words have meaning

And the adult victim tries her Healing hand on her childhood tormentor

A sense of duty,

a sense of caring.


And the adult stealer of childhood says "you bitch,"

"you bitch," to show his appreciation!?

And the adult woman hears it not,

And the younger male whose childhood was also lost is helpless to protect,

To teach, to expose that the abuse that still goes on.

Goes on, but has changed from traitorous night time behavior, to day time ruinous words.

Physical to mental.

The rules are set and the old man says it is easier to be depressed.

sorrow for the past

I regret the past
Using the present me, the learned me, the experienced me.


I sorrow for the past
Using the confident me, the middle aged me, the empathetic me.


I long for the past
Using the complicated me, the regretful me, the responsible me.


And I consult with two others to see if they feel as I do,


The 23 year old agrees with me, as if the truth of the world was just placed before him and jumps up and says "that’s amazing"


The 75 year old agrees with me as if an old wound was just cut open and he says to me in a somber voice, filled with many heartaches "you are correct young man"

name calling

And the little boy in the big boys body,..

so very upset,

Runs to his momma for comfort and protection.
Scared
Hurt
Physical damage?

No

But the pain just as real.
Momma tries her best to comfort using the tried and true, but utterly useless phrases
"don't let them get to you",
"just bury it",
"What they say doesn't matter"
"sticks and stones,.."

And the boy feels of failure,
confused,
hurt
inept
useless
defenseless
helpless

Momma says it doesn't matter, but the little boy feels it so strong

confused. He just holds back the tears welling from deep inside.

A wet fagot

with a title like that what do you expect?

bash?
trash?
support?
claim?
identify?
jest?

be warned this may offend you, but maybe not, they are just words.

If you are the average person, then, YOU DON'T KNOW what THOSE words Mean.

Words lie! That is hard for me to say.

Words are so important to me, and crafting them together to express emotions keeps me sane, but words lie, cheat and change.

Well words don't change themselves but HOW they are used and WHEN they are used change. So people do it.

We all know that in about 1920 if you were a 'gay fellow' or having a 'gay old time' it meant a happy thing, now kids use the phrase "that's gay" to show displeasure in 'that'. Please note that there is no sexuality in either usage of "that" word.

If Fearful is full of fear, is awful full of awe?

and what is a Banger?


What is a Mash?


Then what is a headbanger, it certainly could not be some one that listens to Metallica.


And whiskey and scotch are made from what? potatoes?


People go on about how its "in the Bible," read the bible, go to your religious leader or go to a bible study group.
I can't, I've tried a few times but the words, I know the words lie.

Written down after the fact,
You know, of course, there were many, many more writings that were not included (look up "canon of scripture").
Its original words and language are not even around today.

So we have a translation of a language no longer around, to a language currently around, though generations of people without photocopiers.

While all of this is going on words are changing.
Changing meaning, (Kleenex or a tissue?)
changing usage, (Tissue as in toilet paper?)
change spelling (cheque, or check, color or colour)

So those religions that rely on written word, rely upon lies, or at the very least, relying on a person to interpret something correctly, not comfortable with that, then relying on the ever changing usage of words.

Rely on others to interpret for you, are you OK with that?

Thats it, I'm off my soapbox, you can choose to blindly follow the interpretations of others, or not, either way you should choose based on information not emotional dogma that has been forced down your throat since before you could talk.

One more thing:
You should stop lying to yourself as quickly as you would pull a wet fagot out of the fire.


Fagot (pronounced [fag-uh t]
-noun
a bundle of sticks, twigs, or branches bound together and used as fuel [such as in a fire], a torch, etc.

best friends

hey buddy

your my best friend we have been through good and bad.
lying to our parents so we could go to that party.
ran from the cops.
slept on the streets.
snuck into that abandoned house to steal the copper.
that threesome that lasted all night, man i can still feel the tingling.
we get high together.
and take care of each other.

but now we have come on some hard times.
food and drugs are so scarce
we are both just skin and bones, we need food.
haven't showered for a month now.
no place to live
no friends to let us crash
no wheels
the shelters are always full by the time we get there.

Just you and me buddy, we'll get through we always do.

hey I have a plan,
lets steal some bikes from some kids find an empty house
sell the copper
then pawn the bikes
meet up at the flophouse then I'll go shopping.

worth the $10 to spend the night here, huh Buddy.
at least we are dry and warm :-)
while waiting for the the shower lets dig into my shopping

I couldn't get as much as we wanted, but we can make it last.
hey buddy take it easy, its like we are both starving here,
we need to make it last
take only what you need
easy I need my share also
don't over do it buddy
we both need to get our fill.

hey buddy,.
hey buddy, its my turn,
hey, Buddy!

buddy,... buddy,..!!

i TOld You to take it easy,
now you've wasted it,

Fuck!

Damn it!!

I am so mad at you right now

ARRGHHHH!!

Oh man look what you've done now!!

ARRGHHHH!!

You are Dead!

I don't fucking believe it, Your DEAD!!


your really dead.

who the fuck am I going to party with NOw.
you selfish bastard why'd you have to take so much!!
FUCK!!!
WHAt aM I sUposED to do without you?!!

If you were going to die with a needle stuck in your arm the least you could have done is saved me a hit.

What a waste! all that good shit stuck in your dead body.

Hey I see some still in the needle in your arm, you did save me some, thanks Buddy.

Man this is the best I've felt in a long time.

teenage angst

art comes in many forms and serves many masters For Using Chosen Knowledge to
communicate, you have the chance to
communicate!

the Feelings Underlying Chaotic Kingdoms YOU choose to express and create.
art comes in many forms and from all over the world
From Ukulele, Cithara, Kazoo, Television, Haiku, Imagination, Soprano-voice,
Seven-string-guitar, Harpsichord, Irish-bouzouki, Tromboon (yes, trombooon).

it communicates thoughts and feelings using words or music, oils, pastels, water colors, Steel, Hardwood, Ice, Talc (the mineral not the powder)
are all there for you to express yourself,

only you really need to know what you mean in your art.
mixed messages are in all art forms
For Understanding Common Knowledge means nothing, but then everything,
it is frustration, so very frustrating, but no, no, it is, it is, …
it is a learning process.
as you grow your art changes, explore it, but keep it forever, keep it, share it when you want, and let art live with you.
Infinity, Lives Outside the Very Existence, of Your Own Understanding.

And the Lady yells and flips people off as they drive by
The words almost foreign,.. almost inhuman,
Hand gestures, stay Away, Stay AWAY! STAY AWAY!!

The pedestrians walk on the other side of the road,

Her hand gestures change to invited calmness with a Surprise insult on the end.
The Lady flips people off as they walk by, afraid of direct confrontation.

And the Crazy Lady is alone,
her possessions in a borrowed shopping cart.

And we walk on,
sideways stares,
pace quickened
grabbing little childrens' hand to hurry them a long.

Alone - In public,
A different sense of reality lived-in.

separation

And the two that became one so long ago must become
two again,

It’s the best for us,
We are tired of us.

The separation is hard and tense, to the two
But to the casual observer its easy.

When they talk about the future they talk not realizing they
Use words like;
We, us, our,…
We looked at a house the other day
1500sqft is fine for us--I mean we,-- I mean me…
...
So many years living as the collective.
And now the two that became one so long ago must become two again.


One wants to start new, remove everything painful
The other wants to keep the past because it might be needed in the future.

The observer sees the things as things, meaningless,
To the two, the things are one more disagreement, one more tension soon to be ended.
The future is both bright and bleak,
But the present is truly, truly unbearable.

Get real

"tell me about your father"
"tell me about your mother"
"tell me about your brothers or sisters"

The therapist had all the questions,
the same ones as the shrinks before her.
prying
trying
lying

Anything to get the truth - they call it "getting real"

"You seem so unhappy for such a young teen" The therapist says.
As if that would mean something to me
I know I'm unhappy! No one needs to pretend to be my friend and tell me that. Lady that is a lousy opening line, maybe you could ask if I find you attractive, or when was the last time I masturbated, that might shock me into being a little bit involved in what you are trying to do.


"If you could change one thing in your life what would it be" she queried.
This is a new question for me, so i answer this one real quick "I don't know"
Three magic words which when said early enough will keep me from saying too much and staying out of trouble with all adults, except of course the one that taught me to say it.


"Do you like anyone at school?"
I respond "I don't know"
She exhales in frustration.
I think to myself see how effective that phrase is :-)
But, do I like anyone at school? lets see, who do I know at school. Tommy-I think that's his name-blue jean jacket a little overweight dark hair, spit a huge flem-ball on my back. Gene-he'd kill you just for looking at him. The smart kids who,... who likes them! Then there is that blond kid, blue eyes, in gym class he cracked his nuts on the pummel horse, how I wanted to,...



"Do you have any pets?"
I respond "yes, a dog" and think to myself oh, did I give too much information, no, no that one is OK, everyone has a pet. I've seen kids playing in the street, out there, sometimes playing having fun, some with their dogs. One kid in particular my age, perfect smile, smooth tan skin and.....


"What's your pets name?"
I respond "why do you ask?"
I think to myself I am tired of the questions, maybe I can get her to do some of the talking.


"Why do you hesitate to tell me your dog's name?"
I respond, you guessed it "I Don't Know"
Her name is Greta she is a German Sheppard, my only true confidant and friend. Sleeps at the foot of my bed, tries to protect me from the now occasional 'night time visits'. The only thing in my live that I truly Lov,...


"In class your teachers say you daydream a lot, look out the window, generally don't pay attention" then after a long pause therapist continues "what are you thinking about all day"
I pause and think to myself, I think of how to escape the boredom, what trouble can I get into so I don't have to go home, how can I get close to that blond so I can see part of their naked body. When I get home what do I have to do to stay out of trouble. Why didn't I throw a chair at Tommy when he spit on my. Why am I afraid to make eye contact. I hope there are aliens, because I so want them to do sex experiments on me and let me pick some of their victims and ,....



"So, are you just going to sit there for the WHOLE session!" the therapist snaps "did you hear the question I asked!?"


I respond "what was the question again? I got lost in thought."
I had truly forgotten her question, I was day dreaming and lost touch with reality. Funny me being in a shrinks office, them trying to help me "be real" and I lose touch with "reality" when asked what do I daydream about all day, then I forget the questio,...



"You are incorrigible, if you don't care enough to help yourself then there is no hope for you,.....this session is over" she states in a most condescending tone.
and with that I felt
hopeless,
lost, and very alone,
and I don't even know what incorrigible means but the way she said it must mean that I am a horrible person.
Why do I even try!!
I am so different than everyone else and I just don't fit
I'm a fucking loser
Home, school,
even the shrinks don't like me, and They get paid to like me.


I wish I were dead--no not dead just in another country where I--no not another country, but friends with some aliens which let me help them understand sex in humans by letting me pick up that blond kid in school, and the one on my street with the smooth tan skin and perfect smile, and let me strip them down and,...



"Do you have nothing to say?" she asks and then excuses herself after a long exhale and a short grunt.


On the way home my parents say that the therapist was frustrated that I just sat there with a blank stare, and only gave short answers. They were still talking but that soon faded as some aliens came down and...

Cycle of life

A bird falls
It was weakened and its energy is now
Greedily taken in by the cat
My mind only sees the
Bird fall.
Does not see,
Loss of life,
Pain of death.
The way of life
Energy is gained from death.

Thanks for getting

Forgetting to take the trash out
For getting the ring I wanted
Forgetting to put the potatoes in the stew when you got home
For getting me the Flowers
Forgetting how long we have been married
For getting me the recliner
Forgetting the names I called you last night
For getting the trip away from it all
Forgetting how hold I am
For getting the gold on our anniversary
Forgetting my name
For getting me through life.

he is a smart boy

And the teacher said if he just tried harder

He is a smart boy very capable but he just doesn't do the work.

Every report card said the same thing,
politically correct bullshit even for so long ago
no one dare say:
"there is something wrong with your son"
he is dirty and smells of body odor all the time
he needs to brush his teeth daily, before he loses them all. His breath stinks.
his hair is an oily long rats nest.
what kind of parents are you!!
he is only 9 years old!!

and when he is 10 yrs old the teachers say
"he is a smart boy, but does not do the work"
Every report card mediocre, with the same comment.
and the nurse that sees him every day to give him Tylenol for his daily headaches
says nothing.
She tries to coax him to confess his secret.
He is a smart boy knowing consequences are to horrific,
so like a prisoner of war afraid of being electrocuted again,
he complies with the jail keeper and says nothing.

and when he is 11 yrs old one teacher dared to say:
"there is something wrong" for which she was rewarded with the chance to work for another school,
long ago upper-middle-class parents yelling and screaming
was a shackle on the hands of teachers.

He is a smart boy, and turns to Mr. Spock the fictitious character
that controls emotion, pushing it down deep below
where no pain can be inflicted on what was once an open gaping wound.
No one can see it now.

He survives by being the loner in the corner. and the teachers say:
"he is a smart boy, solid "B" student, he could easily get "A's" but he really needs more friends.

And when he is 13 yrs old things change, apparently hair above his groin stopped the nighttime rituals. But it was too late he is a shell-of-a-person, emotionless, indifferent actions scripted to conform but nothing felt, protection came from being numb. He finds another boy, they hang out together so the adults think they are friends, but they just use each other and the adult think that he has feelings.

And when he is 14 yrs old the hair now on his balls also, gave him a better escape where he had control and power, the adolescent game was better with fantasies. Which almost always turned to one sided pleasure.

"He is a smart boy, gets A's and B's in school and seems to have a friend or two." His parents say, "we did a good job"

But the fantasies would prove to turn him into a monster.

YOU or you

You look at you
(the little you,
the young you,
the child you)

With Today's YOU
(Older You,
Experience You,
Mature You).

and you feel with YoU
(confused You,
growth stunted You,
untrusting You).

and YOU blame you for
letting him touch YoU
and YOU are hurt and damaged
by what happened to you.

and YOU hide from you
hide from past
hide from emotion

and you feel you could have stopped it somehow,
intelectually YOU know you could do nothing about it
but YoU still feel as if you had control.

and He contols YoU still
and YOU hate that but
yoU dont know what else to do.

so YoU Hide
hide - Socially in public
hide - Emotionally in anger
hide - imaturity with responsibility
hide - happiness with purchases

So what are YoU going to do about YoUrSeLf?

show begins

In setting the stage
we see through the audience's eyes and make ready
and clean
and paint
and plan
and just before the show begins the funk is cleared from our eyes

and we see very clearly we are not ready for the show
we see very clearly what the audience is about to see
the chaos
the mess
the clutter
the pain
the sadness
the drifting with no purpose

we vow when the perfomance has ran its weeklong run
we will do better
and clean the mess
and not clutter
and not be in pain or sad

and now the week over we are sad
and feel pain
loss
sadness
like we have no purpose

so we have no energy to clean the mess or clear the clutter.
so we hide from ourselves until the next performance when we will

see through the audiences eyes, and not our cloudy depressed pair.

monster

Its in me and no way to get out.
I sit solomn and alone
Controling the monster within
wants to live
wants to experience
wants life

The monster is chained, bound and controlled to protect those
who want to live
who want to expericne
who wants life

the monster must stay chained and calm at the expense of the life of the host.

quick stress

and the heart stressed
the body feels old
and the joy so distant
its hard to feel.

hard to feel anything

so the stress becomes real
and the pain becomes real

the tears flow where there should be joy
and no one knows
how much the heart is stressed.

Party of 100

"The newsman said it is a large canopy it can accommodate a party of 100"





Party Of 100
Your invited
Dress formal
Wear comfortable shoes it will be held outside
Grass field with some interesting landmarks
No food, no drinks the time will be short
If you can't make? It will be televised
Commentary before during and after
The nation will be tuned in

The blessed event?…



The death of five little children, ...


Drowned by their mother.