Internal Desires Stifled and stuffed
The external happiness saddened by my insides that are hollow and lonely
Energy zapped
Will and desired weakened
and the work piles up
and the frustration abounds
but the cats don't care they just purr and play with my pen, and lay on my paper.
Monday, May 31, 2010
the cycle begins
and the escape is but a moment
reality takes hold and
depression set in,
self-doubt abounds and
The words so long stuffed
Don't flow.
The music, all but gone.
Shed a tear, mourning the loss
public solitude, no one sees me
desire
fire within
all wished for
all yearned for
all the things, and experiences for.
exhaustion overtakes
and the unrest-full sleep is cut
short by
responsibilities
responsibilities
landing on the chest
crushing
suffocating
stifling
Seeking an escape in words or song and
and the escape is but a moment
Reality takes hold and
depression
.... the cycle ...
reality takes hold and
depression set in,
self-doubt abounds and
The words so long stuffed
Don't flow.
The music, all but gone.
Shed a tear, mourning the loss
public solitude, no one sees me
desire
fire within
all wished for
all yearned for
all the things, and experiences for.
exhaustion overtakes
and the unrest-full sleep is cut
short by
responsibilities
responsibilities
landing on the chest
crushing
suffocating
stifling
Seeking an escape in words or song and
and the escape is but a moment
Reality takes hold and
depression
.... the cycle ...
Friday, May 28, 2010
public service announcement
And the sight of the rag-doll man now lying limp on the side of the road.
How horrific a sight it was to see
the man bouncing,
cartwheeling,
transforming from a body so strong so resilient to
a rag-doll so weak , so limp, so broken
and others saw the motorcyclist limp on the side of the road,
cell phones blazing calls for help.
parents hiding children's eyes
women crying with empathy
and one man screaming
"leave him alone don't touch him"
"Don't turn him over, don't touch him"
I knew why the man was screaming,
I wonder if those around the rag-doll man on the ground understood.
Do you know why the man was screaming ?
This has been a public service announcement If you see a motorcycle accident please.
NEVER remove the helmet.
Don't move the person Stop traffic if you must
Assume they have a spinal, neck, and head injuries and DON"T MOVE THEM.
Talk to the person let them know they are not alone,
Tell them to LAY STILL, even if they say they feel fine.
WAIT for the PROFESSIONALS.
How horrific a sight it was to see
the man bouncing,
cartwheeling,
transforming from a body so strong so resilient to
a rag-doll so weak , so limp, so broken
and others saw the motorcyclist limp on the side of the road,
cell phones blazing calls for help.
parents hiding children's eyes
women crying with empathy
and one man screaming
"leave him alone don't touch him"
"Don't turn him over, don't touch him"
I knew why the man was screaming,
I wonder if those around the rag-doll man on the ground understood.
Do you know why the man was screaming ?
This has been a public service announcement If you see a motorcycle accident please.
NEVER remove the helmet.
Don't move the person Stop traffic if you must
Assume they have a spinal, neck, and head injuries and DON"T MOVE THEM.
Talk to the person let them know they are not alone,
Tell them to LAY STILL, even if they say they feel fine.
WAIT for the PROFESSIONALS.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
help me
the man on the side of the road has a sign that says "help me"
as I stay safe in my steel cate
I look with guilt as my car inches foward toward the traffic light
No I will not help you (i say to myself)
No you are not part of society,
you are a non-person standing there on the side of the road
druggie,
loser,
No I will not look you in the eye
to see you may have been a
father
a son
and to my releif the traffic light turns green
and I leave behind my guilt by turning on the radio and adjusting the A/C.
as I stay safe in my steel cate
I look with guilt as my car inches foward toward the traffic light
No I will not help you (i say to myself)
No you are not part of society,
you are a non-person standing there on the side of the road
druggie,
loser,
No I will not look you in the eye
to see you may have been a
father
a son
and to my releif the traffic light turns green
and I leave behind my guilt by turning on the radio and adjusting the A/C.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
ballons by the side of the road
and she started crying at the site of the balloons and bears on the side of the road.
she imaginged the horrors that must have been,
the lost child
the pain
the death of a loved one
the shattered families of both
the victim's family and
the perpetrator's family.
It was a country road not a lot of civilization,
trees
cows
single lane each direction
just a single stop sign easily missed could have caused the mishap.
she continued to cry as she thought of the profound loss,
The teenage driver of the car asks what she is crying for,
and thinks to himself:
opportunity to console
to be sensitive
maybe sneak in a quick feel while hugging
he pulls over, after all its hard to be sensitive and,.. while your driving.
and he asks "Why are you crying?"
she explains how she saw the balloons and teddy-bear on the side of the road
and he holds her hand
she continues how sad it must have been for the family.
he slides over and gives her a hug
she continues how life can be devastated in an instant
his hand is just on the side of her breast
and she cries while being held,..
"to upset to realize she is being fondled." he says later that night to his friends while they were out in the field getting drunk.
"and the best part of the whole thing" he continues "is; the balloons and teddy-bear was to mark the road to go down for some kids birthday party."
The group of boys laugh loudly and call him lucky.
she imaginged the horrors that must have been,
the lost child
the pain
the death of a loved one
the shattered families of both
the victim's family and
the perpetrator's family.
It was a country road not a lot of civilization,
trees
cows
single lane each direction
just a single stop sign easily missed could have caused the mishap.
she continued to cry as she thought of the profound loss,
The teenage driver of the car asks what she is crying for,
and thinks to himself:
opportunity to console
to be sensitive
maybe sneak in a quick feel while hugging
he pulls over, after all its hard to be sensitive and,.. while your driving.
and he asks "Why are you crying?"
she explains how she saw the balloons and teddy-bear on the side of the road
and he holds her hand
she continues how sad it must have been for the family.
he slides over and gives her a hug
she continues how life can be devastated in an instant
his hand is just on the side of her breast
and she cries while being held,..
"to upset to realize she is being fondled." he says later that night to his friends while they were out in the field getting drunk.
"and the best part of the whole thing" he continues "is; the balloons and teddy-bear was to mark the road to go down for some kids birthday party."
The group of boys laugh loudly and call him lucky.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
sit close
and the friend sits on the bench so close people may think they are gay
uncomfortably close
affectionately close
scared
embarrassingly close
then the friend whispers into his ear
and a cute smile mixed with innocence and shyness appears.
Then the friend whispers again,
this time the teen boy slides along the bench away from his friend. a respectable distance, distance enough so no one could think things about them.
he slides a little more and is now sitting beside, very gently touching the girl on the bench that likes him.
comfortably close
affectionately close
excited
insecurely close
uncomfortably close
affectionately close
scared
embarrassingly close
then the friend whispers into his ear
and a cute smile mixed with innocence and shyness appears.
Then the friend whispers again,
this time the teen boy slides along the bench away from his friend. a respectable distance, distance enough so no one could think things about them.
he slides a little more and is now sitting beside, very gently touching the girl on the bench that likes him.
comfortably close
affectionately close
excited
insecurely close
Friday, May 21, 2010
blood
The muscle bound man struts around with his trophy woman,
daring other men to look at her, ready to pounce to her defense.
She, wearing all but nothing, to entice the young men to look at her deeply
look at the smooth, firm, supple skin of her tight stomach
look at the gentle mounds of flesh inching up towards her face,
look at the long graceful legs that end right at her short, short skirt.
With a flirt of her eye or a long exaggerated stretch she pulls the attention of all guys around, and just as many disapproving looks from the grandma's walking by. Almost everyone that walks past, looks at her, and has something to think about or something to whisper about.
And he defends her honor,
by staring down all the men and moving from her left side to her right side then back again like a bull elephant in musk, he will defend what is his, even if it takes every ounce of his life energy.
So much energy to protect what is fake, and she relishes in her power. she is intoxicated by the control she has on everyone around her.
At the end of the mall's hallway coming their direction is an equally as large a man, unashamedly looking, staring, maybe even undressing her with his eyes, he sees that skin so smooth, and lines of her body so appealing.
His pace stays steadily toward the couple, and the couple walk steadily toward him.
She uses her best move, wanting to see blood tonight, and this equally as large man, just may be the one.
Steps Closer...
The muscle bound man sees the equally as large man and puffs his chest up, straightens his back to walk a little taller and now swaggers a little with each step.
Steps Closer...
The equally as large man puffs up his chest, and stands taller, imagine a wildlife show where there is only one female and the two males are ready to fight to the death, but first make themselves look bigger to scare down their opponent.
Steps Closer...
They are but a few steps away from each other now, the onlookers can feel the tension in the air,
and the woman's adrenaline is coursing through her veins, built with anticipation and intense fear as her warrior is about to battle for her honor.
she has done this before and knows how scream "ooh, ahh, stop, don't hurt him" and then she would jump on the muscle bound man's back as if to try to stop him from beating the pulp out of some innocent victim she coerced into the scene. but really she just wants
a better view of the violence,
the punches being thrown
the nose being broken
the lip being split
and the blood covering the victims face.
That's what she likes the most the blood, her man never loses and even if he did she wouldn't care as long as there was blood.
Steps closer....
and the two men are now face to face, just staring,.. as the tension builds, the woman begins her act and she knows that blood is sure to follow.
As if on cue the muscle bound man says "What are you looking at?"
The equally as large man takes a good long, death-defying, look at the woman exhales in the ecstasy of her beauty and says "the controlling Bitch next to you".
The mall went dead silent and the woman is breathless. She cannot believe the gall, the absolute rudeness of his comment. Having never rehearsed this scenario, she was at wits end with what to do next, she was utterly speechless, her mind was reeling, searching for the next thing to do.
Then in a split second she imagined how this would play out, her muscle bound man will be so infuriated that there might be more than just blood. This time there may be broken bones, shattered ribs or even death.
That thought of the sound a broken bone makes, or the vision of the broken bone ripping through the flesh and the limb bent in an unnatural way, was a turn-on like she had never felt before.
The anticipation of what was about to happen was so intense,
the blood
the pain
fear
broken bones
on-lookers screams
filled her with a rush of pleasure like no other.
She started crying the heartless tears of a crocodile-the ones that best control the muscle bound man-and runs at the equally as large man swinging fists wildly.
The equally as large man just stood there as she attempted the attach and she just bounced into him and fell onto the ground.
Then she screamed "My wrist, ... you broke my wrist" as she turned around to be sure to see the first blow that she knew would take place.
She continued with her best tears "He broke my wrist,..... KILL HIM". She knew what would be coming next, the blood and pain all because of her.
Because of her honor.
And as if in slow motion she sees the muscle bound man draw his fist back, to land that first mighty blow and she is tingling with excitement, fulfillment of her fantasies of a moment ago about to be realized.
The muscle bound man takes a step forward and gives the equally as large man a hug saying "thanks dude you were right she is a controlling bitch." The muscle bound man turns to the woman on the ground, who is no longer crying and says "I am breaking up with you" and the two men walk to the local pool hall to have some beers.
The woman still on the ground, almost everyone that walks past, looks at her, and has something to think about or something to whisper about.
daring other men to look at her, ready to pounce to her defense.
She, wearing all but nothing, to entice the young men to look at her deeply
look at the smooth, firm, supple skin of her tight stomach
look at the gentle mounds of flesh inching up towards her face,
look at the long graceful legs that end right at her short, short skirt.
With a flirt of her eye or a long exaggerated stretch she pulls the attention of all guys around, and just as many disapproving looks from the grandma's walking by. Almost everyone that walks past, looks at her, and has something to think about or something to whisper about.
And he defends her honor,
by staring down all the men and moving from her left side to her right side then back again like a bull elephant in musk, he will defend what is his, even if it takes every ounce of his life energy.
So much energy to protect what is fake, and she relishes in her power. she is intoxicated by the control she has on everyone around her.
At the end of the mall's hallway coming their direction is an equally as large a man, unashamedly looking, staring, maybe even undressing her with his eyes, he sees that skin so smooth, and lines of her body so appealing.
His pace stays steadily toward the couple, and the couple walk steadily toward him.
She uses her best move, wanting to see blood tonight, and this equally as large man, just may be the one.
Steps Closer...
The muscle bound man sees the equally as large man and puffs his chest up, straightens his back to walk a little taller and now swaggers a little with each step.
Steps Closer...
The equally as large man puffs up his chest, and stands taller, imagine a wildlife show where there is only one female and the two males are ready to fight to the death, but first make themselves look bigger to scare down their opponent.
Steps Closer...
They are but a few steps away from each other now, the onlookers can feel the tension in the air,
and the woman's adrenaline is coursing through her veins, built with anticipation and intense fear as her warrior is about to battle for her honor.
she has done this before and knows how scream "ooh, ahh, stop, don't hurt him" and then she would jump on the muscle bound man's back as if to try to stop him from beating the pulp out of some innocent victim she coerced into the scene. but really she just wants
a better view of the violence,
the punches being thrown
the nose being broken
the lip being split
and the blood covering the victims face.
That's what she likes the most the blood, her man never loses and even if he did she wouldn't care as long as there was blood.
Steps closer....
and the two men are now face to face, just staring,.. as the tension builds, the woman begins her act and she knows that blood is sure to follow.
As if on cue the muscle bound man says "What are you looking at?"
The equally as large man takes a good long, death-defying, look at the woman exhales in the ecstasy of her beauty and says "the controlling Bitch next to you".
The mall went dead silent and the woman is breathless. She cannot believe the gall, the absolute rudeness of his comment. Having never rehearsed this scenario, she was at wits end with what to do next, she was utterly speechless, her mind was reeling, searching for the next thing to do.
Then in a split second she imagined how this would play out, her muscle bound man will be so infuriated that there might be more than just blood. This time there may be broken bones, shattered ribs or even death.
That thought of the sound a broken bone makes, or the vision of the broken bone ripping through the flesh and the limb bent in an unnatural way, was a turn-on like she had never felt before.
The anticipation of what was about to happen was so intense,
the blood
the pain
fear
broken bones
on-lookers screams
filled her with a rush of pleasure like no other.
She started crying the heartless tears of a crocodile-the ones that best control the muscle bound man-and runs at the equally as large man swinging fists wildly.
The equally as large man just stood there as she attempted the attach and she just bounced into him and fell onto the ground.
Then she screamed "My wrist, ... you broke my wrist" as she turned around to be sure to see the first blow that she knew would take place.
She continued with her best tears "He broke my wrist,..... KILL HIM". She knew what would be coming next, the blood and pain all because of her.
Because of her honor.
And as if in slow motion she sees the muscle bound man draw his fist back, to land that first mighty blow and she is tingling with excitement, fulfillment of her fantasies of a moment ago about to be realized.
The muscle bound man takes a step forward and gives the equally as large man a hug saying "thanks dude you were right she is a controlling bitch." The muscle bound man turns to the woman on the ground, who is no longer crying and says "I am breaking up with you" and the two men walk to the local pool hall to have some beers.
The woman still on the ground, almost everyone that walks past, looks at her, and has something to think about or something to whisper about.
Monday, May 17, 2010
jigsaw
and one day
The jigsaw puzzle disappeared.
He worked hours on them, some a few hundred some a few thousand pieces, one had more pieces than I could calculate, but it measured 4 feet by 6 feet, it was an Old World Map.
I imagine him putting together pieces of the puzzles
the care in gluing on a back, making a custom frame and sealing the front as if it were a rare piece of art that needed to be restored and preserved.
So many pieces sought-for and placed, but not-a-one had feelings. They were all pieces of colored card board. Cardboard is so much more predictable than humans.
Working for hours on putting the little pieces of cardboard into a predefined pattern,
and relishing in the incredible accomplishment,
yet ignoring and hiding from the pieces of his life that really mattered,.....
Me,
.... his child.
The jigsaw puzzle disappeared.
He worked hours on them, some a few hundred some a few thousand pieces, one had more pieces than I could calculate, but it measured 4 feet by 6 feet, it was an Old World Map.
I imagine him putting together pieces of the puzzles
the care in gluing on a back, making a custom frame and sealing the front as if it were a rare piece of art that needed to be restored and preserved.
So many pieces sought-for and placed, but not-a-one had feelings. They were all pieces of colored card board. Cardboard is so much more predictable than humans.
Working for hours on putting the little pieces of cardboard into a predefined pattern,
and relishing in the incredible accomplishment,
yet ignoring and hiding from the pieces of his life that really mattered,.....
Me,
.... his child.
diplomatic
And I digress,
a moment ago I was here
Palpable,..
Palpable to others and now the point i make is lost
the wonder of my story is lost - all my
experience and knowledge wasted
Wasted, but I see it not
but I see it not.
and so I go on droning on and on and on and on
and on and I am oblivious to the way I am received by the audience
my pearls of wisdom lost and I know it not.
and someone so diplomatic, gently pulls me back
"hey dude, what the hell are you talking about?
a moment ago I was here
Palpable,..
Palpable to others and now the point i make is lost
the wonder of my story is lost - all my
experience and knowledge wasted
Wasted, but I see it not
but I see it not.
and so I go on droning on and on and on and on
and on and I am oblivious to the way I am received by the audience
my pearls of wisdom lost and I know it not.
and someone so diplomatic, gently pulls me back
"hey dude, what the hell are you talking about?
little town
the only traffic signal in 50 years is down town now.
people crowding around looking in in amazement as the Mayor makes his debut
traffic in all four directions is stopped,
funny how something meant to make things better must sometimes stop that which it intends to fix.
the young kids play in the streets feeling daring, because they know they are not allowed to.
the housing developer looks at his contribution and sees the many many dollars he will earn.
the original residents, don't understand what is about to happen to their sleepy little town.
The teenagers, can't wait to try to run the red light in the middle of the night.
and no one sees that this is the end of their little town, first is traffic signals
then a library
then a park
the oldsters will die and young families will visit, but soon leave.
Leaving the town a shell of nothingness. where the traffic light will blink, directing the no one that still lives in the little town, that had one traffic signal in over 50 years.
people crowding around looking in in amazement as the Mayor makes his debut
traffic in all four directions is stopped,
funny how something meant to make things better must sometimes stop that which it intends to fix.
the young kids play in the streets feeling daring, because they know they are not allowed to.
the housing developer looks at his contribution and sees the many many dollars he will earn.
the original residents, don't understand what is about to happen to their sleepy little town.
The teenagers, can't wait to try to run the red light in the middle of the night.
and no one sees that this is the end of their little town, first is traffic signals
then a library
then a park
the oldsters will die and young families will visit, but soon leave.
Leaving the town a shell of nothingness. where the traffic light will blink, directing the no one that still lives in the little town, that had one traffic signal in over 50 years.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
decree of relationship
The house is slowly emptying and it starts to be very very real.
I leave the collection of matchbox cars in the display case, the other five shelves are empty except the outline of dust where other collections once were. Some hope of magic or ritualistic-superstition where as long as something is displayed we belong here.
The cat rubs up against my leg as if to console me.
The dog that used to live here, the one that I rescued, that followed me from room to room. The one I take--I mean took, for walks. She caused at least as much delight as anything else in my life. Mixed, of course, with lots of frustrations, which I have just started to realize that I miss the frustrations also. But she will be better off at another house, my words sound very convincing both to myself, and people that don't know the truth. - This is the home that she loves and...
Boxes of things ready to ship to thier owners. Seems like a waste to ship schoolbooks not looked at for years, but it needs to be gone, this house needs to be empty and soon.
Fixing the holes in the walls, fixing that towel rack that has been broken for the last,... last, ..
Oh,....
Oh my, Its been 5 years, since it was originally broken.
...... I can't believe it has been that long.
Each room has its boxes half packed, chaos every where I look, as if I must wait till the last minute to keep on display all the meaningless shit we've collected over the years.
The garage is empty now, no need for a lawnmower if you are not going to have no lawn,
no need for a shop-vac if you can't have a workshop.
We keep the golf clubs and bicycles although I don't think that they have not been used for, for.. 5 years, I still can't believe its been that long.
The kids are grown, some in living in other states, the others in college, they are adults now they'll be OKay, this will be good for them. When they visit it will be cozy in the a two bedroom apartment, they really don't need this big empty lonely house, where there were many a teenage slumber party, where once the older boy had that party that got out of control the weekend we were at a resort relaxing. We came home to beer cans in the front yard, teenage boys all over the house asleep or passed out, and that HUGE drum set that was in our living room.
But those are kids memories, the house is just a large, empty, sadness echoing chamber.
This is life, an experience to grow from, they'll be OK.
,... how come my words don't sound so convincing?
Today is the 30th day after the decree of divorce, a relationship that started to end 5 years ago.
I leave the collection of matchbox cars in the display case, the other five shelves are empty except the outline of dust where other collections once were. Some hope of magic or ritualistic-superstition where as long as something is displayed we belong here.
The cat rubs up against my leg as if to console me.
The dog that used to live here, the one that I rescued, that followed me from room to room. The one I take--I mean took, for walks. She caused at least as much delight as anything else in my life. Mixed, of course, with lots of frustrations, which I have just started to realize that I miss the frustrations also. But she will be better off at another house, my words sound very convincing both to myself, and people that don't know the truth. - This is the home that she loves and...
Boxes of things ready to ship to thier owners. Seems like a waste to ship schoolbooks not looked at for years, but it needs to be gone, this house needs to be empty and soon.
Fixing the holes in the walls, fixing that towel rack that has been broken for the last,... last, ..
Oh,....
Oh my, Its been 5 years, since it was originally broken.
...... I can't believe it has been that long.
Each room has its boxes half packed, chaos every where I look, as if I must wait till the last minute to keep on display all the meaningless shit we've collected over the years.
The garage is empty now, no need for a lawnmower if you are not going to have no lawn,
no need for a shop-vac if you can't have a workshop.
We keep the golf clubs and bicycles although I don't think that they have not been used for, for.. 5 years, I still can't believe its been that long.
The kids are grown, some in living in other states, the others in college, they are adults now they'll be OKay, this will be good for them. When they visit it will be cozy in the a two bedroom apartment, they really don't need this big empty lonely house, where there were many a teenage slumber party, where once the older boy had that party that got out of control the weekend we were at a resort relaxing. We came home to beer cans in the front yard, teenage boys all over the house asleep or passed out, and that HUGE drum set that was in our living room.
But those are kids memories, the house is just a large, empty, sadness echoing chamber.
This is life, an experience to grow from, they'll be OK.
,... how come my words don't sound so convincing?
Today is the 30th day after the decree of divorce, a relationship that started to end 5 years ago.
Monday, May 10, 2010
one on one
Mom's been working long hours this week.
Daycare is OK and my friends are fine, but I really like my mom.
She said that this Sunday is a special day, something called "Mother's day", and that she would let-me take-her out to lunch (I'm only 4 so I really can't pay for it myself).
I reminder her every night just as she tucks me in "happy mud'ders soon, mommy"
and she says "yes just me and you, this Sunday"
I go to sleep safe and secure.
Then finally the day is here, she buckles me into my car booster seat and off we go. We sit in a booth, she pulls out some crayons and coloring books and I think "we are going to color together how great is that, this will be a special day"
We place our order, I am coloring and she is helping, not doing it right, but she's my Mom so I let her color as she wants. Then her cell phone rings and she answers it I ask "who is it Mommy, who?"
She ignores me to talk on the phone, then her laptop comes out,...
I feel:
confused,
unloved,
I put on my best pouting face and almost full on tears face and she doesn't even see it.
I drop a crayon on the floor just to crawl under the table, she sometimes yells at me when I do that, ..nothing.
I knock over my soda, but the lid stops the impending mess. Then I played with the ketchup and salt and pepper and sugar, she waved at me as if to stop, but kept her eye on her laptop.
I didn't know what to do, this was our "special day", I was feeling alone.
I saw that she had some french fries still on her plate, so I reached across the table to get some.
The next thing I know she hangs up her cell phone and turns her laptop over and is screaming "you stupid idiot, can't we just sit here and enjoy being out together, why did you spill the soda in my laptop, you always do something to ruin the day."
I sit there defenseless against the words and energy
confused
hurt
scared
little
tear in my eyes (but not too much I know better)
Daycare is OK and my friends are fine, but I really like my mom.
She said that this Sunday is a special day, something called "Mother's day", and that she would let-me take-her out to lunch (I'm only 4 so I really can't pay for it myself).
I reminder her every night just as she tucks me in "happy mud'ders soon, mommy"
and she says "yes just me and you, this Sunday"
I go to sleep safe and secure.
Then finally the day is here, she buckles me into my car booster seat and off we go. We sit in a booth, she pulls out some crayons and coloring books and I think "we are going to color together how great is that, this will be a special day"
We place our order, I am coloring and she is helping, not doing it right, but she's my Mom so I let her color as she wants. Then her cell phone rings and she answers it I ask "who is it Mommy, who?"
She ignores me to talk on the phone, then her laptop comes out,...
I feel:
confused,
unloved,
I put on my best pouting face and almost full on tears face and she doesn't even see it.
I drop a crayon on the floor just to crawl under the table, she sometimes yells at me when I do that, ..nothing.
I knock over my soda, but the lid stops the impending mess. Then I played with the ketchup and salt and pepper and sugar, she waved at me as if to stop, but kept her eye on her laptop.
I didn't know what to do, this was our "special day", I was feeling alone.
I saw that she had some french fries still on her plate, so I reached across the table to get some.
The next thing I know she hangs up her cell phone and turns her laptop over and is screaming "you stupid idiot, can't we just sit here and enjoy being out together, why did you spill the soda in my laptop, you always do something to ruin the day."
I sit there defenseless against the words and energy
confused
hurt
scared
little
tear in my eyes (but not too much I know better)
Sunday, May 9, 2010
the barber
Paranoia,
Over there that teen, the way he looks at me, he knows what I'm thinking
what I'd do with that,...that hair it needs to be cut and
I, I am a barber I would
get him in my chair and adjust it so he is nice and secure,..
tie the smock around his neck nice and tight so tight a hair's breath couldn't escape,..
Then I'd soak him down with lotion so I could see the glistening flesh of his,..
his,.. his scalp this way I'd have an idea how he would look with really short hair. That young smooth look.
Then snap some pictures for the before and after portfolio book of mine.
Then I'd pull out my tool and start in on him,..
Snip here, snip there slowly he would succumb to my greatness and like what I am doing,
he's already paid the price he came to me, so he must want it...his hair cut that is.
And I'll be careful to not leave any marks on his delicate body, no sense spoiling the view.
But the after picture will show a changed person.
And when done, I guess I'd have to clean up, very unsanitary all that hair and sticky mess.
I am a very exclusive barber, no storefront, very low-key, word of mouth, "by special invite only"
The young companion in my car, sees my next customer, and hops out to convince him that I am the best, my companion does it because I started as his barber when he was very young.
Over there that teen, the way he looks at me, he knows what I'm thinking
what I'd do with that,...that hair it needs to be cut and
I, I am a barber I would
get him in my chair and adjust it so he is nice and secure,..
tie the smock around his neck nice and tight so tight a hair's breath couldn't escape,..
Then I'd soak him down with lotion so I could see the glistening flesh of his,..
his,.. his scalp this way I'd have an idea how he would look with really short hair. That young smooth look.
Then snap some pictures for the before and after portfolio book of mine.
Then I'd pull out my tool and start in on him,..
Snip here, snip there slowly he would succumb to my greatness and like what I am doing,
he's already paid the price he came to me, so he must want it...his hair cut that is.
And I'll be careful to not leave any marks on his delicate body, no sense spoiling the view.
But the after picture will show a changed person.
And when done, I guess I'd have to clean up, very unsanitary all that hair and sticky mess.
I am a very exclusive barber, no storefront, very low-key, word of mouth, "by special invite only"
The young companion in my car, sees my next customer, and hops out to convince him that I am the best, my companion does it because I started as his barber when he was very young.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
truth?
The emptiness fills my existence, Again.
Routine has taken over, nothing matters, I am going to die any way so why not today.
A slow stressful existence why is life so valued?
I kill nothing but eat
food is death consumed
but life has value?? how can it, if it is so short and useless,
The church has a bazaar-sale and the 10 yr old boy direct traffic as if it is important.
The raffle-ticket seller sells ticket
the junk of people's lives displayed for the price of 1, 2, or 5, sometimes more.
the kids run and play while the adults feel embarassed by their behavior.
And I am recognized as an outsider, and asked if I want to attend this church, other members uninvited to the conversation agree that this is a great place, "we have a great pastor", then others continue on, do you live in "the truth".
I turn away, thinking to myself, the glowing smiling faces of these people is sickening.
the bumper stickers say:
"prayer is the most important time"
"he loves you"
"its not a choice its a life"
that last one especially gets me, so very easy to be a narrow minded opinionated individual, much harder to see life for what it is.
the single mom neglecting her child
the dad that beats his kids because he was beat
the drug addict that sells her 12 yr old to some man for a few bucks
the homeless child that was given life, only to have their parent abandon them.
Ignore the horrors but keep your opinions,
go to church where other narrow minded indivduals can agree with you.
let your preacher tell you what to think
trust the bible has never changed languages nor that the meaning of words do not change over time.
I thank you, your stupidity gives me a reason to live; because I, in my opinionated way, will argue with you and talk to you until one day you too will see the truth.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
two questions
I saw an amazing looking person
nice looking shirt, with a great fit
pants that showed off their better parts
but I noticed that the cuff of their pants tattered and torn
and their shoes were those plastic things wore down to almost nothing
The person was young, an adult, but a very young adult. Their face was smooth as was their arms, with none of the tell-tale sores of certain drug use.
But definitely had the look of a run-away,
fresh out from safety
scared
alone
friendless
walking slowly aimlessly
lost
And my mind flashed to thoughts of nudity and bodies holding each other in ecstasy. then common sense ruined any chance of full on fantasy.
In front of the sandwich, I saw a deep sigh and a head hung low, as pockets were searched finding nothing. A gray cloud of despair spoiled an otherwise perfect face.
I in an act never before done, I walked up and asked "Are you hungry?"
The response was a hesitant "yes" mixed with fear of the price I would ask in return.
I ignored the fear, pulled out a couple of $20's and said lets go eat.
Slowly we both went inside, with some encouragement and flashing of funds to reassure that all I want to do is help.
Sandwich orders were placed and we ate.
During the conversation I discovered the deep dark secret for this run-away, to leave the safety of home.
I said all the right things to reassure that I was OK, and just want to help, trying to gently push this person to come home with me so I could see that body, of course, was Not on my mind :-)
After belly full, tiredness, the emotional release, and a new-found "friend" weakened their will and agreement to come home with me was not hard. I guess I really was in full control of the situation.
After a few nights of honorable behavior by me,
I bought some new clothes and threw away the tattered pants an shoes,
and found myself, actually liking maybe even loving this person
all of which killed my plans to totally take advantage of the situation.
So this becomes a love story, we laugh together, live together, cry together as we grow together. a one in a million shot at happiness that started, when I wanted to get into the pants of some run away.
Thanks for reading, but before you go, two questions, we'll call it reading comprehension questions:
Is the run-away a man or a woman?
Does it really matter?
nice looking shirt, with a great fit
pants that showed off their better parts
but I noticed that the cuff of their pants tattered and torn
and their shoes were those plastic things wore down to almost nothing
The person was young, an adult, but a very young adult. Their face was smooth as was their arms, with none of the tell-tale sores of certain drug use.
But definitely had the look of a run-away,
fresh out from safety
scared
alone
friendless
walking slowly aimlessly
lost
And my mind flashed to thoughts of nudity and bodies holding each other in ecstasy. then common sense ruined any chance of full on fantasy.
In front of the sandwich, I saw a deep sigh and a head hung low, as pockets were searched finding nothing. A gray cloud of despair spoiled an otherwise perfect face.
I in an act never before done, I walked up and asked "Are you hungry?"
The response was a hesitant "yes" mixed with fear of the price I would ask in return.
I ignored the fear, pulled out a couple of $20's and said lets go eat.
Slowly we both went inside, with some encouragement and flashing of funds to reassure that all I want to do is help.
Sandwich orders were placed and we ate.
During the conversation I discovered the deep dark secret for this run-away, to leave the safety of home.
I said all the right things to reassure that I was OK, and just want to help, trying to gently push this person to come home with me so I could see that body, of course, was Not on my mind :-)
After belly full, tiredness, the emotional release, and a new-found "friend" weakened their will and agreement to come home with me was not hard. I guess I really was in full control of the situation.
After a few nights of honorable behavior by me,
I bought some new clothes and threw away the tattered pants an shoes,
and found myself, actually liking maybe even loving this person
all of which killed my plans to totally take advantage of the situation.
So this becomes a love story, we laugh together, live together, cry together as we grow together. a one in a million shot at happiness that started, when I wanted to get into the pants of some run away.
Thanks for reading, but before you go, two questions, we'll call it reading comprehension questions:
Is the run-away a man or a woman?
Does it really matter?
Sunday, May 2, 2010
comparisson value
A snap shot into four peopl talking/comparing at different points in life:
Kid #1. Well my dad once saved my brothers life.
Kid #2. My dad knows a famous movies star.
Kid #3. My dad is so important at work, he has a pager. (author's note: a pager was an electronic device that could only receive a phone number, these pre-date cell phones and text messaging)
Kid #4. My dad knows over 100 people.
I have value because I am my parents child.
Kid #1. I can run faster than you can.
Kid #2. Well I can lift more weight than you.
Kid #3. I can do the monkey bars quicker than both of you.
Kid #4. I can hold my hand like Mr Spok.
I have value because I have a body that can do.
preteen #1. See this scar here on my finger, well I got it while carving a piece of wood and it slipped, it nearly cut my finger off.
preteen #2. Oh yeah, well this scar here on my ankle happened when a picture frame fell apart and the sheet of glass landed right there, I almost lost my ankle
preteen #3. Well, I have a scar on my butt, I was Ice skating and fell and jammed the end of the blade square in, imagine if I lost my butt.
preteen #4. See how this finger is just a stub, I lost it because another kid was pretending to cut me with hedge sheers and actually cut me.
I have value because my body can be damaged.
young adult #1. a while ago I was walking to the store one day and a man, just for a moment, blocked my way and opened up his jacket and said want a lick.
young adult #2. When I was about 10 I had a teenage boy lured me into the woods so he could 'touch me'.
young adult #3. I had a baby sitter that made me watch and touch her as her and her boyfriend had sex.
young adult #4. My Mother used to come into my room at night so she could 'touch me'.
I have no value because I can be damaged deep inside and am now a victim.
adult #1. I was able to go in a quiet room put a pillow over my head and cry
adult #2. I was able to cry in front of a therapist
adult #3. I once cried, while sitting in the corner of a busy store
adult #4. It would hit me like a wave, whenever or where-ever I was, I would just cry
I am gaining value because I am facing my pain.
1 I live life for the most part, OK, with "moments" of depression.
2 I live life for the most part, OK, with "moments" of fear and distrust.
3 I live life for the most part, OK, with "moments" of feeling-dirty, scared and alone.
4 I live life for the most part, OK, with "moments" of sadness so overwhelming all I can do is sit in my recliner with a towel over my head.
I have value because my life is OK, with "moments."
There are some that the "moments" are their life.
Kid #1. Well my dad once saved my brothers life.
Kid #2. My dad knows a famous movies star.
Kid #3. My dad is so important at work, he has a pager. (author's note: a pager was an electronic device that could only receive a phone number, these pre-date cell phones and text messaging)
Kid #4. My dad knows over 100 people.
I have value because I am my parents child.
Kid #1. I can run faster than you can.
Kid #2. Well I can lift more weight than you.
Kid #3. I can do the monkey bars quicker than both of you.
Kid #4. I can hold my hand like Mr Spok.
I have value because I have a body that can do.
preteen #1. See this scar here on my finger, well I got it while carving a piece of wood and it slipped, it nearly cut my finger off.
preteen #2. Oh yeah, well this scar here on my ankle happened when a picture frame fell apart and the sheet of glass landed right there, I almost lost my ankle
preteen #3. Well, I have a scar on my butt, I was Ice skating and fell and jammed the end of the blade square in, imagine if I lost my butt.
preteen #4. See how this finger is just a stub, I lost it because another kid was pretending to cut me with hedge sheers and actually cut me.
I have value because my body can be damaged.
young adult #1. a while ago I was walking to the store one day and a man, just for a moment, blocked my way and opened up his jacket and said want a lick.
young adult #2. When I was about 10 I had a teenage boy lured me into the woods so he could 'touch me'.
young adult #3. I had a baby sitter that made me watch and touch her as her and her boyfriend had sex.
young adult #4. My Mother used to come into my room at night so she could 'touch me'.
I have no value because I can be damaged deep inside and am now a victim.
adult #1. I was able to go in a quiet room put a pillow over my head and cry
adult #2. I was able to cry in front of a therapist
adult #3. I once cried, while sitting in the corner of a busy store
adult #4. It would hit me like a wave, whenever or where-ever I was, I would just cry
I am gaining value because I am facing my pain.
1 I live life for the most part, OK, with "moments" of depression.
2 I live life for the most part, OK, with "moments" of fear and distrust.
3 I live life for the most part, OK, with "moments" of feeling-dirty, scared and alone.
4 I live life for the most part, OK, with "moments" of sadness so overwhelming all I can do is sit in my recliner with a towel over my head.
I have value because my life is OK, with "moments."
There are some that the "moments" are their life.
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