Mom's next weekend

Mom and Dad were together 12 years yesterday and, me, their oldest child will be 11 in three months

But that does not seem to matter to mom.

There are songs and shows on TV  of women acting crazy. 

But 

but

but grandma never thought it would happen to mom.

And mom moving out, so suddenly, started out okay but is quickly turning just short of violent.

And the 11 yr old, just wants to catch pok-e-mon,  but the apartments where mom lives is too dangerous mom says.

The 11 yr old does not understand why mom cant come to dads house, 

That is where they have lived for the last 11 years.

Dad didn't change, 

mom left dad.

Mom has a mean man in her life.

He is not nice to me or my little sister.  He doesn't touch us, or hit us, but the way he talks to me,

he yells at me for the littlest things, like leaving a sock on the floor

he never smiles at me

I feel like he hates me

He does not care about us, 

and he 

he is

he is taking our mom away from us.  

I dont like the way he is mean to mom, I'm 11 I cant tell him to stop pushing mom, he'd throw me against a wall.

Once she had to call the police on him cause of the arguing they were doing.

Mom told me not to tell dad.

I hate going to mom's, and I feel so helpless, alone and guilty for not wanting to go.

Mom is so much different, and I just doesn't understand . 

Strangers called mediators ask a lot of questions at all the meetings.

After the meetings mom and dad say very different things, its like they were not even in the same room I was in.

I just want to be 11 years old

and have parents that live together

Parents that get along

Parents,...

not parents, but a mom,...

a  mom that does not ask me to lie to dad

a mom that loves me

I want the mom I used to have.

everyone else in my school has this fucked up life, 

of parents living in different houses,

of parents asking kids to keep a lie,

I did not think it would happen to me.

 

And

I wonder if I did something to cause this

And
I wonder how I can fix this.

And

I wonder how I can get my mom back

I don't have the words to tell you how i feel, but it is not good...

I am quiet, so no one can tell how sad i really am.

I heard of this thing called suicide
And i wonder how people do it, 

sometimes on the news they say kids do it

I just wonder how to do it, 

Cause I

Cause I

Because I really, really, really 

do NOT  want to go to my moms next weekend...

teen needs therapy

"tell me about your father"
"tell me about your mother"
"tell me about your brothers or sisters"

The therapist had all the questions,
the same ones as the shrinks before her.
prying
trying
lying

Anything to get the truth  - they call it "getting real"

"You seem so unhappy for such a young teen" The therapist says.
As if that would mean something to me
I know I'm unhappy!   No one needs to pretend to be my friend and tell me that.  Lady that is a lousy opening line, maybe you could ask if I find you attractive, or when was the last time I masturbated, that might shock me into being a little bit involved in what you are trying to do.


"If you could change one thing in your life what would it be" she queried.
This is a new question for me, so i answer this one real quick "I don't know"
Three magic words which when said early enough will keep me from saying too much and staying out of trouble with all adults, except of course the one that taught me to say it.  


"Do you like anyone at school?"
I respond "I don't know"
She exhales in frustration.
I think to myself see how effective that phrase is :-)
But, do I like anyone at school? lets see, who do I know at school.  Tommy-I think that's his name-blue jean jacket a little overweight dark hair, spit a huge flem-ball on my back. Gene-he'd kill you just for looking at him. The smart kids who,... who likes them!  Then there is that blond kid, blue eyes, in gym class he cracked his nuts on the pummel horse, how I wanted to,...



"Do you have any pets?"
I respond "yes, a dog" and think to myself oh, did I give too much information, no, no that one is OK, everyone has a pet. I've seen kids playing in the street, out there, sometimes playing having fun, some with their dogs. One kid in particular my age, perfect smile, smooth tan skin and.....


"What's your pets name?"
I respond "why do you ask?"
I think to myself I am tired of the questions, maybe I can get her to do some of the talking.


"Why do you hesitate to tell me your dog's name?"
I respond, you guessed it "I Don't Know"
Her name is Greta she is a German Sheppard, my only true confidant and friend. Sleeps at the foot of my bed, tries to protect me from the now occasional 'night time visits'. The only thing in my live that I truly  Lov,...


"In class your teachers say you daydream a lot, look out the window, generally don't pay attention" then after a long pause therapist continues "what are you thinking about all day"
I pause and think to myself, I think of how to escape the boredom, what trouble can I get into so I don't have to go home, how can I get close to that blond so I can see part of their naked body.  When I get home what do I have to do to stay out of trouble.  Why didn't I throw a chair at Tommy when he spit on my.  Why am I afraid to make eye contact.  I hope there are aliens, because I so want them to do sex experiments on me and let me pick some of their victims and ,....



"So, are you just going to sit there for the WHOLE session!" the therapist snaps "did you hear the question I asked!?"


I respond "what was the question again? I got lost in thought."
I had truly forgotten her question, I was day dreaming and lost touch with reality. Funny me being in a shrinks office, them trying to help me "be real" and I lose touch with "reality" when asked what do I daydream about all day, then I forget the questio,...



"You are incorrigible, if you don't care enough to help yourself then there is no hope for you,.....this session is over" she states in a most condescending tone.
and with that
I felt
hopeless,
lost, and very alone,
and I don't even know what incorrigible means but the way she said it must mean that I am a horrible person.
Why do I even try!!
I am so different than everyone else and I just don't fit
I'm a fucking loser
Home, school,
even the shrinks don't like me, and They get paid to like me.


I wish I were dead--no not dead just in another country where I--no not another country, but friends with some aliens which let me help them understand sex in humans by letting me pick up that blond in school, and the one on my street with the smooth tan skin and perfect smile, and let me strip them down and,...



"Do you have nothing to say?" she asks and then excuses herself after a long exhale and a short grunt.


On the way home my parents say that the therapist was frustrated that I just sat there with a blank stare, and only gave short answers.  They were still talking but that soon faded as some aliens came down and...