3:am

The patriarch of the family, organized this impromptu
early-morning, family outing of coffee and scones,
your distant wife, and somewhat distant 15 year old son, sit across from you
and your,… sm-a-ll , 10 year old boy, has fallen asleep next to you on the couch.

work responsibility causes the need to leave this moment of family closeness.

So, you carefully lift the sleeping boy to your shoulder.
and to the car, the family walks.


his arms cling to your neck
you feel his warmth and total trust in you
his legs flopping with each step you take,
so you slow,..
to protect his slumber state
.
.
.
.
and the  15 year old trailing behind the family on the way to the car,
Pinches the sleeping child
Pinches hard !!
hard enough to startle!
hard enough to welt!
hard enough to cause uncontrollable sobbing!


and the father scolds
"why did you do that?"
"how could you do something so mean to your little brother"


And the 15 year old, . . . just stands there speechless,
his words try to crawl out from a deep pit within,

but no words make the journey into the morning light
.
.
The father continue to scold and ends with "what were you thinking?"

and at that moment the teenager was thinking about,..

3:am.
.
.
.

The mom is oblivious to this scene behind her, she already in the car
is busy
busy texting
busy face booking
busy farmville -ing


in her electronic world she is
ever so helpful
giving away tractors
sharing advice
liking business

In her electronic world she is valued and wears her badge of greatness with honor

but in the real world she is not like real moms
although there is plenty of food her kids go to school hungry, and
with mountains of laundry so her kids go to school dirty


her defense is “ self proclaimed “ insomnia
she does not sleep well
she says she cant stay asleep

she says:

3:am
.
.
.

for her husband
3am ..... is sometimes interrupted, by groggy barely remembered words from his wife as she slinks back into bed.
she tells him:
"I just needed some water"
"I heard a noise in the boy's room and was checking on him"



for her 3:am
is selfishness and power
it is adrenaline and control

it is for secrets,...
"he doesn't know what I'm doing, he's asleep"

for her 3:am
is full of justifications
"if he didn't like it he would tell me"


"tonight I'll just look and not touch"
"last night I went too far, so tonight I won't do anything"

" and next time I won't lift "
"and next time I won't.."
"and next time I ..."
"and next time ..."
"and"
"and"
and
and


AND. For the boy not yet out of his 15th year of life

3am is

feeling confused and scared
... hopelessness fills his days....

3AM is
feeling alone and powerless
... dirty-ness that cant be showered off ....

for him 3:am is the cause of
feeling guilty for hating his mother so,

betrayed by himself for NOT telling HER to stop it.

and worst of all 3:am is
being betrayed by his own body
his body that responds to touch
his body that he can't control
.
.
.
Can't control even though the touch feels so disgustingly wrong

the daytime brings with it, a numbness mixed,
with bouts of overwhelming, uncontrollable emotion
as sudden flashes of the previous 3:am, bombard his mind
... he is tortured by his thoughts ….


But now,
but now,
but now,
but,  now


the  15 year old trailing behind the family on the way to the car,
after the impromptu family outing for coffee and scones,

was re-living the 3:am that was only 8 hours ago
if one could rate all the 3am's on some unimaginable scale of horror,...

last night,
last night would have been the worst,

because
because of betrayal
because his body is young
because the outrageous evil
of his body almost caused him to cum at the lips of his abuser.

his thoughts of the horror from 8 hours ago was broken, when he saw his little brother.

innocent
helpless
clinging to their father,

and then he realizes the first, 3:am happened when he, was as young as his little brother is now !

Crashing, thundering waves of concern, confusion and helplessness,
As he asks himself the question
"Has She started doing it to HIM?"

and with a flood of emotion so intense and overwhelming he
he does not know what to do !!!
so he,

Pinches the sleeping child
Pinches hard !!
hard enough to startle!
hard enough to welt!
hard enough to cause uncontrollable sobbing!

and his father scolds him.
"why did you do that?"
"how could you do something so mean to your little brother"
.
.
.
And the 15 year old, . . . just stands there speechless,
his words try to crawl out from a deep pit within,

words of torture,
words anger,

most of all he needs and wants the words

"make her stop"
"PLEASE!!"

"how can you Not see what she does to me at night"

"Please, She is evil"
"Please"

"Please, maker her STOP!!"
"Please"
.
.
.
.

but no words make the journey into the morning light,


His father continues the scolding and ends with "what were you thinking?"

and at that moment the 15yr old, with the words stuck in his throat,

was thinking,

about 3:am