Pepsi or Coke?

"Pepsi or Coke?" I say to the waitress, knowing the restaurant will have one or the other but not both.

she says, "Coke"
I say "fine".

I am a Pepsi drinker in a town full of Coke,
this adds a little more water to the levee that holds together my decrepit life.

The loneliness in my soul is a crushing weight,
the total lack of  human touch is inhumane
the friendly bumps
the manly pats
the best friend hugs
the lovers touch
now all a distant memory

I am the window that shows a sunshine filled day, but on the other side of the pane
is the bitter cold of the coldest day of the year.

I am the deceiver
deceiver of I'm OK
deceiver of happy life
deceiver of sunshine filled day,

then a chance encounter
handshake only
look into eyes, and talk
talk of safe things
talk of family
talk of comedy
no sadness
no tears
no sharing of real emotions

just talk to talk
talk to pass time
talk because
because we are human and need to talk.

but we are human and we need to share feelings too.

the loneliness so overwhelming there is
no end
no middle
no fresh start

there is just push on
another day
another empty night

no one to share secrets with
no one to share fears
no one to share lonely times

Loneliness so profound
It must be what the last dinosaur felt
last of his kind
no hope for the future
the end of an era.

waves of grief and pain mix with anxiety and push
push hard,
crushing my chest
crushing my will
crushing the sunshine filled day.

This beautiful sunshine filled day calls everyone to enjoy,
and I on the patio of this restaurant,

I sit alone
alone drinking Coke,

when all I really want to do
is to share
Share a  Pepsi.

some future

Imagine if you will a traveler in a car, he is headed for his next destination, his trunk is full of all the stuff in his life, all those thing you take with you from apartment to apartment, couch to couch, hoping at some point you can put the things you carry in your own place, a place known as home.

He is on a deserted road the land is flat, he can see for miles, and what he sees is nothing,, an abandoned shack here an unused telephone pole there, a road-sign full of bullet holes, no life, no people.

Then he gets a flat tire, and stops his car on the side of  the road.  Looking in all directions he can see where the earth curves down into nothingness. His cell phone has no signal, it is early evening, he does not know how to change the tire and there is no owners manual in the glove box.

He has seen the TV shows where they make getting a flat tire funny, and the shows where they make it horrific.  He knows the truth is somewhere in the middle, so he begins.  Not knowing exactly where to begin he starts by opening the trunk.

His trunk full of all that he keeps because it is important. He begins to empty out.
A small wooden shelf he made when he was 13 yrs old - he keeps because someday he can hang it on the wall for some future partner to dust.  
His "finger chopping" magic trick, he keeps so he can teach some future child how to do magic for their friends like he did for his friends.
A picture of him when was 10 with his first dog, he keeps for some future time when he can look back.
His teddy bear he had since he was 7, it has been with him through all the hard times, and is still hugged on now and then he keeps for when he needs some future hug and no one is there.
And of  course a few bags of necessities clothes, shoes, important papers, hats, belts and a couple of ties.

His trunk now empty he looks for the hidden compartments that hold the tire and the tools. Finding everything was not that hard, but how to use the jack and what do you do first takes some time to figure out.

After an hour or so he finally figures out how to do each step and in which order to do it.  It is now dusk, that dark of the day that pretends it is light.

He gets the old tire off and then sits on the ground legs straight out and begins to put the spare on, he did not notice the very slow movement of the car, the dark of day tricked him into thinking tire changing can be a comedy, when the car softly landed on the ground it trapped his leg crushing it into the sandy soil he realized tire changing can be horrific.

Trapped not able to move, on a deserted road, he can see everything he kept because it was important, but can't reach any of it, nor touch the tools to save his own life.

The initial pain subsided by the shock, it is the loneliness that hurts the most, no one to help and even his teddy bear can make him feel better now.

It will be days before he learns his fate, and maybe it is better that he dies alone,
because if he survives, the amputated leg will be a constant reminder of how alone,
utterly soul crushing alone
he really is

and with trauma like that how is he to have some future?

Four dollars

And the pants looked good enough clean enough when I left the second hand store and my peoples commented positively

One dude said "cool, great find"

Another offered be four dollars more than I  paid for them.

And one girl said they are pretty, we all laughed at that one. I said pretty is for girls, you can say good looking or handsome for guys.

She slightly embarrased, stuck her ground and for the rest of the night called my pants pretty. I'm sure years from now we will call these my pretty pants.

But now,

Now I am standing in line at the grocery store..

And i reach into my pocket for my cash to pay.

Within the last hour, I put my last four dollars I have to last me till my last paycheck arrives one week and one day away, lucky me, I was the last employee to be let go.

But within the last four when I left home I folded the last few bills  with creativity so when I pull them out they seem like alot more than they really are, like people on a diet use plate size to trick themselves, or women on welfare with a fake purse and glass diamond ring. 

 Hungry I am, in the store buying top ramen

Top  Ramen the filler of empty stomachs 

Top Ramen that foundation to a meatless meal 

Top Ramen with some frozen vegetables is somewhat nutritious and definitely filling. 

 So in line I am with my two dollars worth of ramen, reach into my new, permanently named pretty pantots  pull out the imitation wad of singles, I so creatively folded a few hours ago.

 And I dig deep feeling for the last bit of money that will last me until my last paycheck arrives, and alass I find nothing but the hair on my leg and the hem of my last clean pair of underwear. 

 A hole in my pocket of the presumably new pretty pants plunges me to a predicament having lost the ability to pay for one week and one days worth of ramen.

Feeling a failure and deeply embarrassed, somewhat confused  and dejected

I look around for a solution,  

a plausable excuse for not having even two dollars.

the sweat now pouring from my brow

I dont know what to do

Dont know where to turn

As the person behind me buying his filet mignon and wine exhales in what is probably only impatience on his part

But I

I feel his one exhale to be an 

Exhale of disgust

Exhale of intollerence 

Exhales in pity 

I wish I could exhale, breath again so I am not frozen helplessly embarrassed and afraid.

I am frozen in a moment of panic.

All over my loss of my lousy last four fucking dollars.

I walk out of the store with no food and no four dollars.

Man up

and the boy,
did not know what to do..
so he let his body shake
he let the tears and snot empty his mind and he lost control

lost control of his senses
lost control of his thoughts
lost control and let his emotions be free

he in absolute emotional crisis was a blank slate,
 ready to take any advice
ready to gain control but did not know how,

he did not know what to do

and his dog equally upset, tried to console, but only made things worse

his dad hearing the whaling from the boy and the barking from his dog

 comes into the room, and sees his son in such a chaotic state,
It takes him a few minutes to figure out what has happened,
the boys tears and snot muffled his words
the dogs continual barking and whining adds to the fear
adds to the confusion
adds to the powerlessness


the parent shoos the boys dog out of the room.
and then not knowing what to do, the dad, takes parenting advice from the media, gives the boy advice that will set the boy on a path of destruction.

the dad tells this little boy, with emotions run rampant
this sensitive, intuitive, boy bound for greatness

this boy in a vulnerable state
ready to gain control but not knowing how.


the dad tells this boy
"don't let them get to you,"
"push your emotions down"
and he says it,
without a hug,
without a consoling phrase
without a word of compassion

the message is delivered.both by words and example.." push your emotions down"

and the boy open,
vulnerable and desperately needing affection,
but with no one in the room to give it.

the boy inhales the words, deep into his core,

and  the little boy tired of feeling
feeling scared
feeling alone
and most of all..
feeling unloved
did push his emotions down.

a year later,
one afternoon,
the boy was told by his dad that the family was going out to dinner,
the boy asks " where is my dog?"
his dad said, "..as you know she was getting really sick, we had to put her to sleep today."  the dad continued
"we are leaving for the restaurant in 15 minutes."

this dog was the boys confidant,
pulled him on his skateboard

this dog was the boy's best friend
she consoled him when he couldn't push the emotions down
she loved him.
and he loved her,...

the boy went upstairs to get into different clothes, and with less than 15 minutes,
there was no time for grief
there was no time for sorrow
there was no time for emotions
the past year in training of pushing emotions down has now paid off,

the boy was ready in 15 minutes and no discussion of the dog was ever had.
no tears were shed
no sorrow expressed
no longing to pet her,....

she will never kiss his face, again ,....

and there was, not any talk of  emptiness felt with her gone.

with no emotions there is no reason to talk

With no emotions     There    is           just             silence

Lost Youth

And so many years of life have passed me by
kids
grandkids
our favorite house that we had to leave behind
the tattoo one for each child as they were born
the time we could not afford a new starter for that old bus
so I had to push start it for two weeks, till we could get it fixed.

The many family get togethers
the little ones stick-fighting with thier uncle.

and now our first born grandchild is ending high school

We have told him of many stories from his childhood, those memories must  be embedded  deep into his core.

and this christmas he is old enough to hear some of his aunt's and uncle's childhood stories, those things we laugh about only because they survived.

sneaking out of windows
taking cars without permission
caught out after curfew

and then he shares some of his tamer escapades,
knowing full well he is still young enough to get stern words from his parents.

and we laugh
and we gasp

and then he turns to me and says what did you do as a kid?

the question took me by surprise and I could not recall.
not recall a single thing from my childhood
.
It has been so many years ago
so many sleepless nights ago
so many stressfull times ago

so many memories have come and gone
raising the kids
struggles at work

I almost forgot
forgot that I even had a childhood.

and afterwards I thought
thought long and hard for any recall
any story.

I wondered if there was anything left of my youth
or had it all been wiped out like a sand castle at high tide.

and sadness hung over me
a sadness to think, that my foundation of life is lost

lost forever,
not to be shared
no one to pass the experience to.

those things of my youth will die with me,
causing no laughter, no gasps.

they die with me here and now.

a few days of depression went by and then my grandson said comeover over for dinner.

after dinner he pulled out the home-made DVD's.
and we watch
and we laugh
and I gave him the missing pieces, those things that the DVD can't explain.
like why he called airplanes "biggie"
and what did "pink" mean when he said it at the circus

and then he asks "do you have any DVD's from when you were a kid?"

And I say  "no.   We did not have DVD's when I was a kid"

and then he asked "well were there pictures when you were a kid or was a camera not yet invented?"

I laught to myself, and then say "I am not older than the invention of the camera"

and then it hit me, I said, "hey hop into the car I need your help at my house."

the 10 minute drive went by with him asking 100 times what was so important.

and I said, you'll see, when we got to the house,

and I told him there are five or six small boxes, you've got to find them for me,

Let me pull down this latter

My youth is spread across some pictures in the attic.

Please hurry climb up and find those boxes.