Drunk and all alone

And it does not matter, at least not now.

The shattering moment by an unknown assailent
innocence lost
friendships betrayed

when I started this journey
it was so important to be heard
to have another pity me for how i hurt
And To be selfish every moment because I was a horrible person.

but then I grew
it became more important
to feel what you felt
to boost your self esteem
to be there for you.
to help
to be with
to try
to honestly care

Honestly care

Honestly

It does not matter now!

I tried,  tried so hard and so may times
tried to be good
tried to be true

when you called  me at 2am stranded, I was your first call,
and  I thank you all from the bottom of my soul for trusting me.

I have spent so many hours and have
grown so much to be who I am today

I am human and have my problems, but I tried

tried
Tried to fix them
Tried to be at peace with them
tried to put them aside,....

Put my problems aside because I hoped I could turn my life around

Put my problems aside because, although I did not know there would be a you in my life,

I knew you needed someone to listen to you,
and help you,
guide you,
or just be with you when you did not want to be alone.

i have hours of navigating through peoples problems late at night and early in the morning in so many different coffee shops, just because that is the time someone needed a friend to talk to.

I think people called me because they knew i would answer,
knew i cared and
knew they could trust me,

funny, "trust me" is 3000 miles away from where I started my adult life.

Some people saw the journey and hold my past against me,
some only know me now and can't believe how messed up I was.

most people, I think,,.. I hope... are Okay with who I am today.

but all  my insecurities still haunt, and  I wonder, ....
if there is anyone,.. I can call at 2:am when  I need to talk. ....?

but that does not matter now

and my journey from 3000 miles ago to now does not matter.

Because,

because, In the time it takes to jump to conclusions, or
Place a phone call, or

in the shattering moment that it took  the drunk to run a red light and crash into my car.

I..

I, am now dead,
and,
and my dear friends,
I have died all alone.