Mona Lisa smile

I never thought
never thought it

I never thought I would be here now
that I would still,
 be,
 here.

I was the littlest one.
bounced from mom to mom, with one half of a dad

I never thought I would be here now.

So many years of self inflicted pain
so many homeless nights

So sure I was
sure that I was not,
not able to instill the chaos of my life into my very own offspring.

and yet I sit with my baby boy on my lap,
picture day, that day when people smile and share.
and pride is normal

but the photographer slow and camera not professional this pose will take a while.

my baby  boy on my lap we sit.
I am rigid, waiting,
like you see on TV when a camera from the 1800's is used, where the photographer instructs the subjects to sit still, and not breath, then he takes the lens cap off the bulky primitive camera, while reinforcing the command to hold very still.

30 seconds of rigidity

it takes so long to get those shots, but it should be worth the discomfort.

30 seconds of rigidity or was it an eternity of holding breath and pushing down emotions?

rigidity, hold breath and fake smile,
all the while this amazing little life smiles huge, eyes full and happy, like when he is well fed and wanting to play a game.

Just a little bit ago he was touching the tears streaming down my face. His magic trying to make them go away.

He is so innocent he has no idea that right now
 I am
rigid
body stiff
posed

a moment to be cherished but instead
like a steal girder rusted into place on an abandoned bridge my Mona Lisa smile appears.

a time that would normally
be soft
 be caring
be loving

is instead filled with
reservations
self-preservation
and feigned happiness
all the while the baby boy sits and smiles care free on his mothers lap,
on my lap.

Stoic
Still
Posed
Pretending to Love
this thing on my lap.

this thing on my lap that causes a revulsion in me as strong as seeing a person decapitated

this horrific scene is not because of the boy himself it is because of fantasy

it is my fantasy
my fantasy lived daily that caused this reality.

fantasy feels good and reality catches up with you

Both collide when my baby boy comes to visit with his adoptive mother.

My baby, which came from the fantasy of sterile loins
my baby which now lives with religious freaks,
freaks that fed my fantasy, and took my baby

He came out just a little bit addicted, he is not as bad as me, I don't see why they had to take him from me.

"I would have stopped once he was born........"

and so  I sit holding what is not mine, yet he is, mine.
His smile brightens the whole outdoors.

and my Mona Lisa smile, holds back my rage,
my fear
my disgust and anger and blame

and I can't wait to get him off my lap,

the visit has gone too long and I need to find a place to sleep tonight and a fix would be much appreciated.

reality sucks and fantasy is waiting.

so one last smile,
fake kiss and weak hug,

tears stream as I walk away
walk and then turn left,

glass pipe and a hot lighter
and I smile
smile
smile,..
like that one painting, man
man
you know,
you know, that, you know, lady sitting with that,  little smile, you know,
yeah, man
I smile,
smile like Mona Lisa.