Dog flat out

Post from a phone

they owe me $400, will you call them for me?

And sadness comes in waves mixed with fear
Thought is gone, one blurred vision of the past not to long ago.
Blurred but clear, crystal clear and fuzzy at the same time
love not shown
the words said
and the words Not said.

Self-Esteem broken

No actions taken,...

His friends would say he was very well behaved. Yes.
but able to defend, No!

and so now the adult that was the dutiful child is scared
afraid of life, and wont defend himself.
and his family is doomed,
doomed to be less than
less than Mediocre.

But beer and big screen TV, will take them to numb
take them to mindlessness

Drones just existing, full of regret
full of self doubt

scared to do
scared to try

so they follow the TV
follow it blindly
so it can tell them what to do and what to think
they follow it till their feelings are as numb as a coma patient

only they, Are alive
and going to work
and complaining about their self inflicted misfortune
and taking care of their child
and their dog
and the house plants
and they bitch they don't have anything
and now maternity clothes to buy
and laundry to do
and cars to repair
and bills to pay
and worrying how to afford the pregnancy, let alone the second child on its way

lucky for them the TV is now on, and there is this show on that
is funny
and another show on that is scary
and another that mixes drama and emotion and humor

and the shows make them forget
forget the present
forget the past
most of all they can forget their future

Their worries and fears melt
their mind goes numb
the beer cans open
and the drones exist

to scared to be more than below-average,

to scared to make a phone call.

that phone call that will confront a Real person.

happy christmas

And the woman tells her 15 year old son on the other end of the phone

" ... Dammit Seth its not that important. You don't need to be such a cry-baby"

and with the disappointment and guilt inducing tone only a mother can say, she finishes the conversation with "You should be ashamed of the way you are acting, IF, you cared about me at all you would not be acting this way."

With that he made one more comment and he hung up the phone.

And the woman that just crushed her 15 year old son on the phone, hangs up and cries.
cries tears of helplessness
cries tears of abandonment
cries tears of anger that has no resolution
tears of a mother when she realizes she is not protecting her child.

Uncontrollable sobbing for a while as she hears The Christmas Carol playing on television....

Less than a year ago the divorce was finalized, she and the father of their children had the courts memorialize what people told them was in the best interest of all concerns.

All their friends said that usually, the kids stay with the mom, and the dad get the kids for a bit of each month and holidays are split, so that over the years the adults needs are met.

The court did not disagree, but then the adults did not fight tooth and nail for anything, they just wanted out of each others life.

The father moved into the lover's house - a 5 hour drive away.

This is the first Christmas and per the agreement the boy was to be with his father.

When her son is with his father, she lies to herself that 15 year old boys would rather be with their dad's than their mom's, when the truth is:

 When a boy is 15 years old, he need both parents equally - it is very hard for a person to not be a child any more and at the same time not be an adult.

And yesterday the day before Christmas she, dropped Seth off and put him in the hands of that selfish bastard, that fucking prick who broke apart the family.
...
...
...

It is now Christmas day and the boy goes with his father to the store to get a few last minute items. While there,  the father runs into one of his friends and they toddled off to the bar for 'just one drink' - as the boy finishes the shopping, and takes the items out of the store.

Not seeing his dad back from the bar, the 15 yr old puts the items in the back of the pick up truck, shoots a text to his dad saying "lets go foods in the truck" and waited. and waited and waited.

An hour later he had caught up on face book and emails and texts to his friends.

and waited and waited

to his dad he sent a few more texts and called and left messages,  all of which went unanswered.

un-acknowledged,...

It was now dark, he was feeling lonely, scared and abandoned. He did not know how to get to his dad's house from the grocery store, and did not want to wait in the truck any longer.

The vulnerability, uneasiness and fear he was feeling came out as tears, while he was dialing his mom.

He started the conversation with "I don't know what to do" which led to him crying more as he unloaded his helplessness onto his mom,

She was trying to give him calming thoughts, but he was not hearing it, he just kept saying "its not fair"
"its not fair"
"its not fair"

Then she told him, "the courts decided, It can't be un-done"

He had let the emotion build too much and tears kept falling and he said "but mom, I want to be with YOU!"

And the mom overwhelmed by feeling helplessness to protect her child,
overwhelmingly frustrated by the injustice of the whole thing,
and the anger generated by that selfish bastard of a father explodes out!!!

 unfortunately, the explosion is felt by the person on the other end of the phone and she says:

"Just one more day, then you'll be here,... Dammit Seth today is not that important. You don't need to be such a cry-baby"

And with the disappointment and guilt inducing tone only a mother can say she finishes the conversation with "You should be ashamed of the way you are acting, IF, you cared about me at all you would not be acting this way."

And with that Seth said "why are you talking to me that way?" and hung up the phone.

he pinched me redeaux

re-jigged for spoken word, the hook is only 9 words long and if not heard the piece is medocre, so this is me re doing for spoken word

so I am at 4 min 15 seconds, which is about a minute too long - I have been obsessing over this piece for a bit too long and don't know what to cut, so I do one more tonight april 25th, then I've got to get something else out of me


and after months it is commited to memery and I deceded not to place it in public view

so this is an invite only poem,

censored
and apologized for.

the two things you should never do in art

is censor yourslef
or
apologize.


*******
3:am formerly known as he pinched me:

you the patriarch of the family,      organized this impromptu
early-morning, family outing of coffee and scones,

pebble

and I am trapped

by the sand and grit

stepped on

rolled over

ignored

and i think to myself

i am important

i am needed

but with no way of showing it

i am taken for granted

a permanence of reliability

that is me

heat, cold rain or snow

I endure it all because

without me, you have no foundation

piss and puke spray on me

and I say nothing

how can I, trapped by sand and grit

I don't have the breath to spit

that what you are doing is pure shit

I should throw a Fit

and leave here,

but I remember the time I tried to

tried to get free from you,

I did get a a little bit lose it was true

but you saw that slightest shift

and you reacted quick

you said I was in so much trouble

and I was but back in my place,

with your steam roller feet

and jack hammer hands

no friends could save me

no acquaintances knew me

I am trapped

by the sand and grit

rolled on stepped over

I do have your security

your tight concrete grip

that grip to keep me in my place

that grip so strong it can make me feel safe

a grip strong enough to squeeze death into life.

I lie to myself, that

I am important

i am needed

my permanence of reliability

is not taken for granted

but after year and years together

I am seeing the lies,

the lies I say to myself

the lies you say to me

yes I see the lies more clearly,

i see,

that you see my scars in what used to be perfectly smooth skin

but you don't see that it was your unyielding grip

that started the decay

that caused the injury

which you now see as my deformity

but when I look at you,

I don't see your now weak crumbling form

I see only the strength when we first were mixed together in that cement mixer of life.

and I the permanence of reliability

know the only reason you have loosened your grip on me

is that you hope to find

hope to find a younger,.... me

a smooth skinned,

unblemished

rounded

plump

thing that you can grip tight

one that will fill the hole when you finally lose all grip on me.

you have done so well to keep me in your control

and I now know

i have no control

i have no importance

I gladly let everyone walk on me

let the piss and puke spray on me

and like a loose pebble from the side walk, I will leave a small hole in you,

but I will be kicked from one side of the street to the other

until a final ricochet off a passing car tire

will spit me into some dark dirty unseen corner

untouched

unloved

with no one to hold me tight.

boy crying

the little boy being carried by his mother
looking over her shoulder crying
screaming
DAAAD


daddy
daddy
DAAAAAAd,
and his older brother looks back, pausing walking backwards as his dad goes out of sight, the now 8 year old boy stumbles as his emotions are flooded with loss, fear and confusion.
the boy gets a slap to the back of his head and stern words from his mother, and stays in step with his mom, as a cloud of withheld tears exhale from his chest.

and around the corner is a man with a tissue and water filled eyes
using the tissue to blow his nose and hide his emotionally ravaged countenance.
the background of tears fills his world and all he sees are shadows.

the darker, painful places that are exposed only in the bright light of his four-year olds expressed trauma.

that horrible screaming of voice pushed to its cracking point
tears and snot flooding out of the littlest one,
vividly screaming


DAAAD


daddy
daddy
DAAAAAAd,
Don't go


Please don't go

Please don't go