step forward

one step forward is huge

The pre-toddler works out for months before he or she takes their first step

laying on their stomach arching their back like their flying

bouncing while holding your hands,

holding on to furniture to just stand there

it takes work and dedication and time.

one step forward is huge

for an adult it means that the three things that knocked you down are neutralized

and after getting through the shit you took another step

so you really took four steps to get to one step forward.

it takes work and dedication and time.

I see that the lost one takes a step forward

a small step but a forward step,

outsiders see chaos and misdirection

but when asked the lost one says

"but I think, I took a step forward"

Others will say:

but what if it doesnt work

but what if this

and what if that

the lost one feels confused, diswayed

but using me to hold his ground he says

"I took a step forward"

"a small step but a forward step "

Others say

there are needs you are not taking care of

I need you to do this

you need to to that

and the lost one stumbles a bit

feeling insecure and unsure

then I tell the lost one that

"I took a step forward"

"a small step, but a step forward"

"and I KNOW what my next step will be"

The lost one leaning against me tells the needy others

"I know you need, but I took a step forward

"a small step, but a step forward"

"and I think I know what my next step should be"

The others say

don't forget what you used to say

don't forget our need

don't forget about this

don't forget about that

and the lost one feels overwhelmed and broken.,,,,

and I tell the lost one that I have not yet been able to take my second step YET,

but i know it is the right step, and i am close to being able to take it.

and the lost one resists the needy,

and in doing so resists the forced mediocrity of following the others

and he says proudly with chest out and head held high

"I took a step forward"

"a small step but a forward step "

"and it was ME that took that step"

"and I KNOW what my next step will be"

6:30pm

I sitting in a room full of hard core spiritualists

you know

contact people from the other side

Near death experiences

seances

tea leafs

crystal balls

tarot cards

oui ja boards

I ended up here because I thought a woman that I thought was pretty asked me what time is it.

small talk pursued

and smiles

and her curling her hair with her finger

and her touching my arm when she laughed

and trading phone numbers

the first date was at my favorite restaurant

the date ended with chivalry and chastity

and a promise for another date

next Saturday she said

I said yes.

next day I shot her a text

suggested a movie or a play

she responded back "I'll pick the place"

just be at my apartment at 6:30pm

during the week I tried to get her to tell me what she had planned

and her reply was always the same

"you will enjoy yourself" be at my apartment at 6:30pm

I tried the ploy of "what should I wear?" formal, casual, BBQ?

she said anything comfortable

"you will enjoy yourself" be at my apartment at 6:30pm

so Saturday night finally gets here

I as instructed am ringing her door bell at 6:30pm

she invites me into her apartment

Only a few small lights are on

there are a few candles lit here and there

mellow music was playing

There was wine breathing in two glasses

and a fragrant incense burning

she is looking very beautiful in the romantic light of a flickering candle as we sip wine and eat some cheese and crackers she had set out before my arrival.

then a knock at the door, she says "come in" and a herd of people come rolling in through the door, loud chatter,

"ohhhh hi"

"so your her new man"

"your apartment looks great, I love the painting technique on the walls"

and so i find myself in a room full of people that want to talk to the dead.

I don't dis-believe, but I don't really want to spend my Saturday night with these people.

I was looking for relationship, camaraderie, life partner, love.

My mind was racing on how to get out of this, I did like the woman, so I wanted to see if we had something, so I did not want to be leave now and ruin my chances.

my thoughts were broken by someone asking me to ask the OuiJa board something.

I think to myself, this is so not me, and what a waste of time.

but after much thought and some push back from the group I came on the question:

"what should I do with my life?"

and in the background was some freak humming

and tea leaves being read

and the woman that I thought was beautiful was in this trance like state with her hand on the Planchette

I reluctantly do the same as do two others

then some says "the question has been asked, oh spirits in this room please guide this lost soul"

The planchette starts to move around randomly then stops on a letter, then randomly moves and stops on another letter, a fifth person is watching and recording the letters as it stops.

I am expecting some mumbo jumble of letters, that I am then to make into words, but I pay no attention to the letters i just am along for the ride waiting for this horrible night to be over.

Then the planchette moves off the board, and the person that started this spoke and said "wheh that was good, I really felt a strong spirit" and looks up to the fifth person and asks him to hand to me my answer.

I look at the piece of paper and saw what look like a jumble of letters, but then it became very clear to me the message.

the message was" Go find someone who likes what you like"

and with that I left her apartment

no "s"

Our time together long, began at 18 and endured through graduating college and beyond.

mom and dad thought marriage

we did not need any paper to proclaim our undying affection and love.

from dorm to apartment,.. to our very own home, we knew we were made for each other.

change, confrontation, and turmoil, all handled like mom and dad - together.

I,.. confident in our love,

and with my faith well-founded in you

you told me to invite him to that one party,

you told me you liked him

you thought he could become the loving brother I never had.

I allowed him in,

I welcomed him,

I did need him,

another man to talk with

a friend to go to the bar with

he became my confidant,

and, ... he did,... become the loving brother I never had,....

N O W,...

melancholy full

feeling down,

like a bolder falling from a cliff creating an avalanche of pain

on the journey to the bottom.

my woe exhaled in every breath

I,... now alone in the middle of nowhere,... on a night with no moon, with only a fire to talk to.

the agony burned into me like the knife I pull from the blazing fire

and touch it to my tattooed arm where your name reminded me ,..of my love for you.

the charring will deform, and defile. but will be nothing compared to the torture you have inflicted upon my heart,

the growing boil upon my arm will be beautiful compared to the thought of you with him.

and the man that I loved like a brother, ....the man that took you away from our home,......

he became the knife that burned me.

private and public me

And why do I even bother,

damaged and beyond repair,

I had my chance but had the wrong people.

why do damaged people seek damaged people?

I have no focus

no desire

no reason to wake up

so I wander through the days doing what I am told is most urgent

no plan

no mission

no goals

just doing

outsiders think I get a lot done

think I lead my life

think i achieved my goals

think sometimes that i am wonderful

think i am a good man.

but my private self thinks the opposite

thinks I am lazy

thinks i am selfish

thinks I am uncaring

thinks I wander through life, certainly no lead it.

I waste so much time doing nothing there are no words or pictures to describe it.

My private self doesn't think I'm a sociopath

I care a little bit,

I don't set out to use people

but sometimes I do use people,

so maybe I am a sociopath

and then someone tells me,

"thanks for talking with me yesterday, I really needed that"

and another person said

"I took your advice, and I feel better than I have in years"

and another person said

"God has given you a gift, thank you for being part of my life"

so Maybe i am not a sociopath,

maybe I am just confused and lost,

and then I met a man that said

"we are not as bad as our private self, nor are we as good as our public self"

the private me sees a lazy looser

the public me portrays a confident helping soul

I wonder what the truth really is?