9

And the teen boy in his last year of that title
Tries to be adult, well more adult

And the early mistakes will grow him into the adult he will be
And where he is now is where he will be from
And memories of this time will be looked back on

And the tears and fears of today will seem like nothing

And the 3 yr old screaming in the grocery store is felt as embarrassment to the parent but to the child it is the end of his life

So will the decisions made today on his last year of teenage boy

8

And she just does not understand

She has pressure, i vet jt a s i listen and i solve
And i fix compiters
And i clean the kitchen
And i move apploances
And i work to make extra mo ey

And i fight my own demons
And hide my i securities
And stuff my fristratioms

And try to plan for so.e sort of fucking future
But her wants are mother fucking endless and everythi g is a out her
And then the mood sets in so what the fuck
Fuck you and your emotions, petty selfish bitch

I am all alone and drowning and no o e can see that.

I a. All alone and have no o e i can call, to talk to,

I am all alone and afraid of fucking everything and everyone.

All alone and no one sees.

All alone and taken for granted

All alone.


All alone

All alone

With people in my life that rely on me.

All alone with people that look up to me

All alone with people that need from me,
My kneledge
My experience
My time
My spirit
My soul

Alone with so many people needing me seems crazy.

But i have no one to look up to
Have no one to recharge my spirit
No o e to help
 my soul grow

I know if i died tomorrow, peope would miss me, but how does that help me now?

Death is not, at least to my k owledge, not on the table just yet.



Alone and insecure how fucked up is that for someone so amazing but humble?


Alone
Alone
Alone

Alone in the desert at night, no one to talk to, when that is what i really  need right now

Instead the cool breeze and crickets and some unkown planet are all tjay keep me company

And of course the fear of every noise

Fear with the cool. Breeze, turn into a biting paralyzing bitterness

Afraid to move,
A statue
Alone
Alone
Alone

7

And the yellow flower of the evergreen, usher in a new season.

A season of hope
A season of wonder
A season of life

And with all the possibilities before me
I see the flowers have no bees
The birds have no food
The snakes thin and weak

How do i describe the darkness in my head on such a beautiful day

The birds singing remind me that i have no mate.

The dogs playing remind me i have no friends.

The flowers without bees to pollinate, is just the foreshadowing that life will eventually end.

And yet i stay alive, i. The dark despair, on this beautiful day, so bright and alive. It illuminates my darkest dungeon.

The deep dank dark despair that i almost never let out, this day just may crack open that  cellar door. How afraid i am of that  place, no one will ever know.


They cant ever know.

I cant speak the horrors, so they stay locked away, but sometimes a day like this comes, and the dark cloud over my head is lifted, to shine the bright light on my locked away darkness.

And it is a day like this where the yellow flowers are in bloom on the ever green trees and the birds sing, and there is not a cloud in the sky and the dogs play, and the possibilities of spring is everywhere

It is a day like this that my deepest darkest dungeon of despair gets to see the light of day,

And that light in such a dark place causes a pain that rivals the bitter cold of winter.

Biting, burning, bone-chilling, no escape.

6

I need a boy
Not sure what i would do with him
I just feel i need one
One to lool at
One to touch
One the help with the last stages into adulthood

Funny, how juvenile i am wanting abou to help hom grow up.

He would help me in ways that cant be said
Older younger relationship, with the hope of going just to the edge. But never goong over

Going over, that is the job of the hero, to save before it is too late.

But what is too late, if both can relate
Perhaps it is kismet or fate
Fate, to wait, and to take, but not to foresake

For that is beyond the edge and even the hero may not be able to save.

I need a boy, to help me around the house, to be comfortable around the house to wear no shirt,
 To show that smooth , tight skin, and let me look into his eyes for conversation

To help hom with the last few stages into adulthood.

And in return he needs do nothing except help me once on a while and grow into the adult he will be.

He will leave me, as they always do, and my lonlibess so great will make me seek another, seek to be the hero, and prevent someone from falling

off the edge
Off the edge
Off the edge

Maybe one time before i die i will have a relationship, where i jump off the edge and freefall to ecstasy.

But for now i am alone
Not helping anyone
No friends
If only i truly had no feelings, then this loneliness would not feel so
So
So alone.

5

And she says i gotta think,
How sad that she picks now to rhink, that should have happened  many many months ago,  but it is now too late to undo what has beem done.

They were together 12 years yesterday and their oldest child will be 11 in three months

But that does not seem to matter to her.

There are songs of women acting crazy, and shows on TV. But no o e ever thought it would happen to them.

As divorce happens ever so slowly so was this.  And the separation which started out so civil is quickly turning just short of violent.

And the 11 yr old, just wants to carch pok e mon,  but the apartmenrs where mom lives is too dangerois she says.

The 11 yr old does not inderstand why mom cant visit at dads house, thw hois they have lived in sonce the 11 yr old was 2.

Dad didnt change, dad doesnt have some mean man in his life, mom is so much different, the 11 yr old just doesnt understand . 

Strangers called mediators asking questions all the important meeting the mom and dad say very different things, its like they were not even in the same meeting

I just want to be 11 years old and have parents ever one else in my school has this fucked up life, i did not think it would happen to me.
  And
And
And

I wonder if i did something to cause this

And and
And
And
I wonder how i can fix this.

I dont have the words to tell you how i feel, but it ia not good...

I am quiet any way so no one can tell how sad i really am.

I heard of this thing called suicide
And i wonder how people do it, sometimes on the news they say kids do it

I just wonder how to do it, cause i really dont want to go to my moms next weekend...

4

And the burned out shell of the abandoned house is like the life of the old man living alone

Hard to look at for the sadness it brongs

Wanting to do something about it, but not wxacrly sure

Both the abanoned house and the abandoned old man once had life and parties and  complexity.

Now they are both very simple ugly to look at with no one to care.

The old mans family still in town, likw the owners of the abandoned house, but neither visit.

Visitong is facing the truth of past fun times
Past hard times

And reminder of all the time spent, the old man  gave all he could to his family, wirked three jobs as needes, did 2am runs to bail kids out of trouble

And, he lilke the house had lots of tears some of joy some of sadness some of struggle and many ma y accomplishments.

The old man still has life to share, but no o e to shre it with.

Ans soo. The old man will die alone, and then his house too will be abamdoned, just mot burt,

And a paaserny may remember a time the old man fixed his car or something but his family will never know how many lives thwe old man touched, because they stopped being a part of his life

Too busy with their own life, "he would understand" but they also know he would never interfere even if that is what he neesded most

Human conracr of those he loves so much, he died alome so as not to interfere in their lives

3

And the noise so great it rivals the crash of a freight train.
And the disaster that is before me rivals a hurricane
And the waste of food and water and gas, rivals the average American.

And yet this is all my doing
I choose to stay on this chaos
I choose to allow the noise and the waste.

I choose to come home to these daily disasters

But with the too loud, and the counters a mess with food and the gas oven still on with nothing inside for the last hour.

I also get the chance to help with homework
And wash dishes, and tuck kids in at night

And sit in the calm quiet that is bedtime

Good night

2

My friend has blue eyes.

I could have helped, but i just stood there.

The expression on his face was
A mix of desperation, helplessness, disbelief and fear.


He was my friend and maybe  the this sfirst time he was afraid.

Fear, is me
Fear
 fear and weakness is why i just stood there, looking into his blue eyes.

His eyes were screaming to me, screaming to help him.

We were not supposed to be there,
He knew that, as did I,
He did not know how to swim,
I did, but I believed I was to weak to even do one pull up.

He was much more of a lover of life,
Than I
 and  did not let his fear stop him from having fun.

I full of fear, it
Keeps me frozen, almost dead watching from the side, while he was living a life full of emotions.

And
And
and now his love of life finds him in a large body of water, he is face up, he is panicked,
   his head is under the water,
 he tries to scream,
but only exhales bubbles
 his arms and legs flailing ....
and
I
I am too weak to grab hold, and my fear has me so frozen i just dont know what to do.

After a long underwater scream, his body reflexively inhales.

inhales water, and i watched.

And the vision burned into me, like the shadow of a nuclear explosion, is the expression on his face
It is
A mixture of desperation, disbelief, fear and betrayal.

Betrayal, because he was there when i was too scared to ask that girl to dance, he took a punch that was meant for me, he always had my back and saved me so many times.

And now this blue eyed boy who loved and felt and lived a life with
all !!!! the emotions

This blue eyed boy
stops flailing his arms and legs,
And i
I  am a statue,
a useless stone,

and all I can do is look into his eyes, and see that his bright blue has dimmed, to a dead gray.

1

April 30 poems in thirty days

I am behind already, days late and lost
Simple things take so long for me
And fear rules

Friends i have none
Desire to be part of a group
Desire to belong somwwhere
Yet i let fear be my only and constant companion.

Disteactions abound and i know i need to stay focused, well not focused but present.

Fear get old and the stress is so high
Disassociarltion is the best sefense

Then no one can get in, notbeven fear

And being days behind is easy to explain
And not having friends makes sense
And not caring makes it easier to live one more day.

And today is day 7 of the tbirty days, but for me it is but day one

And rather than take the crwative path i, today at least, choose but to tap out some thoughts,

Cause emotions take some bravery, and fear stifles bravery
Fear stifles commitment
Fear prevents friendships
Fear causes stress and tye best escape is addiction, or dissociation, or eating, or sleeping

So unedited today is the first day of the 30 days of poetry

I wonder if there will be a day two?

And i wonder if i have any emotions left, to express??