I did it
with all my fighting
with the years of holding on, I have finally let go.
Death will come slowly, but I will not feel it.
People won't notice my decay, because they have done it already.
The only ones left not doing it are very old, but who listens to them.
I am the last in my family, the one who held on.
Held on that the only truth in life is our perception of life, and I must NOT do it, otherwise I loose perception.
I argued that I must not do it, because, I must stay different and prove that difference, when called upon to do so.
But my family and friends have shown me the Way,
and if I am the only one that knows the truth regardless of its reality, no one will believe, even if I have proof.
I once showed to someone, that scientist believed there was 'advanced life' on the planet Mars, the document cited the latest evidence. The year it was printed 1930.
He just laughed and said, "idiot we know that's not true now"
Explaining to him would be just like telling my family and friends, they would not understand that something printed does not change, history can't be re-written if you have a book on your shelf. Even if I never read that book it is an unchanging perception of the time.
And so I did it:
I got rid of all my books, the new house is just too small and the fight too great.
So I succumb to be told what to think, by relying on news and the source of all information Wikipedia.
The price I fear will be:
Forgotten oil spills (Persian Gulf 1991),
Forgotten impact of introducing pet rabbits in Austrailia (1859),
What are two of the formula's used in waiting line theory?
was there love or hate in the Republic of Bosnia-Herzegovina(1993),
and what is an 8-track, what did it do right?
what is the proper position to sit when you transcribe dictation?
and what was a fagot used for again?
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
life in 30 seconds
as I sit and wish for the magic stone to make life happily every after i scream at the television "fuck you for your lies"
life is not solved in 30 minutes
life is not happily ever after
life sucks
but there are moments of comedy
then life sucks
but there are moments of loving smiles
then life sucks
but there is beauty
and hope
and plants to water
and pets to feed
and kids to raise
and people to help
and times to ask for help
and cars that need repaired
there is survival
then comes accomplishment
then comes the pride
and acceptance
then you can look back and see
see life
see the love
see happiness
see the inner beauty
and
see
really see clearly
that life sucks.
life is not solved in 30 minutes
life is not happily ever after
life sucks
but there are moments of comedy
then life sucks
but there are moments of loving smiles
then life sucks
but there is beauty
and hope
and plants to water
and pets to feed
and kids to raise
and people to help
and times to ask for help
and cars that need repaired
there is survival
then comes accomplishment
then comes the pride
and acceptance
then you can look back and see
see life
see the love
see happiness
see the inner beauty
and
see
really see clearly
that life sucks.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
turn left part_3
Author's note: This is part three of I don't know how many parts. A new venue for me, a long story, funny though I know how it will end, but all the middle pieces are like this void that then cries for life, so I write. Here are links to Part 0ne and Part Two, if you want to read those.
Jerry helped me more than anyone else through the hell of being a teenager,
"best years of your life" my grandparents said.
Bull Fucking Shit,...
anyway, like I said Jerry got me out of my shell, he helped me make and keep friends. He taught me shit that my parents should have, some real basic, like take a shower every day.
But when he went down the path of unknown drugs I had to drop away.
We stayed in touch and shared pieces of our life, when he bought that big 4x4 truck, I was the first person he showed it to.
I fell in love and married an older woman that had three kids, he was the only person in my life that showed any sense of real happiness for me and my new family.
We had a love and a compassion for each other that you see in the movies, when two soldiers escape death several times and they both make it home, alive; and then of course, live happily every after.
Well we had escaped death several times, he saved me more times than I saved him, and we made it to adulthood, me with my family and job and house and school recitals; and him working construction when there was work to be had, and living in an small apartment not too far from my house. The happily ever after part, well, that, I guess that will happen when we are both dead because I have a family to raise and he is still looking for the next high.
One of my three kids is a girl, her name is Jenna, the night she turned 15 years old she wanted to go to a party at the local college, from a fathers perspective the answer is easy "no".
"but why" she pleaded
"YOU DON'T TRUST ME" she screamed
"you are ruining my life, all my friends will be there" with tears in her eyes
"I hate you" as she she stomped down to her room, and slammed the door.
I had learned that going down to try to talk to her would be a waste of time and emotional energy, I figure I finish with my planned night and in the morning, well noon-ish when she woke up, we could talk it out. Somewhere close to midnight after watching a string of those great "B" rated sci-fi films, and after finishing a jigsaw puzzle I headed off to bed.
Jenna must have been waiting to hear the TV go off, because soon there after, as I would later learn, she left the house through the bedroom window. She was headed to the party and her blond hair and tight fitting clothes were attracting all the boys roaming the streets, like a spotlight attracting moths.
She was feeling alive and free, having broken the bondage of her room, she found three escorts to tell her how pretty she is and how stupid her parents are, two of them were within a year of her age and one of them was about 5 years older.
All three of the boys had been partying and were feeling good, the boys did stupid boy-things; yelling loud for no reason, hitting each other, all the primal sexual feelings suppressed by society and learned fear, expressed in ways, that when they look back, they will not believe how dumb they were.
They would do different things to embarrass her, make her blush, make her hit them, the boys would do anything to get her to hit them or better yet kick at their groin. The oldest of the group, Ben, dared her to kick him square in the balls, the group turned silent.
Getting hit there by a girl was like, a rite-of-passage for a teenage boy, but to ask for it, no one had ever dared a that. Ben said "boys, looks like she is all talk, she is just a scared little girl"
Before Jenna could have a verbal comeback the two other boys began egging her on to kick him
"kick him "
'Kick him"
they chanted in unison.
She said "OK, alright, you sure Ben?"
And he stood directly in front of her, spread eagle with a slight stagger, then regained his balance and glared at her in defiance.
She kicked at him, but with a little hesitation, and in that hesitation he stepped into the kick and grabbed her. Pulled her close to and rubbed her body against his hard cock, she tried to get away but he just held tight, grabbing her breasts and her firm rounded ass,
She was squirming around a lot trying to break free from him.
Just as she was breaking free, Ben called to the other boys and said with a voice that cracked "Hold her,.. don't let her get away".
They thinking its all part of the fun did so and the two of them pinned her down to the ground as Ben approached "you think your so hot and beautiful, prancing that bitch ass of yours in front of us, I know what you want, you want a real man"
One of the boys holding Jenna, echoed "a Real Man"
And Ben said "boy's you've been wanting this for a long time lets take a good look at her those tits" and with that he grabbed her shirt and cut it open with a knife and then ever so delicately cut her bra, which then exposed her stomach so firm and smooth and two perfectly tender, perfectly sized breasts.
Jenna was in shock as were the two holding her down. She lay there exposed and vulnerable. She was to scared to scream. Her mind was going a million miles an hour but did not know what to do.
She could feel her heart beating so fast if felt like it was going to explode.
She lay there helpless, wishing she was home,
and then she felt Ben,
grabbing at her breasts
hands traveling down her firm soft body
grabbing at her shorts
She looked up to the boys holding her down, to plead for help, and one of them let go,
but the Ben, punched him in the ear and said "if she gets away, I'm gonna rape you, then slowly cut you into pieces, NOW HOLD HER STILL!!!"
All of a sudden the night turned very sinister and smell of fear and adrenaline was in the air, three of them experiencing pure fear and confusion, and the one in control was feeling very powerful and very aroused.
She closed her eyes trying to escape the horrors by going away,
going away mentally
going away emotionally
"If I don't see it, its really not happening" she said to herself,
"If I don't see it, its really not happening" she said to herself,
"If I don't see it, its really not happening" she said, over and over as if it were a magic chant that would make this end.
And she cried, a silent whimper as Ben touched every part of her body Ben had cut her shorts off,
and pulled his pants down,
then he fell on top of her.
she screamed "No, DONT!!!", ...
But felt nothing, nothing except the dead weight of his body on hers.
Then the two boys let go of her.
The dead weight of Ben was rolled off of her.
She opened her eyes to see Jerry.
He told her, in a very quiet calming voice "it will be OK, let me take you home" and took his shirt off so she could wear it.
Jerry left Ben on the side of the road, told the two boys to go home and and walked Jenna home.
About 3:am My wife and I woke up to a knocking at the door, when I answered the door there stood a girl that had learned a good lesson, instead of being tortured and raped. Jenna came running in and crying uncontrollably to me and then her mom, I invited Jerry in.
After Jenna relayed the story and had cried all the tears she could that night she and her mom went off to bed.
Jerry asked if he could crash here for the rest of the morning, of course I said "yes".
About noon, the household was waking up, and Jerry told me that he happened to be there, at the right place at the right time to save my daughter, because he was cutting through the neighborhood, after his truck was stolen at the local bar. He was drinking away the pain of the job he had just lost. He said he really did not have any place to go, by now he would be locked out of his apartment, because he is 2 days late with the rent money.
So I let him stay with us, and let him use a car so he could find another job, I offered to pay his apartment rent, but he said he could figure that one out. For a couple of weeks he came and went looking for work, I was beginning to think he may actually be getting his life together.
Then one night about 2:am there was a violent pounding on the door, that woke the whole house, Jerry told me to grab my gun, there's gonna be trouble.
My kids and wife went into the walk-in closet, we had made it a safe-room years ago when Jerry went a little PCP-crazy and tried to break into the house.
My wife called the police.
I grabbed a couple of guns, one for me, one for Jerry.
I yelled out the door, "Cops have been called, you have 2 minutes to speak your peace".
The man on the other side of the door, yelled back "Jerry, you still owe me, that piece of shit truck of yours is NOT payment in full!"
I said "Jerry, what the fuck is he talking about"
Jerry yelled through the door "Just leave now before the cops get here, I will get you the rest of your money, I'll meet you at...."
His sentence was cut short by the sounds of sirens and he quickly said to me "man I am so, so sorry, I just needed to hang low for a little. I didn't think they would find me this quickly" he gave me a long and strong hug and said almost in a whisper "I am so, sorry, I don't have time to explain. I can't let the cops catch me"
And with that he ran out my back door hopped over the fence and turned left down the alley, where the trash bins are emptied by the association's contracted waste management contractor.
Jerry helped me more than anyone else through the hell of being a teenager,
"best years of your life" my grandparents said.
Bull Fucking Shit,...
anyway, like I said Jerry got me out of my shell, he helped me make and keep friends. He taught me shit that my parents should have, some real basic, like take a shower every day.
But when he went down the path of unknown drugs I had to drop away.
We stayed in touch and shared pieces of our life, when he bought that big 4x4 truck, I was the first person he showed it to.
I fell in love and married an older woman that had three kids, he was the only person in my life that showed any sense of real happiness for me and my new family.
We had a love and a compassion for each other that you see in the movies, when two soldiers escape death several times and they both make it home, alive; and then of course, live happily every after.
Well we had escaped death several times, he saved me more times than I saved him, and we made it to adulthood, me with my family and job and house and school recitals; and him working construction when there was work to be had, and living in an small apartment not too far from my house. The happily ever after part, well, that, I guess that will happen when we are both dead because I have a family to raise and he is still looking for the next high.
One of my three kids is a girl, her name is Jenna, the night she turned 15 years old she wanted to go to a party at the local college, from a fathers perspective the answer is easy "no".
"but why" she pleaded
"YOU DON'T TRUST ME" she screamed
"you are ruining my life, all my friends will be there" with tears in her eyes
"I hate you" as she she stomped down to her room, and slammed the door.
I had learned that going down to try to talk to her would be a waste of time and emotional energy, I figure I finish with my planned night and in the morning, well noon-ish when she woke up, we could talk it out. Somewhere close to midnight after watching a string of those great "B" rated sci-fi films, and after finishing a jigsaw puzzle I headed off to bed.
Jenna must have been waiting to hear the TV go off, because soon there after, as I would later learn, she left the house through the bedroom window. She was headed to the party and her blond hair and tight fitting clothes were attracting all the boys roaming the streets, like a spotlight attracting moths.
She was feeling alive and free, having broken the bondage of her room, she found three escorts to tell her how pretty she is and how stupid her parents are, two of them were within a year of her age and one of them was about 5 years older.
All three of the boys had been partying and were feeling good, the boys did stupid boy-things; yelling loud for no reason, hitting each other, all the primal sexual feelings suppressed by society and learned fear, expressed in ways, that when they look back, they will not believe how dumb they were.
They would do different things to embarrass her, make her blush, make her hit them, the boys would do anything to get her to hit them or better yet kick at their groin. The oldest of the group, Ben, dared her to kick him square in the balls, the group turned silent.
Getting hit there by a girl was like, a rite-of-passage for a teenage boy, but to ask for it, no one had ever dared a that. Ben said "boys, looks like she is all talk, she is just a scared little girl"
Before Jenna could have a verbal comeback the two other boys began egging her on to kick him
"kick him "
'Kick him"
they chanted in unison.
She said "OK, alright, you sure Ben?"
And he stood directly in front of her, spread eagle with a slight stagger, then regained his balance and glared at her in defiance.
She kicked at him, but with a little hesitation, and in that hesitation he stepped into the kick and grabbed her. Pulled her close to and rubbed her body against his hard cock, she tried to get away but he just held tight, grabbing her breasts and her firm rounded ass,
She was squirming around a lot trying to break free from him.
Just as she was breaking free, Ben called to the other boys and said with a voice that cracked "Hold her,.. don't let her get away".
They thinking its all part of the fun did so and the two of them pinned her down to the ground as Ben approached "you think your so hot and beautiful, prancing that bitch ass of yours in front of us, I know what you want, you want a real man"
One of the boys holding Jenna, echoed "a Real Man"
And Ben said "boy's you've been wanting this for a long time lets take a good look at her those tits" and with that he grabbed her shirt and cut it open with a knife and then ever so delicately cut her bra, which then exposed her stomach so firm and smooth and two perfectly tender, perfectly sized breasts.
Jenna was in shock as were the two holding her down. She lay there exposed and vulnerable. She was to scared to scream. Her mind was going a million miles an hour but did not know what to do.
She could feel her heart beating so fast if felt like it was going to explode.
She lay there helpless, wishing she was home,
and then she felt Ben,
grabbing at her breasts
hands traveling down her firm soft body
grabbing at her shorts
She looked up to the boys holding her down, to plead for help, and one of them let go,
but the Ben, punched him in the ear and said "if she gets away, I'm gonna rape you, then slowly cut you into pieces, NOW HOLD HER STILL!!!"
All of a sudden the night turned very sinister and smell of fear and adrenaline was in the air, three of them experiencing pure fear and confusion, and the one in control was feeling very powerful and very aroused.
She closed her eyes trying to escape the horrors by going away,
going away mentally
going away emotionally
"If I don't see it, its really not happening" she said to herself,
"If I don't see it, its really not happening" she said to herself,
"If I don't see it, its really not happening" she said, over and over as if it were a magic chant that would make this end.
And she cried, a silent whimper as Ben touched every part of her body Ben had cut her shorts off,
and pulled his pants down,
then he fell on top of her.
she screamed "No, DONT!!!", ...
But felt nothing, nothing except the dead weight of his body on hers.
Then the two boys let go of her.
The dead weight of Ben was rolled off of her.
She opened her eyes to see Jerry.
He told her, in a very quiet calming voice "it will be OK, let me take you home" and took his shirt off so she could wear it.
Jerry left Ben on the side of the road, told the two boys to go home and and walked Jenna home.
About 3:am My wife and I woke up to a knocking at the door, when I answered the door there stood a girl that had learned a good lesson, instead of being tortured and raped. Jenna came running in and crying uncontrollably to me and then her mom, I invited Jerry in.
After Jenna relayed the story and had cried all the tears she could that night she and her mom went off to bed.
Jerry asked if he could crash here for the rest of the morning, of course I said "yes".
About noon, the household was waking up, and Jerry told me that he happened to be there, at the right place at the right time to save my daughter, because he was cutting through the neighborhood, after his truck was stolen at the local bar. He was drinking away the pain of the job he had just lost. He said he really did not have any place to go, by now he would be locked out of his apartment, because he is 2 days late with the rent money.
So I let him stay with us, and let him use a car so he could find another job, I offered to pay his apartment rent, but he said he could figure that one out. For a couple of weeks he came and went looking for work, I was beginning to think he may actually be getting his life together.
Then one night about 2:am there was a violent pounding on the door, that woke the whole house, Jerry told me to grab my gun, there's gonna be trouble.
My kids and wife went into the walk-in closet, we had made it a safe-room years ago when Jerry went a little PCP-crazy and tried to break into the house.
My wife called the police.
I grabbed a couple of guns, one for me, one for Jerry.
I yelled out the door, "Cops have been called, you have 2 minutes to speak your peace".
The man on the other side of the door, yelled back "Jerry, you still owe me, that piece of shit truck of yours is NOT payment in full!"
I said "Jerry, what the fuck is he talking about"
Jerry yelled through the door "Just leave now before the cops get here, I will get you the rest of your money, I'll meet you at...."
His sentence was cut short by the sounds of sirens and he quickly said to me "man I am so, so sorry, I just needed to hang low for a little. I didn't think they would find me this quickly" he gave me a long and strong hug and said almost in a whisper "I am so, sorry, I don't have time to explain. I can't let the cops catch me"
And with that he ran out my back door hopped over the fence and turned left down the alley, where the trash bins are emptied by the association's contracted waste management contractor.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)