my life is normal

my life is normal

i have a mom and a dad that have never lived together

my dad married a new wife, when I was little

and now I have baby sister,

my life is normal

I have two moms and one dad

I get along with my little sister

and now I have a baby brother

so,.. when I'm there its 3 girls to 2 boys

Girls Rule!

I will be 9 in a few months

so at my dad's I get to have birthday cake fiiiivvvee times every year.

my life is normal

I have different rules to follow when I am at my mom's than when I am at my dad's

just like there are rules for when you are at school like (stay in line) that are different from rules on the field trip to the children's museum (go explore, touch everything)

there are rules for when you are in the house, like (USE YOUR indoor voice) then when your outside you can talk normal

just like rules when you talk to adults are different then when you are are playing with your friends.

i have different rules when I am with my mom than when I am with my dad and other mom.

with my mom we have lots of secrets we can't tell my dad,

when I keep those secrets I feel special and important and I need to protect my mom

but with my dad and other-mom, . . . they never tell me to keep secrets

and I feel confused and guilty for keeping secrets

but, my life is normal

I am still in the first grade because I missed so many days of school

at my mom's each week there is a different uncle that visits

sometimes they play too loud all night long and sometimes they get into fights that last all night so,....I don't always get a lot of sleep and can't wake up in time for the bus to school.

the first 10 times I missed the bus I tried waking my mom to tell her so she could drive me to school

but since my mom has been up all night also she can't help me

so,...its really my fault I don't get to the bus stop, no matter how tired i am i really should get to the bus stop

my life is normal

when I go to my dad's

The first thing I have to do is take a bath, my other-mom washes my hair and we talk about the plans for the next few days, and sometimes I splash her with water and she splashes me back, . . . . . . . . once we splashed each other so much the water got on the carpet in the hallway.

I like the way I feel after a bath, my hair feels nice and soft, and the slight scent of soap on my skin, its like i am alive again and have no worries. and can do anything.

I like it when my other-mom brushes my hair as I sit in her lap, and

I really like the hugs and kisses from them both.

my life is normal

when I am at my dad's house they go outside to smoke cigarettes.

when I am at my mom's house she smokes inside the house and when the uncles are there

they smoke out of this big plastic thing that makes a gurgling sound, they sometimes cough and then laugh as they wipe a tear from their eyes,

then some times I see them in the living room putting their head close to the coffee table then sit up, I think they have the sniffles and are sucking it in ,. . . . .

Thats GROSS !

they should use a tissue like my other-mom tells ME to do.

A few weeks ago when we had that earthquake,

they let us out school early and when I got home my mom didn't know so she just slept through me knocking at the door. . . .

Its OK i know she gets tired . .

so,.. I went to my neighbor, they couldnt wake her either. so i just sat on the door step for, i guess 3 hours before she was able to wake up and let me in.

my life is Now NOT normal

for the past few months there's been an adult-my mom doesn't like-asking me and my teachers all sorts of questions, and my two moms stop talking as soon as i come into the room.

I must be in really BIG trouble so I try to be extra good.

I keep mom's secrets

Make it to the bus on time

do my school work and home work

am extra nice to my little sister

I don't know yet what id did wrong but it feels like it must be something really really bad.

my life is Still not normal

my dad and other-mom just told me that "A woman thats a judge helps adults make decisions that in the best interest of the child"

before I could ask "what does THAT mean?" they said that the judge decided i should live with them and not my mom.

then they tell me

I don't need to keep secrets,...

and I'll have a bed time,...

and I'll go to school everyday,...

and I don't have to take care of my mom,...

and that they will take care of me,...

and then I begin to cry,

uncontrollable sobbing and tears stream down my face

but I don't know why I'm crying but I just cant stop

Picasso

I sit in my room packed full of my stuff
my treasures
my memories
my words
my addictions
my desires
my unfinished
my books (owned and borrowed)
my very being

and I reflect on all the good I have done
and I regret all the bad I have done

I feel proud of my accomplishments
tactful agility of my words
confident in my thoughts,
I embrace my emotions
I rely on my perceptions

proud of my kids and their accomplishments

Tears of pure humbleness fill my eyes when they say, "I did not know what to do,....and I asked myself, what would You do"

After so many years of marriage, we are still symbiotic catalysts for each other,
Happy,
such a simple word, but so very real for us.

and with all that is good in my life,
there is this haunting
this, this,.. this, THING that taunts me
that stalks me
and I know I'm not the only one.

I and others are compelled to its control
Those not afflicted, think my actions are just on the other side of insanity.

If it does not get its required attentions, evil is unleashed in many many forms.

I have friends, that are mesmerizer by it, like a moth at night-to-a-light turned on inside a house, hitting up against a window again, and again, and again and again, trying desperately to get to the light, but just doesn't understand that they can't ever really get to it.

The light mocks their attempts to be satisfied, as does the THING.

It aggravates us.

This thing can be satisfied, as water prevents dehydration and death, but only if you drink every three days.

and on that third day without it we feel
anxious
tense
depressed
suicidal
selfish

selfish that is the greatest irony of this thing, it is most selfish,
it demands attention
it is never satisfied
it is never happy
it is always longing for more
it is cold and heartless


the musician knows it
the painter knows it
the sculptor has his own version
and the writer knows it

the insidious thing, to the outsider is nothing it is blank, null, void, meaningless

and that is an even greater irony than its selfishness, what appears to be nothing is actually to the select few, a taunting insanity can never fully be satisfied, once filled it magically becomes empty again and needs to be filled once more.

this

THING

is

a blank piece of paper,

an empty canvas,

a stone not yet brought to life,

and as soon as life is breathed into it, there is another

blank piece of paper,

empty canvas or

stone , calling, taunting demanding to be brought to life

and once it has life there is another

poem to write

painting to paint

sculpture to break free from the rocks.

p.s.

I call this Picasso, because at the Picasso Exhibit there was one of his paintings;

it was of a room full of color and paintings and curtains, and just off center of the room

on an easel

was a blank canvas

calling

haunting

demanding to be filled

center of the world

Oblivious.

The person not holding me

keeps me in the dark

I seeing no light, although I still see waves of energy, while waiting to come to life.

my need to be touched and held and looked at, 

all ignored

I am the center of the world for moments, sometimes hours, and then darkness.

the person NOT holding me is engrossed in other things

in conversation with other people

in telling jokes

in listening

I plea for attention, hoping for a touch, a look, to be held, 

but like one stranded on a desert island seeing a plane that does not see him

I am ignored

feeling abandoned

feeling alone.

I hear the person laughing, and touching others with me so close, I am not even though of..

so I scream as loud as I can 

NOTICE ME

TOUCH ME

FEEL ME

but the screams are ignored, 

I the center of the world must wait

wait in the dark

wait for a wave of energy that will bring me out of the darkness again

energy that will make me feel the touch, make me feel important.

I have one trick, that always works, that special call I can do

the call that tells him, he is in love

the sound that makes him stop what he is doing.

the sound that makes him hold me

makes me again the center of the universe

and here it comes that special ring-tone, that can break through the noise of the loudest bar

and soon he is touching me

caressing me 

massaging me

and I shine for him

remind him how important I am, 

as he reads my face he know what he must do, 

plz on ur way hm, get hotdogs, chips, soda and B hm Soooon kids are goin %-)