the time clock
"it wont, LET me punch out"
"stupid thing won't let me punch OUT"
"I GOTTA GO!!" with tear filled eyes, "and it wont let me leave"
"I gotta Go, My dad need me and this FUcking thing wont let me clock OUT!!"
Coworker comes to her rescue "Don't worry about clocking out, Just Leave! Go To the Hospital and be with your father"
The chaos felt by the waitresses was huge.
The greatest lie smacked her unexpectedly and hard and she was not ready.
fear
panic
disbelief
all at once and others.
Reality strikes.
People die.
She saw it on TV,
Talked about it with her customers many times before.
The street person that died yesterday meaningless to her, she joked how she did not understand how the bum froze to death "as much dirt as he had on him it should have insulated him" ha ha ha
The boy that starved to death when his crack head mom abandoned him, and she said that his life would be better dead, than a life of misery and drugs.
The person tied up and tortured and killed days later - in reality meaningless to her, she says "your body goes into shock and you don't feel the pain after a while"
Death is all around,
yet she lied it actually existented,
lied about grief by making jokes
Lied to herself of the horrors just before death.
But somehow she thinks that her dad dying is different.
Like his death is important and meaningful.
So important that she can ignore the customers at the restaurant and add workload to her co-workers by leaving early.
Somehow her dad in the hospital is more important than anything else in her life.
and three weeks or a month from now she will lie to herself once again that death doesn't really happen, except of course smacked up side the head when the waves of memories of her now dead father overwhelm her.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
who am I
Everyone that meets me has a different view.
some think I can do no wrong,
some see compassion
some see intelligence
some see thoughtfulness
some think I am just and fair
some feel a profound love from me
some feel pain caused by my hand
some feel confused by me
I keep you captive
say things to confuse
cut you shallow
sometimes cut you deep
sometimes I find you as a child and ruin any chance of childhood
sometimes I go after your kids or grand-kids
sometimes I go after your friends or neighbors
sometimes I find you as a strong adult, and crush you, maim you, make you plead for life.
and sometimes I just kill you because I tire of you.
Fortunately I don't kill too many of you.
Like the tortured, kidnapped victim, you will lose all hope in life.
But,.. I need you alive, so I ease up, soften or stop the blows.
Let you get comfortable with the lack of pain.
You thank me for being nice, and letting you live, when others have died.
When actually i am just resting it takes a lot of energy to ruin your life.
You start believing that.... "No Pain Means, Pleasure".
I may let you go and find another victim,
I may keep you,
Either way it will take years to accept what I have done to you
Maybe I should have killed you,.. it would have been more humane.
The ripple effect of my actions will profoundly affect everyone in your life.
They will cry, they may scream,
They will no doubt curse me for what I did to you.
You too will curse me for what I did.
If anyone else did what I did you would also want revenge.
(side note - people call it "justice", but its really revenge-you'd want me to suffer and burn in HELL.)
-- Fortunately it is I, and not someone else.
Then your humanity kicks in and you accommodate what has just happened.
Others in your life will help you minimize the horror I inflicted.
Then somehow you, and those in the ripple effect, will God-willing, get to a healthy-acceptance.
You will see the good that came out of it, and know that you and others are better people for experiencing the horrors.
In the acceptance you may say "thank God for being a fair and just God, and letting you live, when others have died" or "I could not have gotten through this were it not for His love"
And in some perverse sense of everything that is Wrong you will love Me, and think I am fair and just for the tortures I inflict on all corners of the world.
Who am I?
some think I can do no wrong,
some see compassion
some see intelligence
some see thoughtfulness
some think I am just and fair
some feel a profound love from me
some feel pain caused by my hand
some feel confused by me
I keep you captive
say things to confuse
cut you shallow
sometimes cut you deep
sometimes I find you as a child and ruin any chance of childhood
sometimes I go after your kids or grand-kids
sometimes I go after your friends or neighbors
sometimes I find you as a strong adult, and crush you, maim you, make you plead for life.
and sometimes I just kill you because I tire of you.
Fortunately I don't kill too many of you.
Like the tortured, kidnapped victim, you will lose all hope in life.
But,.. I need you alive, so I ease up, soften or stop the blows.
Let you get comfortable with the lack of pain.
You thank me for being nice, and letting you live, when others have died.
When actually i am just resting it takes a lot of energy to ruin your life.
You start believing that.... "No Pain Means, Pleasure".
I may let you go and find another victim,
I may keep you,
Either way it will take years to accept what I have done to you
Maybe I should have killed you,.. it would have been more humane.
The ripple effect of my actions will profoundly affect everyone in your life.
They will cry, they may scream,
They will no doubt curse me for what I did to you.
You too will curse me for what I did.
If anyone else did what I did you would also want revenge.
(side note - people call it "justice", but its really revenge-you'd want me to suffer and burn in HELL.)
-- Fortunately it is I, and not someone else.
Then your humanity kicks in and you accommodate what has just happened.
Others in your life will help you minimize the horror I inflicted.
Then somehow you, and those in the ripple effect, will God-willing, get to a healthy-acceptance.
You will see the good that came out of it, and know that you and others are better people for experiencing the horrors.
In the acceptance you may say "thank God for being a fair and just God, and letting you live, when others have died" or "I could not have gotten through this were it not for His love"
And in some perverse sense of everything that is Wrong you will love Me, and think I am fair and just for the tortures I inflict on all corners of the world.
Who am I?
Saturday, April 17, 2010
cloudy day
and there is so much to do
I am handicapped by myself
Going through clothes in storage
finding them moldy and musky-smelling
like the old man that lives alone in his clutter
overwhelmed
sad
waste
everywhere I look is something,
something to fix
something to clean
something to build
something to throw out
something not done!
I look at the past and I see failure
financial, emotional, spiritual, physical
all elements have failure
failure a judgement word I feel
judged
judge poorly
depressed
despair
demoralized
a grey cloud hangs on me
the weather echos my feelings
there is really nothing left but pain
I am too strong so my monster is no help
just pain
regret
overwhelmed
pain
I find myself on the floor puking a cocktail of poisons,
Apparently I'm a failure in attempted death also.
I am handicapped by myself
Going through clothes in storage
finding them moldy and musky-smelling
like the old man that lives alone in his clutter
overwhelmed
sad
waste
everywhere I look is something,
something to fix
something to clean
something to build
something to throw out
something not done!
I look at the past and I see failure
financial, emotional, spiritual, physical
all elements have failure
failure a judgement word I feel
judged
judge poorly
depressed
despair
demoralized
a grey cloud hangs on me
the weather echos my feelings
there is really nothing left but pain
I am too strong so my monster is no help
just pain
regret
overwhelmed
pain
I find myself on the floor puking a cocktail of poisons,
Apparently I'm a failure in attempted death also.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Gone
"I can't look" she says.
as the humane pretend
the Nazi continue on
men work
boys work or die
other boys, girls and women, well you know
"to unspeakable" so they say
say nothing.
its not real (I hope)
why?
how can we stop?
profound suffering
pain
horror
but it just a job
to torture
to shatter
to abuse
and we say nothing
fear
fear of torture
fear of power
fear of death
and we say nothing
but some messages do survive
and we learn nothing because it is "to unspeakable"
and we learn nothing because there is no excitement
no fantasy
no video games
no talk shows
no mindless entertainment
just reality to unspeakable
so it will repeat
as the humane pretend
the Nazi continue on
men work
boys work or die
other boys, girls and women, well you know
"to unspeakable" so they say
say nothing.
its not real (I hope)
why?
how can we stop?
profound suffering
pain
horror
but it just a job
to torture
to shatter
to abuse
and we say nothing
fear
fear of torture
fear of power
fear of death
and we say nothing
but some messages do survive
and we learn nothing because it is "to unspeakable"
and we learn nothing because there is no excitement
no fantasy
no video games
no talk shows
no mindless entertainment
just reality to unspeakable
so it will repeat
congratulations
Damn
I did it again
my self worth hinging on another
excited anticipation
contoled.
crashed,
dashed
the overseer had their reasons
and for over two days I am
crushed.
dejected
ruined
then settle for sets in
its better than nothing
its better than others
its better,...
but deep inside I bury the truth
and to avoid the pain I seek escape
music
pictures
words
self
others
sleep
TV
chores
anything but to think of the torment
feel the pain of disapointment.
i have no escape
except to accept and confrom
conform
tell others how great it is
conform
be "normal"
I am happy now, I must be because everyone says:
"Congratulations"
although I still hear the complete sentence
"congratulations, at least you got something not as much as others less than you, less than half of what you deserve"
"congratulations, Steve"
I did it again
my self worth hinging on another
excited anticipation
contoled.
crashed,
dashed
the overseer had their reasons
and for over two days I am
crushed.
dejected
ruined
then settle for sets in
its better than nothing
its better than others
its better,...
but deep inside I bury the truth
and to avoid the pain I seek escape
music
pictures
words
self
others
sleep
TV
chores
anything but to think of the torment
feel the pain of disapointment.
i have no escape
except to accept and confrom
conform
tell others how great it is
conform
be "normal"
I am happy now, I must be because everyone says:
"Congratulations"
although I still hear the complete sentence
"congratulations, at least you got something not as much as others less than you, less than half of what you deserve"
"congratulations, Steve"
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Soup kitchen
And a good man's heart is heavy with sacrifice and pain
he stays hot and sweaty all summer,
cold and in pain all winter.
he lives in darkness with a thin layer of grease
a thin layer of grease all around
his claim to fame?
He is alive.
and hot and greasy bombarded by noise relentlessly
accepted?
Resigned?
Given up?
no
No,
NO!
He sees the bigger purpose
Helping others.
Help the sheep -- the ones with no initiative
The masses that don't want help.
and hope that a few do want
want to be helped
want to succeed
want to live
he wants to help the peoples, the peoples
the peoples that are hungry when they go to sleep
the peoples that are hungry when they wake up.
they hurt so bad, the need to escape the pain.
The pain of years gone bad, the pain of being stepped on.
so they self medicate, it is easier to escape than feel the hunger.
and he wants to help the people.
"when you are hungry that is the only thought you have,
you feel it so deep,
it creates hopelessness,
it lives and controls your thoughts and feelings
it hurts so bad that you can't think
it makes strong men cry
and mothers die."
and the thought
"we choose where we want to be"
some conscientiously -- like Louis who lives at the soup kitchen.
some through their mistaken beliefs and victim posture -- like all the people he tries to help.
he stays hot and sweaty all summer,
cold and in pain all winter.
he lives in darkness with a thin layer of grease
a thin layer of grease all around
his claim to fame?
He is alive.
and hot and greasy bombarded by noise relentlessly
accepted?
Resigned?
Given up?
no
No,
NO!
He sees the bigger purpose
Helping others.
Help the sheep -- the ones with no initiative
The masses that don't want help.
and hope that a few do want
want to be helped
want to succeed
want to live
he wants to help the peoples, the peoples
the peoples that are hungry when they go to sleep
the peoples that are hungry when they wake up.
they hurt so bad, the need to escape the pain.
The pain of years gone bad, the pain of being stepped on.
so they self medicate, it is easier to escape than feel the hunger.
and he wants to help the people.
"when you are hungry that is the only thought you have,
you feel it so deep,
it creates hopelessness,
it lives and controls your thoughts and feelings
it hurts so bad that you can't think
it makes strong men cry
and mothers die."
and the thought
"we choose where we want to be"
some conscientiously -- like Louis who lives at the soup kitchen.
some through their mistaken beliefs and victim posture -- like all the people he tries to help.
Monday, April 5, 2010
hmm vanilla
yes grandpa I want ice cream
and we sit down to eat.
He explains to me his Lego x-wing fighter and other craft he created.
showing me the turns and how fast they can go
who the good guys are and the bad.
his excitement and pride in accomplishment expressed, he takes the first bite
and with pure honesty and a little surprise he says, "hmmmmm Vanilla."
Those words evoke in me
pleasure
gratitude
pride
closeness
Feelings I have never felt before with such intensity.
that moment, that very special moment
the innocence
the real
the taste
the smile
Hmmmm Vanilla.
and we sit down to eat.
He explains to me his Lego x-wing fighter and other craft he created.
showing me the turns and how fast they can go
who the good guys are and the bad.
his excitement and pride in accomplishment expressed, he takes the first bite
and with pure honesty and a little surprise he says, "hmmmmm Vanilla."
Those words evoke in me
pleasure
gratitude
pride
closeness
Feelings I have never felt before with such intensity.
that moment, that very special moment
the innocence
the real
the taste
the smile
Hmmmm Vanilla.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
procession
It felt solemn and quiet today.
and the and the 13 year old in the back seat of the car trying to escape the boredom tries to put music to his ears, but was denied that needed pleasure.
His parents talked to him of
respect
custom
being proper
avoidance of being looked down upon by the others.
conformity
But He saw they felt
uptight
slightly sad
slightly bothered
and
huge sense of duty.
and his parents trying to justify their decision to keep him from his music, show him how one of his friends two cars ahead is sitting up straight and proper, and looks like he is actually talking to his parents.
and they boy sees how the car directly ahead, and directly behind have "old People" that don't look very happy.
and he knows that his friend two cars ahead, is trying to get on his parents good side so they will let him spend the night even though he got detention at school this week.
Neither of them wear ties too terribly often, just special occasions, he does not find it comfortable, and he thinks to himself; these pants are TOO TIGHT. Who ever heard of wearing your pants around your waist AND a belt, I feel like i'm going to smother to death.
"Mom I'm Freaking Dying in these pants" he screams.
She looks back and says "Poor choice of words, young man, especially where we are going"
"Sorry, Mom, Its just weird today, all of us heading the same place at the same time what did you all it?.... like a Procession?"
"Yes dear procession, and when we get to the church, stay with us don't run off with your friend. And please, Please, Please let us do the talking especially if someone says they have not seen us for a while."
Fortunately they sit close to his friend that was two cars ahead of them, and the service begins.
No texting allowed, so they resort to whispers.
"God this is boring..."
"Why is that woman crying?"
"I can't wait till the Easter egg hunt."
and the and the 13 year old in the back seat of the car trying to escape the boredom tries to put music to his ears, but was denied that needed pleasure.
His parents talked to him of
respect
custom
being proper
avoidance of being looked down upon by the others.
conformity
But He saw they felt
uptight
slightly sad
slightly bothered
and
huge sense of duty.
and his parents trying to justify their decision to keep him from his music, show him how one of his friends two cars ahead is sitting up straight and proper, and looks like he is actually talking to his parents.
and they boy sees how the car directly ahead, and directly behind have "old People" that don't look very happy.
and he knows that his friend two cars ahead, is trying to get on his parents good side so they will let him spend the night even though he got detention at school this week.
Neither of them wear ties too terribly often, just special occasions, he does not find it comfortable, and he thinks to himself; these pants are TOO TIGHT. Who ever heard of wearing your pants around your waist AND a belt, I feel like i'm going to smother to death.
"Mom I'm Freaking Dying in these pants" he screams.
She looks back and says "Poor choice of words, young man, especially where we are going"
"Sorry, Mom, Its just weird today, all of us heading the same place at the same time what did you all it?.... like a Procession?"
"Yes dear procession, and when we get to the church, stay with us don't run off with your friend. And please, Please, Please let us do the talking especially if someone says they have not seen us for a while."
Fortunately they sit close to his friend that was two cars ahead of them, and the service begins.
No texting allowed, so they resort to whispers.
"God this is boring..."
"Why is that woman crying?"
"I can't wait till the Easter egg hunt."
Saturday, April 3, 2010
regret created
As the girl looks out the back of the car watching as Scott rushes into his dark empty house, she sees his slightly hunched over body heave up as he enters the front door.
And her mom asks her "is everything alright with him, he seemed quiet even for Scott." but before the girl could answer the driver of the car, in his logical way says to his wife "dear he is just a teenager, he has no normal"
The wife retorts "Why do you always interrupt, I wasn't talking you, Damn-it Can't I have a civil conversation with my daughter, without 'Mr. Logic' interfering,..."
and he says "don't start with that again"
She continues "well its true you are as cold as a stone, and your world is this perfectly arranged, bore, there is more to life than logic, what did the Doctor say?"
He reacts: "Can't you just leave well enough alone, why do you always bring that into every conversation, Damn it, you are such a Bitc..."
And the wife cuts the insult off before it is completed "not in front of our daughter"
He says "she knows we fight, its normal for people to argue"
The car becomes quiet, and the short drive home seems to take hours, the girl's let her iPod battery go dead, so she did not have her normal escape.
With no escape she looked back on the argument that just happened, and could not remember where it began,
What was that first question?
What was the words that turned it ugly?
When will we get home this it taking for ever... but, tonight was a good night we all had some great fun.
Picking on Scott, he was-like in such a mood tonight.
hiding from him in that one store.
pretending I wanted to kiss him.
John yanking on his pants, we didn't know we'd get to see so much :-)
Making fun of the middle schoolers trying to be Goth.
Pretending to get into a fight with Emily, it shocked even me when she pushed me into that display, knocking down all of those neatly stacked boxes then called me a bitch so loud that everyone in the store turned to look at us.
Flattening the tire of the security guards golf=cart.
Booby-trapping the salt shakers at that restaurant.
John kissing Ben on the lips on a dare. I found that so hot I had to do the same to Ben, and gave his butt a little squeeze as I slipped my tongue where just a minute ago John had his tongue.
Playing with the puppies in the pet store.
Finally, we are home, I can't wait to get out of this mobile cage. And with total predictably, Dad goes to the garage to watch TV and have a few beers, and mom and I have a night cap of milk and some delicious chocolate cake.
I tell her of my night, but not everything, of course, and as the conversation has longer pauses, I ask her what started that fight in the car?
She said "I'm not exactly sure dear, things sometimes are more important than they appear." after a short pause "All I really remember is after we dropped Scott off I asked you is Scott was OK, he seemed unusually quiet tonight?"
and the girl responded, "he was just Scott, maybe a little quiet, he kept on getting some in his eyes 'cause a couple of times tonight I saw them tearing up"
They cleaned up their plates and turned in for the night.
The next morning the group of friends were texting ferociously of the latest news and the girl in front of her mom, while reading a text exclaimed
"Oh My GOD, that cant be"
and she immediately called the sender of the text, and hopped online to read it for herself,
and the girl begins to cry.
and calls her her mom over to see the horror that took place while they slept.
The headline read:
"TEENS No Longer Allowed in the Mall"
And her mom asks her "is everything alright with him, he seemed quiet even for Scott." but before the girl could answer the driver of the car, in his logical way says to his wife "dear he is just a teenager, he has no normal"
The wife retorts "Why do you always interrupt, I wasn't talking you, Damn-it Can't I have a civil conversation with my daughter, without 'Mr. Logic' interfering,..."
and he says "don't start with that again"
She continues "well its true you are as cold as a stone, and your world is this perfectly arranged, bore, there is more to life than logic, what did the Doctor say?"
He reacts: "Can't you just leave well enough alone, why do you always bring that into every conversation, Damn it, you are such a Bitc..."
And the wife cuts the insult off before it is completed "not in front of our daughter"
He says "she knows we fight, its normal for people to argue"
The car becomes quiet, and the short drive home seems to take hours, the girl's let her iPod battery go dead, so she did not have her normal escape.
With no escape she looked back on the argument that just happened, and could not remember where it began,
What was that first question?
What was the words that turned it ugly?
When will we get home this it taking for ever... but, tonight was a good night we all had some great fun.
Picking on Scott, he was-like in such a mood tonight.
hiding from him in that one store.
pretending I wanted to kiss him.
John yanking on his pants, we didn't know we'd get to see so much :-)
Making fun of the middle schoolers trying to be Goth.
Pretending to get into a fight with Emily, it shocked even me when she pushed me into that display, knocking down all of those neatly stacked boxes then called me a bitch so loud that everyone in the store turned to look at us.
Flattening the tire of the security guards golf=cart.
Booby-trapping the salt shakers at that restaurant.
John kissing Ben on the lips on a dare. I found that so hot I had to do the same to Ben, and gave his butt a little squeeze as I slipped my tongue where just a minute ago John had his tongue.
Playing with the puppies in the pet store.
Finally, we are home, I can't wait to get out of this mobile cage. And with total predictably, Dad goes to the garage to watch TV and have a few beers, and mom and I have a night cap of milk and some delicious chocolate cake.
I tell her of my night, but not everything, of course, and as the conversation has longer pauses, I ask her what started that fight in the car?
She said "I'm not exactly sure dear, things sometimes are more important than they appear." after a short pause "All I really remember is after we dropped Scott off I asked you is Scott was OK, he seemed unusually quiet tonight?"
and the girl responded, "he was just Scott, maybe a little quiet, he kept on getting some in his eyes 'cause a couple of times tonight I saw them tearing up"
They cleaned up their plates and turned in for the night.
The next morning the group of friends were texting ferociously of the latest news and the girl in front of her mom, while reading a text exclaimed
"Oh My GOD, that cant be"
and she immediately called the sender of the text, and hopped online to read it for herself,
and the girl begins to cry.
and calls her her mom over to see the horror that took place while they slept.
The headline read:
"TEENS No Longer Allowed in the Mall"
Thursday, April 1, 2010
alone
and the one alone in the crowd of his peers
conflict - full.
home life stress
peer social shit
choices too hard for one so young
he seeks escape
tears held under the surface no one sees his pain
he is alone.
alone
alone in a crowd of peers
family strife hidden deep
the tears dare not come
not now! not when he is at the mall with his friends
but one or two still fall.
the group ill-equiped to see the danger does nothing.
alone
his crowd now gone he is left with only one other
her compassion spent on the goodbyes to the group of peers
she sees none of his fears, nor the one tear he can't hold back.
Alone
the crowd driven home by their respective parents.
he does not have parents tonight so he goes with
the one girl left and her parents.
he let slip one hint but the parents heard it not,
and real conversation is not spoken.
Alone
last hope driven off with their daughter in the back seat.
Tears deep inside begin to freely flow with each step to his front door.
Alone
no drugs left, his parents stash empty, they found his and used it all up
no friends to help
this feeling must not live longer than this night.
Plan set
the tears finally stop
calm replaces the pain
The cold feeling as blood fills the tub makes him feel alone.
conflict - full.
home life stress
peer social shit
choices too hard for one so young
he seeks escape
tears held under the surface no one sees his pain
he is alone.
alone
alone in a crowd of peers
family strife hidden deep
the tears dare not come
not now! not when he is at the mall with his friends
but one or two still fall.
the group ill-equiped to see the danger does nothing.
alone
his crowd now gone he is left with only one other
her compassion spent on the goodbyes to the group of peers
she sees none of his fears, nor the one tear he can't hold back.
Alone
the crowd driven home by their respective parents.
he does not have parents tonight so he goes with
the one girl left and her parents.
he let slip one hint but the parents heard it not,
and real conversation is not spoken.
Alone
last hope driven off with their daughter in the back seat.
Tears deep inside begin to freely flow with each step to his front door.
Alone
no drugs left, his parents stash empty, they found his and used it all up
no friends to help
this feeling must not live longer than this night.
Plan set
the tears finally stop
calm replaces the pain
The cold feeling as blood fills the tub makes him feel alone.
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