10 ( play the same track)

so full of thought
so full of conversation that
that will never happen

and even now, 

now that I am calm

in front of paper and pen and ready to write.

the next conversation plays in my head

the one that I know wont go the way my thoughts are playing it

and yet the tape keeps on looping, 

like an 8-track that has no end

my mind plays the same tape

no edits

no talk overs

no impromptus

oh the torment.

for I know the conversation will not go the way my tape is playing  it

my track laid down 

time soon, to go to press

replayed it in my mind so many times 

I

sometimes

Actually believe

this time

this time

my mind laid the track down so well that

the conversation will go down as fantasized

and this time the live performance will be

sublime

flawless

and well timed

but

I know

when I go live

I will make edits, .. on the spot

and be totally unprepared, 

a conversation takes two

and even with my crazy split mind

i am still just one person 

and have just replayed

the same conversation in my mind so many times

and in the studio of my mind

i play the same track

again,

and again

and again 

and again

going live my fantasy crashes into the other persons reality

and I get lost

and my view is not heard

and i am not validated

and I walk away sometimes confused

weak

dejected

and always walk away asking myself "how can I do better next time"

but next time it is again

a one sided conversation

and in the studio of my mind, 

i will play the same track

again,

and again

and again 

and again