10 ( play the same track)

so full of thought
so full of conversation that
that will never happen

and even now, 

now that I am calm

in front of paper and pen and ready to write.

the next conversation plays in my head

the one that I know wont go the way my thoughts are playing it

and yet the tape keeps on looping, 

like an 8-track that has no end

my mind plays the same tape

no edits

no talk overs

no impromptus

oh the torment.

for I know the conversation will not go the way my tape is playing  it

my track laid down 

time soon, to go to press

replayed it in my mind so many times 

I

sometimes

Actually believe

this time

this time

my mind laid the track down so well that

the conversation will go down as fantasized

and this time the live performance will be

sublime

flawless

and well timed

but

I know

when I go live

I will make edits, .. on the spot

and be totally unprepared, 

a conversation takes two

and even with my crazy split mind

i am still just one person 

and have just replayed

the same conversation in my mind so many times

and in the studio of my mind

i play the same track

again,

and again

and again 

and again

going live my fantasy crashes into the other persons reality

and I get lost

and my view is not heard

and i am not validated

and I walk away sometimes confused

weak

dejected

and always walk away asking myself "how can I do better next time"

but next time it is again

a one sided conversation

and in the studio of my mind, 

i will play the same track

again,

and again

and again 

and again

9 ( sync)

and the extremes have taken over
and my friend has lost control

my friend was doing so well
working
saving a little
learning
exploring what life has to offer

and the chemicals get out of sync

and the thoughts sink deep 

deep into an abyss 

deeper than the deepest hole at the bottom of the sea

the whole person becomes a shell

like a clam ripped open the meat eaten

hollow

nothing inside

what people see as smooth and clean

in reality is where the soul and self used to be.

now, the self is clinging to the dark side

bacteria and barnacles

a crusty roughness

which has many hiding places.

hiding from the light

on the murky bottom of the sea

so hidden no one can really see

how loud his plea

to be free

free from the chemicals out of sync

8 ( good life)

And the monster has been good

Playing by the rules

staying in its own lane

coloring inside the lines

and the host is doing okay

keeping things under control

staying balanced

so why then the thoughts of self harm?

life is better, ..... but

more happy than not , ..... but

have people in my life , ..... but

spirit is strong , ..... but

why is there always a "BUT"!!!

why not accept 

accept the good life.

"good life"

That's a funny phrase

this all encompassing vagueness

that everyone seems to be striving for

even those that are waiting around to go to heaven

are looking for the good life

good life

some people say

"he has a good life"

but, ...

Can anyone really have a good life?

All the problems

all the stress

all the misunderstandings

and the thoughts that bombard

and the feelings that start,..

and the monster gains some strength

and the monster starts to color outside the lines.

almost imperceptible to the host, that slightest defiance of the monster.

But, .... life is better when the monster is controlled

but,  ...  People in my life help  me control the monster

but,.... my spirit is strong and now sees the monster is trying, again

but, this time I see it before the monster gets to strong

and, this time I see 

the good in my life, before the monster tries to destroy it.

win lose

Life is not win lose

"You have nothing to gain from telling my mom" said the teen.

I did not see it at the time, but i think, he thinks, life adds up to zero.

Winners and losers, add em all up andyou have nothing.

Matter and antimatter add em all up, before the big bang, and you have nothing.

Yet after the big bang, you have something.

There is more than the sum of the parts.

How do i communicate that to a teenager?

7 ( New Self)

 and Change take time
and we still have our PAST that may, yet, catch up with us

but more than our past,...

we have our habits

our "go to"

our "normal"

our "tendency"

our "second nature"

so entrenched in our being, 

change is hard because we, in the moment, forget we are changing 

and resort back to 'old ways'

no matter how destructive our brain tell us,  our old ways are

it is our core

that was created long ago, that does NOT listen to reason.

So today we still have

our tendencies

 our way 

our addiction to the way it used to be

and although we are changing

and want to change

and see accomplishment in the change

we struggle to make the change

our new "go to"

our new "normal"

our new "second nature"

our

our 

our,....    New Self

6 ( Death is bored)

 Death is getting bored,

a disease here

Car accident there

war overseas

And pandemic across the world

Ohhhh the monotony of grief

societal rituals

death wants a break

a change

Sad for Death, there is no death for the grim reaper

All the experience 

knowledge

methods

emotions

death has

and yet no one to pass it on to 

no apprentice to teach

no vacation

no sick days

ohhh the horror of such an existence

Imagine,.... at the same time, same instant in different parts of the world

needing to end the suffering of someone dying of cancer

and

take a teenage that was doing no wrong, coming home from a date, and let the kid be slaughtered by a drunk driver.

Living in the extremes for so long

must get,...

Pretty boring.

5 ( out of reach)

and the vision so crystal clear, 
the path obvious
I have the skill
People in my life agree, I should be able to 
Achieve
Accomplish
Reach
and touch

touch the good life
reach financial success
grab the golden ring.
get to the summit of my success.

Yet life seems to conspire against me and

the

the one step forward followed by two steps back, 

makes it hard.

go forward, 

push back

get ahead, 

and then a car breaks down.

get a new bed,

and your dog throws up in it,

new opportunity

does not pan out

pay off a debt

lose some income.

enough money

but not more than enough

not enough to really make a difference in someone's life

not enough to really not worry about paying bills and balancing the checkbook.

looks like more than enough will be just out of reach and will always be untouchable.

4 ( someone I know)

 Someone I know is not well or has a problem,   

the details of which, to you, is not important

And the many people

this person touches

all feel and think the same things

"be well"

"get well"

"you are not alone"

"how can I help"

and the many people, play the same thoughts in their head, over and over and over and over 

and the many people talk to others

and feel

and seek guidance

and seek insight

and pray

for the someone I know, that has also touched their lives

so much time and energy combined

so much goodwill towards fellow man

so much positive thoughts and feelings

One wonders how can the recipient of such 

energy

time

thoughts

feelings

prayers

how can the person I know have ANY problems?

"If two of you agree on earth about anything,...... It will be done"

Maybe that is THE problem

maybe it takes only two, not a whole village

maybe to many people care

maybe to many people have to many thoughts

maybe to many people have to much compassion 

maybe the to many, have to much loyalty

and yet, i still do not understand the "why" of life

feeling helpless, I am, 

so, 

so,.. 

I play the thoughts in my head over and over and over and over and over

offer my energy

say to the person "be well"

offer my emotion 

say "get well"

offer my time

say "you are not alone"

offer my prayers

say "how can I help"

All of this and more is for someone I know that is not well or has a problem.

stress of commitment

And the stress of commitment.

And the frustration of time.

And the many excuses that flood my mind!

And the many poems that have already been sent.

But the Temptation, to use old work, feels like it is heaven sent.

I think to my self, " they wont know if i re-use some past work"

But I would know

Know its old work,

And my responsibility i cannot shirk.

I am not some Mcdonalds clerk,

That can re-use the same old work.

That would be a wast of my time rhyming lines already defined.

Rhymes that have already past their prime,

Have no place in our time.

I am better than that

And accept the fact

That this second act

Will be new and different

And embrace the stress of my commitment.

to help me

And the futility of trying becomes clear

Crystal clear

So obvious to me 

I do not understand how those people that say "i love you" to me,

Cant see what they are doing to me

And the words so tried-and-true, others say to me

Are no help,  because they too are helpless.

Helpless

To help me.