the hard normally uncomfortable chairs that makes my back and ass hurt with equal intensity, created to look inviting, inviting enough to have a coffee and look out over the book store, but designed to be just comfortable for 5 minutes after which you feet fall asleep.
But tonight, I feel none of that.
I feel nothing.
The young beautiful people with there perfectly smooth skin and beautiful teeth just inside those desirable lips, and wonderfully rounded body parts, sometimes they show just enough of their firm flat stomachs by taking a long stretch while arching their back, reaching their arms high in the sky which leads to fantasies of the unmentionable pleasure felt when there is skin on skin.
but tonight, no one evokes such feelings.
I feel nothing.
Reading about and seeing pictures of exotic cars and the frustration of the present with the overwhelming regret of past choices that force me into fantasy for escape (like winning the lottery) and the sorrow so overwhelming that I would normally take a big swig of the too hot, too bitter coffee just to focus on the physical pain instead of the mental anguish of the present, so I can forget just for a moment how life really sucks.
but tonight, I feel none of that.
I feel nothing.
flipping through the art magazines, seeing in incredible creativity, and sometimes the anger, and fear, and lust, but more times than not feeling confused, and a longing for talent, and a regret that is a hole in my core, for not having talent like that.
but tonight, I feel no envy.
I feel nothing.
A group of teenagers harass me as I go to my car, one boy steals another boys hat and offers it to me, another stands in front of me and put is on my head, and asks for 20 bucks. The disgust mix with fear and frustration, usually caused intelligible words to come out, it doesn't matter the kids call me names and give me a little shove, then take the hat back, seems I got the worst of the deal,
but tonight there is no rush of adrenalin, no self talk of "I should have"
I feel nothing.
