and the weeks, have turned to months,
the normal excuses bombard
too hot
too cold
too much rain
not enough rain
and I succumb to the fantasy that something else really matters
and I feel day by day my core becoming a blob a mass of flesh rotting
or at the very least waiting to rot - off my bones as I turn into nothingness
Despair and Depression are the only thing that is real,
house a mess
kitchen full of dishes
lawn needs cut
car awfully dirty
but at least I took a shower today.
it is those little accomplishments that keep me going
a shower today, so today people will not wince at my stench
today I can walk knowing as I pass by people they are not talking about the cloud of odor that follows me.
today I don't have thoughts so full of death and despair
today I feel good enough to give my dog a pat on the head, for which he is ever so grateful.
today I see the sun is shining
because today is a successful day, I set a goal; to take a shower. And I did.
so that is the first hour of the day and it was good.
The start of the second hour of the day I make it out of the house not seeing the dirty dishes in the sink, the carpet that has not been vacuumed in 8 months, the ashtray overflowing and spilling on to the coffee table and on to the floor.
I made it out of the house and saw the sunshine and it felt good against my now clean skin.
Knowing the mess my car is both inside and out, I decide to walk to the bus stop to go to the store. The graffitti and grim and bums and homeless at the bus stop is a much happier place than the inside of my car.
On the bus and someone actually sits next to me, and begins conversation. .... light, casual, meaningless dribble that people do when they sit next to strangers and the stranger does not stink so bad they fear puking.
at the start of the third hour
I leave the bus and go to the store, I know the food in my house is old and moldy or freezer burned and horrible tasting, so I take my few dollars and a shopping cart and in that big clean, brightly lit, well air-conditioned super market, and I wander, looking at the cereal, and the ice cream and the bakery section, the ethnic food section, and I pick up items look at the price closely and say - it may spoil on the way back home- and put the item down.
I only have a few dollars for groceries, and seeing those around me with shopping carts filled to the brim and overflowing, I wonder what that must feel like to have a grocery cart full of food that you will take home and eat..... To eat it you must cook, to cook you must clean, and I,... I have pots and pans and plates all of which are in the kitchen sink smelly, slimy, moldy.
Why don't they have a kitchen sink full of mold, I wonder to myself, and then I remember the item on top of the pile of dishes in my sink is a frying pan, that gives me the clue of what I need to buy.
Corn chips in the bag cost almost 6 dollars, but corn tortillas cost 2 and oil cost 2, of which I can make bags and bags of corn chips because I already have the salt.
At the start of the fourth hour of the day, I get on the bus with my tripple bagged groceries, the $15 spent fits very nicely in one bag-- actually it takes up less than half the bag but I asked the store clerk to put the plastic bag in another plastic bag, and that double-bagged bundle into a third - I did not want to take any chances.
There was a homeless teen on the bus, you know them, raggy clothes, snot dripping from their nose, scars on their arms - they hate their life and try to run away from it, but you are always stuck with yourself where ever you are.
At the start of the fifth hour of the day I walk into my house and think, I really should:
wash the dishes
vacuum the floor
clean the bathrooms
clean the dogpoop from the yard
wash my car
clean the inside of it out
wash some clothes
empty that ashtray.
Overwhelmed I go to my clothes strewn room, slip into the sheets which were recently washed 3 months ago, and pet my dog. The room is dark so I can't see the mess I am, and my dog likes me, so I must be OK. I fall asleep.
At the start of the 16th hour of the day I awaken ready to change my life, I get out of my room go into the kitchen and wash the frying pan, a bowl, a knife, a spoon and the cutting board -- all that I need to fry some corn chips for dinner, with a side of cottage cheese.
Today was a good day I washed five items, but somehow my sink is still piled high with dirty dishes and I have nothing clean.
