choked up
tear filled
stomach wrenching from the pain
pain of longing for
pain of needing
pain of so desperately wanting to be with
one more touch
one more hug
to smell their hair one more time
my very core
and my heart
are now both void and hollow without you.
I can't find enough distractions to ease my pain, to ease my guilt.
The death metal that can rip the skin off my bones as it erupts through my speakers has no effect.
I am numb to the disgust of the cockroaches crawling across my feet.
Numb is all I can hope for,....
my pain,
my agony and
my regret
it is ALL my fault.
I, . . . . . did the abandoning.
I destroyed the utopia, thinking that it would all work out.
The movies always show living happily ever after, our life had been a wonderful storybook, so it should end happily ever after.
but like the only survivor of a plane crash in the desert, it is, I, who tries to survive.
To live one more day.
using images of you,
the hope of seeing you,
the need to hold you and breath you in again
to get drunk looking into your eyes
to hear you laugh, one more time
I the solitary survivor - do what I need to
to live one more day.
and my self inflicted torment makes my sick
food wants nothing to do with me.
something is trying to rip its way out of my chest.
I am suffocating on my loneliness.
The music can't get loud enough.
I can't write enough.
I can't become numb enough to forget
forget the way you can get soooo mad
forget your cute little phrases
forget your never ending smile.
The homeless have shelters.
The suicidal have hot-lines.
But for me there is no help for me while I survive the loneliness.
no help from the repeating thought,
I put myself here
its my fault - I put myself here
I put myself here
its my fault - I put myself here
I put myself here
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