I had a lottery ticket and believed it would set me free
Free from my fears
Free from my worries
I am so tired of the unknown and the to little control
To much fear
To much indecision
and to little enjoyment with life
I have hopes in a lottery ticket.
I have that feel,
that this on is the winner, not the big winner because that was announced now, almost 6 months ago.
Procrastination and fear has been my constant companion these past months.
With superstition as my guide I know I need to wait to turn in the ticket.
Wait for the right moment otherwise it will be Jinxed and turn into a losing lottery ticket.
I need to wait for a time,
a time when it was not too cold
a time when it was not too hot
a time when i was not feeling lonely, but was alone.
a time when I was not in a hurry to get somewhere.
I had imagined it would be a Sunday afternoon, when the stress of last week had finally subsided and the worries of the week yet to come had not yet taken control of my mind.
but that devil companion "Bad Luck" ruined every possible moment to turn in my winning lottery ticket.
and so,... the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, and the one ticket turned into many.
Each of the tickets calling to me to cash them in at the right time, the right day, the right moment.
Then as if my magic stone had come back to me,...
the stars aligned and I finally had the right weather, and the right day, and the right time, and the stress of last week had subsided, and,..
and I was on my way to cash in that first lottery ticket.
And in my mind FEAR came to life.
Fear whispered to me, in such an evil tone, "maybe none of these are winners"
My superstition tried to combat such a horrible thought, and I searched my mind trying to remember if in the past few months, had I let a black cat cross my path, or walked under a ladder, or broken any mirrors, or stepped on a crack in the side walk, and I, ... I am sure none of those things happened.
I still have my four leaf clover, I once spilled salt, but immediately threw a pinch over my left shoulder, heck I even know that I left the house wearing clean underwear every day, and I did the dishes every night, and just to make sure the ticket was a winner, I even made my bed every morning....
But my fear forced me to turn back, and morn the loss of the winning lottery ticket I may have in my hand.
My worry so great and I see time slipping away, I ask myself "What if I miss the deadline?" how horrible will I feel knowing I had a few thousand dollars but lost it because time ran out before claiming the prize?
The thought of losing just because I did Nothing, is to great to bear...
I Wish I NEVER bought these DAMN lottery tickets.
Feeling helpless about the imagined loss, my superstition becomes almost totally powerless and fear forces me into an abyss of utter loneliness and soul destroying regret.
The soul destroying regret of doing NOTHING Paralyses me.
Like I'm in a straight jacket in a padded cell, with no attendant to hear my calls for help.
with no one to confess my sins, I stay locked up in a cell of my own creation.
The "what if" of not knowing if I won or lost is KILLING me.
I don't know what to do...
Someone please tell me what should I do...
Anyone...
how do I take the next step
how do I STOP?
Stop the doing nothing?
how do I stop the paralysis ?
how do I stop the fear?
how?
Someone please help me!
