Mom's next weekend

Mom and Dad were together 12 years yesterday and, me, their oldest child will be 11 in three months

But that does not seem to matter to mom.

There are songs and shows on TV  of women acting crazy. 

But 

but

but grandma never thought it would happen to mom.

And mom moving out, so suddenly, started out okay but is quickly turning just short of violent.

And the 11 yr old, just wants to catch pok-e-mon,  but the apartments where mom lives is too dangerous mom says.

The 11 yr old does not understand why mom cant come to dads house, 

That is where they have lived for the last 11 years.

Dad didn't change, 

mom left dad.

Mom has a mean man in her life.

He is not nice to me or my little sister.  He doesn't touch us, or hit us, but the way he talks to me,

he yells at me for the littlest things, like leaving a sock on the floor

he never smiles at me

I feel like he hates me

He does not care about us, 

and he 

he is

he is taking our mom away from us.  

I dont like the way he is mean to mom, I'm 11 I cant tell him to stop pushing mom, he'd throw me against a wall.

Once she had to call the police on him cause of the arguing they were doing.

Mom told me not to tell dad.

I hate going to mom's, and I feel so helpless, alone and guilty for not wanting to go.

Mom is so much different, and I just doesn't understand . 

Strangers called mediators ask a lot of questions at all the meetings.

After the meetings mom and dad say very different things, its like they were not even in the same room I was in.

I just want to be 11 years old

and have parents that live together

Parents that get along

Parents,...

not parents, but a mom,...

a  mom that does not ask me to lie to dad

a mom that loves me

I want the mom I used to have.

everyone else in my school has this fucked up life, 

of parents living in different houses,

of parents asking kids to keep a lie,

I did not think it would happen to me.

 

And

I wonder if I did something to cause this

And
I wonder how I can fix this.

And

I wonder how I can get my mom back

I don't have the words to tell you how i feel, but it is not good...

I am quiet, so no one can tell how sad i really am.

I heard of this thing called suicide
And i wonder how people do it, 

sometimes on the news they say kids do it

I just wonder how to do it, 

Cause I

Cause I

Because I really, really, really 

do NOT  want to go to my moms next weekend...

teen needs therapy

"tell me about your father"
"tell me about your mother"
"tell me about your brothers or sisters"

The therapist had all the questions,
the same ones as the shrinks before her.
prying
trying
lying

Anything to get the truth  - they call it "getting real"

"You seem so unhappy for such a young teen" The therapist says.
As if that would mean something to me
I know I'm unhappy!   No one needs to pretend to be my friend and tell me that.  Lady that is a lousy opening line, maybe you could ask if I find you attractive, or when was the last time I masturbated, that might shock me into being a little bit involved in what you are trying to do.


"If you could change one thing in your life what would it be" she queried.
This is a new question for me, so i answer this one real quick "I don't know"
Three magic words which when said early enough will keep me from saying too much and staying out of trouble with all adults, except of course the one that taught me to say it.  


"Do you like anyone at school?"
I respond "I don't know"
She exhales in frustration.
I think to myself see how effective that phrase is :-)
But, do I like anyone at school? lets see, who do I know at school.  Tommy-I think that's his name-blue jean jacket a little overweight dark hair, spit a huge flem-ball on my back. Gene-he'd kill you just for looking at him. The smart kids who,... who likes them!  Then there is that blond kid, blue eyes, in gym class he cracked his nuts on the pummel horse, how I wanted to,...



"Do you have any pets?"
I respond "yes, a dog" and think to myself oh, did I give too much information, no, no that one is OK, everyone has a pet. I've seen kids playing in the street, out there, sometimes playing having fun, some with their dogs. One kid in particular my age, perfect smile, smooth tan skin and.....


"What's your pets name?"
I respond "why do you ask?"
I think to myself I am tired of the questions, maybe I can get her to do some of the talking.


"Why do you hesitate to tell me your dog's name?"
I respond, you guessed it "I Don't Know"
Her name is Greta she is a German Sheppard, my only true confidant and friend. Sleeps at the foot of my bed, tries to protect me from the now occasional 'night time visits'. The only thing in my live that I truly  Lov,...


"In class your teachers say you daydream a lot, look out the window, generally don't pay attention" then after a long pause therapist continues "what are you thinking about all day"
I pause and think to myself, I think of how to escape the boredom, what trouble can I get into so I don't have to go home, how can I get close to that blond so I can see part of their naked body.  When I get home what do I have to do to stay out of trouble.  Why didn't I throw a chair at Tommy when he spit on my.  Why am I afraid to make eye contact.  I hope there are aliens, because I so want them to do sex experiments on me and let me pick some of their victims and ,....



"So, are you just going to sit there for the WHOLE session!" the therapist snaps "did you hear the question I asked!?"


I respond "what was the question again? I got lost in thought."
I had truly forgotten her question, I was day dreaming and lost touch with reality. Funny me being in a shrinks office, them trying to help me "be real" and I lose touch with "reality" when asked what do I daydream about all day, then I forget the questio,...



"You are incorrigible, if you don't care enough to help yourself then there is no hope for you,.....this session is over" she states in a most condescending tone.
and with that
I felt
hopeless,
lost, and very alone,
and I don't even know what incorrigible means but the way she said it must mean that I am a horrible person.
Why do I even try!!
I am so different than everyone else and I just don't fit
I'm a fucking loser
Home, school,
even the shrinks don't like me, and They get paid to like me.


I wish I were dead--no not dead just in another country where I--no not another country, but friends with some aliens which let me help them understand sex in humans by letting me pick up that blond in school, and the one on my street with the smooth tan skin and perfect smile, and let me strip them down and,...



"Do you have nothing to say?" she asks and then excuses herself after a long exhale and a short grunt.


On the way home my parents say that the therapist was frustrated that I just sat there with a blank stare, and only gave short answers.  They were still talking but that soon faded as some aliens came down and...

She started listening to my music

She was rock-n-roll

and I was rap

other than that

we were one complete soul

a girl that always has my back

who could ask for more than that

she and i are like a morning glory vine

entwined, interlaced, interwoven

totally into each other

holding on to each other so tight, we only see the day light.

I was rap

and she was rock-n-roll

I changed and learned to like rock-n-roll

but she never even tried to like my rap

but I felt she still had my back

The one day  I didn't see coming

I heard her humming one of my raps

I was so happy, but what is the meaning

does it mean that our love was more than a stop-gap

Soon after the one day, I off work and came home early

i walked in quietly

and heard my rap playing loudly

walk down the hall happily

the door open a small crack

I take a look-see and peek

and see some prick riding my woman who is flat on her back listening to my rap

that bitch stopped loving me the day she started liking my rap

4/8

And life is hard whether you arr an any of a plant

Yet things work out says the lady in her 50's

4/7 the choice

And days have past with no commitmemt to  well considered concerning  comment i can make with my wirdd

Choice is the hard thing
What will i do
What should i eat
What should i where
Where should i go


The list is endless, but not so life
Life goes on but each of us will die
Death is avoided, at slmost all costs, especially if we have a choice.

Resessitare or not, iur intellect gous one way but our essence does not want to die.

Who should i meet
How can i hrlp, should i even try

Tryimg just causes more stress and the choices, keep on coming

4-2 a day late

procrastination - such a long word, how apropo.

The self inflicted stress caused by self-directed delay is overwhelming

my mind is whirl of chaos with the many things I need to do
so many needs
so many wants
 so many responsibilities
so many feelings
they come in as a crashing tsunami that is too large and too fast to imagine
all I can do is sit with my head in hands covering my eyes
but the darkness is no relief from the thoughts inside my head
I see people come in and out of the coffee shop, and wonder if their haste is for something really important or just their way of coping with or avoiding the tsunami in their head.

Wondering about them allows me to put off for later the current thoughts inside head.

4 -1 the fool

Today the first day of april
Day of fools
April fools day
I think back over some of my years and see with a stark reality like a spill of black paint on white carpet

How much of a fool i have been
And how much i still fool myself
Lie to myself
Fool myself
Hide from myself

The struggles seem to win over the accomplishments

But who am i to judge myself,
when it is so easy to fool myself.
I cant confide with myself.
Not when i lie to myself

And yet i know be true to thy self
Live in the moment to be one with thy self
But i guess i really dont like myself

Truth takes trust, and i dont trust myself.

Lie to myself
Fool myself
Hide from myself

Its all the same.

Happy april fools day.

9

And the teen boy in his last year of that title
Tries to be adult, well more adult

And the early mistakes will grow him into the adult he will be
And where he is now is where he will be from
And memories of this time will be looked back on

And the tears and fears of today will seem like nothing

And the 3 yr old screaming in the grocery store is felt as embarrassment to the parent but to the child it is the end of his life

So will the decisions made today on his last year of teenage boy

8

And she just does not understand

She has pressure, i vet jt a s i listen and i solve
And i fix compiters
And i clean the kitchen
And i move apploances
And i work to make extra mo ey

And i fight my own demons
And hide my i securities
And stuff my fristratioms

And try to plan for so.e sort of fucking future
But her wants are mother fucking endless and everythi g is a out her
And then the mood sets in so what the fuck
Fuck you and your emotions, petty selfish bitch

I am all alone and drowning and no o e can see that.

I a. All alone and have no o e i can call, to talk to,

I am all alone and afraid of fucking everything and everyone.

All alone and no one sees.

All alone and taken for granted

All alone.


All alone

All alone

With people in my life that rely on me.

All alone with people that look up to me

All alone with people that need from me,
My kneledge
My experience
My time
My spirit
My soul

Alone with so many people needing me seems crazy.

But i have no one to look up to
Have no one to recharge my spirit
No o e to help
 my soul grow

I know if i died tomorrow, peope would miss me, but how does that help me now?

Death is not, at least to my k owledge, not on the table just yet.



Alone and insecure how fucked up is that for someone so amazing but humble?


Alone
Alone
Alone

Alone in the desert at night, no one to talk to, when that is what i really  need right now

Instead the cool breeze and crickets and some unkown planet are all tjay keep me company

And of course the fear of every noise

Fear with the cool. Breeze, turn into a biting paralyzing bitterness

Afraid to move,
A statue
Alone
Alone
Alone

7

And the yellow flower of the evergreen, usher in a new season.

A season of hope
A season of wonder
A season of life

And with all the possibilities before me
I see the flowers have no bees
The birds have no food
The snakes thin and weak

How do i describe the darkness in my head on such a beautiful day

The birds singing remind me that i have no mate.

The dogs playing remind me i have no friends.

The flowers without bees to pollinate, is just the foreshadowing that life will eventually end.

And yet i stay alive, i. The dark despair, on this beautiful day, so bright and alive. It illuminates my darkest dungeon.

The deep dank dark despair that i almost never let out, this day just may crack open that  cellar door. How afraid i am of that  place, no one will ever know.


They cant ever know.

I cant speak the horrors, so they stay locked away, but sometimes a day like this comes, and the dark cloud over my head is lifted, to shine the bright light on my locked away darkness.

And it is a day like this where the yellow flowers are in bloom on the ever green trees and the birds sing, and there is not a cloud in the sky and the dogs play, and the possibilities of spring is everywhere

It is a day like this that my deepest darkest dungeon of despair gets to see the light of day,

And that light in such a dark place causes a pain that rivals the bitter cold of winter.

Biting, burning, bone-chilling, no escape.