someone I knew died

someone I knew died,

 he had a name, and a nickname, and a mom and siblings and cousins and friends,
he was looked up to by the little kids,
and loved by the older kids.
had good adults in his life


and this thanksgiving
this       Thanks  -   Giving


and this thanksgiving will be the first,

The first with a ten ton weight in the air.

 
the first where we need answer the questions
Do we talk of him?
Do we say we are sorry?
Say That we miss him?
Say That he would have liked.....

or do we say nothing, act as if his ten years of life had not filled our hearts.

and when those jokes, that inevitably but  innocently drift out..  ..

 I'll just "die"....  if the Cowboys makes that touchdown, 

or 

that inconsequential phrase when you fear your cooking is not perfect, I could just "kill my self" for the mess I've made

and then there is the prayer of the turkey sacrificing its life for our enjoyment, 

most people don't say "thanks for dying,... so we can eat you" but this holiday that is what the inner core of family will hear.

the inner-core those that did his laundry
the siblings that ran after him to "beat him up"
those that,
that
that.. 

 well you know how annoying 10 yr old boys can be, still on the edge of innocence
and annoying enough that everyone in the house said to him at least once "i'm gonna kill you.... " 

and it was the oldest sister that said it last "i'm gonna kill you",

 but to her defense the last thing he heard before running out of her room was her yelling  "Mom!, can you get this little shit!! of a brother to STAY OUT! of my room!!",

he was the little brother every loved and hated, 

Loved his absolute joy to life, and his non-stop jokes, 

and hated the way he could be soooooo  annoying.   and  only after you have him pinned to the ground, did he apologize, every knew he just said it to get up, but at the end of the day.

at the end of they day
there were honest hugs, and real compassion in that little soul, and if you were upset, he was always a listening ear, that would not tell mom. 

a little wise beyond his years, as the phrase goes, and a lover of life,
loved excitement
trying new things
fearless
and with older brothers and sisters to catch him if he fell,
to be there to make sure he had a fair schoolyard fight.

and a mom, that did a pretty good job so far with her clan, to her, he was the baby.

He was the baby

and at 10, it was still Okay,

 ... Sometimes,.. 

 sometimes, still play for mom to give him a hug in public, and even a kiss...

he of course would wipe the kiss off in big over exaggerated melo-dramatic fashion.

but sometimes in front of his friends, he would yell, I love you mom, as he walked away from her.

his friends would give him a hard time, but he was okay with their harassment, cause that is his mom.

and the harassment only lasted a few seconds, they had adventures to find.

and 

And then

And then

then out of nowhere the 10 tons of sorrow, crush the family.
breathless
sick to stomach
disbelief
tears flow,  

and will cry so much there is no emotion left,

Exhausted from emotion.

They wake up and are crushed by the reality that

nothing they do can bring him back.

reliving the last days and seeing mistakes does no good

talking to his friends does no good

working out really, really hard does no good

talking hurts
thinking hurts
Can't sleep, 

Can't eat

body aches with loss 

and saddness, 

and sorrow
and
and
and wishing there was a ten ton weight to jump under as it is falling, is just fantasy that does not help the pain

Loss

Emptyness

It just hurts that you are alive, and he is not in your life.

Feb 2018