step forward

one step forward is huge

The pre-toddler works out for months before he or she takes their first step

laying on their stomach arching their back like their flying

bouncing while holding your hands,

holding on to furniture to just stand there

it takes work and dedication and time.

one step forward is huge

for an adult it means that the three things that knocked you down are neutralized

and after getting through the shit you took another step

so you really took four steps to get to one step forward.

it takes work and dedication and time.

I see that the lost one takes a step forward

a small step but a forward step,

outsiders see chaos and misdirection

but when asked the lost one says

"but I think, I took a step forward"

Others will say:

but what if it doesnt work

but what if this

and what if that

the lost one feels confused, diswayed

but using me to hold his ground he says

"I took a step forward"

"a small step but a forward step "

Others say

there are needs you are not taking care of

I need you to do this

you need to to that

and the lost one stumbles a bit

feeling insecure and unsure

then I tell the lost one that

"I took a step forward"

"a small step, but a step forward"

"and I KNOW what my next step will be"

The lost one leaning against me tells the needy others

"I know you need, but I took a step forward

"a small step, but a step forward"

"and I think I know what my next step should be"

The others say

don't forget what you used to say

don't forget our need

don't forget about this

don't forget about that

and the lost one feels overwhelmed and broken.,,,,

and I tell the lost one that I have not yet been able to take my second step YET,

but i know it is the right step, and i am close to being able to take it.

and the lost one resists the needy,

and in doing so resists the forced mediocrity of following the others

and he says proudly with chest out and head held high

"I took a step forward"

"a small step but a forward step "

"and it was ME that took that step"

"and I KNOW what my next step will be"

6:30pm

I sitting in a room full of hard core spiritualists

you know

contact people from the other side

Near death experiences

seances

tea leafs

crystal balls

tarot cards

oui ja boards

I ended up here because I thought a woman that I thought was pretty asked me what time is it.

small talk pursued

and smiles

and her curling her hair with her finger

and her touching my arm when she laughed

and trading phone numbers

the first date was at my favorite restaurant

the date ended with chivalry and chastity

and a promise for another date

next Saturday she said

I said yes.

next day I shot her a text

suggested a movie or a play

she responded back "I'll pick the place"

just be at my apartment at 6:30pm

during the week I tried to get her to tell me what she had planned

and her reply was always the same

"you will enjoy yourself" be at my apartment at 6:30pm

I tried the ploy of "what should I wear?" formal, casual, BBQ?

she said anything comfortable

"you will enjoy yourself" be at my apartment at 6:30pm

so Saturday night finally gets here

I as instructed am ringing her door bell at 6:30pm

she invites me into her apartment

Only a few small lights are on

there are a few candles lit here and there

mellow music was playing

There was wine breathing in two glasses

and a fragrant incense burning

she is looking very beautiful in the romantic light of a flickering candle as we sip wine and eat some cheese and crackers she had set out before my arrival.

then a knock at the door, she says "come in" and a herd of people come rolling in through the door, loud chatter,

"ohhhh hi"

"so your her new man"

"your apartment looks great, I love the painting technique on the walls"

and so i find myself in a room full of people that want to talk to the dead.

I don't dis-believe, but I don't really want to spend my Saturday night with these people.

I was looking for relationship, camaraderie, life partner, love.

My mind was racing on how to get out of this, I did like the woman, so I wanted to see if we had something, so I did not want to be leave now and ruin my chances.

my thoughts were broken by someone asking me to ask the OuiJa board something.

I think to myself, this is so not me, and what a waste of time.

but after much thought and some push back from the group I came on the question:

"what should I do with my life?"

and in the background was some freak humming

and tea leaves being read

and the woman that I thought was beautiful was in this trance like state with her hand on the Planchette

I reluctantly do the same as do two others

then some says "the question has been asked, oh spirits in this room please guide this lost soul"

The planchette starts to move around randomly then stops on a letter, then randomly moves and stops on another letter, a fifth person is watching and recording the letters as it stops.

I am expecting some mumbo jumble of letters, that I am then to make into words, but I pay no attention to the letters i just am along for the ride waiting for this horrible night to be over.

Then the planchette moves off the board, and the person that started this spoke and said "wheh that was good, I really felt a strong spirit" and looks up to the fifth person and asks him to hand to me my answer.

I look at the piece of paper and saw what look like a jumble of letters, but then it became very clear to me the message.

the message was" Go find someone who likes what you like"

and with that I left her apartment

no "s"

Our time together long, began at 18 and endured through graduating college and beyond.

mom and dad thought marriage

we did not need any paper to proclaim our undying affection and love.

from dorm to apartment,.. to our very own home, we knew we were made for each other.

change, confrontation, and turmoil, all handled like mom and dad - together.

I,.. confident in our love,

and with my faith well-founded in you

you told me to invite him to that one party,

you told me you liked him

you thought he could become the loving brother I never had.

I allowed him in,

I welcomed him,

I did need him,

another man to talk with

a friend to go to the bar with

he became my confidant,

and, ... he did,... become the loving brother I never had,....

N O W,...

melancholy full

feeling down,

like a bolder falling from a cliff creating an avalanche of pain

on the journey to the bottom.

my woe exhaled in every breath

I,... now alone in the middle of nowhere,... on a night with no moon, with only a fire to talk to.

the agony burned into me like the knife I pull from the blazing fire

and touch it to my tattooed arm where your name reminded me ,..of my love for you.

the charring will deform, and defile. but will be nothing compared to the torture you have inflicted upon my heart,

the growing boil upon my arm will be beautiful compared to the thought of you with him.

and the man that I loved like a brother, ....the man that took you away from our home,......

he became the knife that burned me.

private and public me

And why do I even bother,

damaged and beyond repair,

I had my chance but had the wrong people.

why do damaged people seek damaged people?

I have no focus

no desire

no reason to wake up

so I wander through the days doing what I am told is most urgent

no plan

no mission

no goals

just doing

outsiders think I get a lot done

think I lead my life

think i achieved my goals

think sometimes that i am wonderful

think i am a good man.

but my private self thinks the opposite

thinks I am lazy

thinks i am selfish

thinks I am uncaring

thinks I wander through life, certainly no lead it.

I waste so much time doing nothing there are no words or pictures to describe it.

My private self doesn't think I'm a sociopath

I care a little bit,

I don't set out to use people

but sometimes I do use people,

so maybe I am a sociopath

and then someone tells me,

"thanks for talking with me yesterday, I really needed that"

and another person said

"I took your advice, and I feel better than I have in years"

and another person said

"God has given you a gift, thank you for being part of my life"

so Maybe i am not a sociopath,

maybe I am just confused and lost,

and then I met a man that said

"we are not as bad as our private self, nor are we as good as our public self"

the private me sees a lazy looser

the public me portrays a confident helping soul

I wonder what the truth really is?

I feel nothing

I Feel nothing.

the hard normally uncomfortable chairs that makes my back and ass hurt with equal intensity, created to look inviting, inviting enough to have a coffee and look out over the book store, but designed to be just comfortable for 5 minutes after which you feet fall asleep.

But tonight, I feel none of that.

I feel nothing.

The young beautiful people with there perfectly smooth skin and beautiful teeth just inside those desirable lips, and wonderfully rounded body parts, sometimes they show just enough of their firm flat stomachs by taking a long stretch while arching their back, reaching their arms high in the sky which leads to fantasies of the unmentionable pleasure felt when there is skin on skin.

but tonight, no one evokes such feelings.

I feel nothing.

Reading about and seeing pictures of exotic cars and the frustration of the present with the overwhelming regret of past choices that force me into fantasy for escape (like winning the lottery) and the sorrow so overwhelming that I would normally take a big swig of the too hot, too bitter coffee just to focus on the physical pain instead of the mental anguish of the present, so I can forget just for a moment how life really sucks.

but tonight, I feel none of that.

I feel nothing.

flipping through the art magazines, seeing in incredible creativity, and sometimes the anger, and fear, and lust, but more times than not feeling confused, and a longing for talent, and a regret that is a hole in my core, for not having talent like that.

but tonight, I feel no envy.

I feel nothing.

A group of teenagers harass me as I go to my car, one boy steals another boys hat and offers it to me, another stands in front of me and put is on my head, and asks for 20 bucks. The disgust mix with fear and frustration, usually caused intelligible words to come out, it doesn't matter the kids call me names and give me a little shove, then take the hat back, seems I got the worst of the deal,

but tonight there is no rush of adrenalin, no self talk of "I should have"

I feel nothing.

Phoebe and Jack

cant stop

gotta look

got to have...

I cant stop its driving me crazy

the beauty

the perfection

the mystery

I need to be near

its driving me crazy

every time he walks by I have to look,

and inhale deeply in futile hope, to feel his scent. To inhale his very essence.

he is cautious of me, because he thinks I will hurt him.

last time I got him, I did not hurt him, I just brought him close to me

so I can feel him,

smell him,

gently put my mouth on him

and yes I did lick him and slobber on him

but I didn't hurt him,

he says i would have if those people didn't stop me.

"stay away"

"leave him alone"

"just don't worry yourself about him"

that's what the people say.

but he is so,

so,

so in-describable,

when I look at him my soul stirs in a way that words can't describe

he is so much of everything I like,

I've got to have him.

He has to like me,

if I can just get him alone again I can tell him

and if he won't listen

at least I'll be close.

and if he won't listen

I will pin him down and inhale his beauty

and if he won't listen still

I will be the last thing he sees while i crush the life out of him

slowly,

lovingly,

feeling like I have never felt before.

cut the crust off please

little miss white bread

with her turkey and tasteless white-cheese on white bread

pouts to the man across the table

"the crust is too hard" she whines "please cut it for me"

he comes to the rescue with knife and slices

slices off the crust

slowly precisely as if he has planned this moment,

fantasized about slowly with surgical precision

cut,

cut

cutting

first one side

then the other

then flip her over

and cut more

and finally cut the last time.

and the woman asks "whats the matter, you look so sad all of a sudden"

he replies "sad, no, just deep in thought,.. dear"

and as she begins to eat her now crust-less sandwich he savors the crust

the part of the sandwich that she will never know about and with it his fantasy continues.

addiction

the image is burned into my very core,

every where I look I see it

when people talk I think of it

when I'm alone i long for it,

I play with fantasy of it during the day

intelligence is no match for the emotion

the computer screen shows it to me,

and blurs the spreadsheet that I am working on.

then for a moment, brief though it is, I get relief

I can think again, I can see the bright blue skies

I feel the loving hug from my family

and I feel regret and guilt

and it starts to come into view,

I try not to look at it

and I feel frustration and fear

and waves of hopelessness pound me

and it starts to call my name

and I try not to hear it

and I try to remember the love of my family

and I try to remember the happy times without it

but again everywhere I look I see it

there are no words to explain it

its image is burned into my core.

I need to do this lady

"I am getting to drunk to drive home, can you help?" says the lady sitting next to me at the bar.
A slightly classy joint, where they have replaced live musicians with a mellow sound system that has a great mix of mellow jazz, Frank Sinatra, Stevie Wonder, and Tony Bennett.

Looking for small talk, she sees on the TV above the bar, a show about golf lessons and asks me "What are they doing?" as she scoots a little closer to me.

I reply "it is a golf lesson, and yes he is really hitting the ball, but it goes into a net, and a giant projection screen makes it look like he is on an actual golf course"

She makes a joke that is funny only to her, and gently touches my leg.

We make small talk, and she is looking at me intently, and twirling her hair with her fingers. She rocks and laughs and touches me again, and again, and again.

In conversation I can see that she is truly one of those stupid, inexperienced people that has used her firm smooth body, cleavage, and perfect lips to get what she needs in life.

Some more TV watching, comments on music, and small-talk about movies. Some time passes and she makes the statement again "I am getting to drunk to drive myself home"

I look and see no evidence of a wedding ring, even when you take one off there is a tell-tale indentation or a subconscious touching of what is no longer there.

During the minutes that pass I see she is not drinking that much, well not drinking as much as a person "to drunk to drive" would drink. The conversation goes to the deal she got two meals for the price of one, and tells me she is between jobs.

Seems to me asking a stranger to drive you home is an invite to have one night of shallow intimacy.

So wanting to keep conversation going I ask her "What brings you to this restaurant's bar in this part of the city tonight?"

She said "She had dropped her son off at the gym around the corner, and while he is working out she decided to come here." Which totally contradicted all of the signals I had been reading. One night stands and children don't go together.

I feigning interest asked "Oh and how old is he?"

She answered "He just turned 18 yesterday, yeah he is not my little boy any more."

With that she ordered another glass of white house wine, and while sipping looked straight ahead at the meaninglessness of all the alcohol bottles lined up so perfectly in front of the huge mirror.

As I looked at her beauty, my eyes gravitated toward her face as she sipped her wine, and saw her as her, not as one night of meaningless intimacy.

She is lonely, and so desperately wants someone in her life.

Her little boy is turning into an independent man, and will be leaving her soon. She has nothing left in her life, no career to push out the lonely feelings, no person to come home to, no one to be home for.

She feels a loneliness so deep, so debilitating.

Not knowing which way to turn, she tries what worked almost 19 years ago.

Silence

he always wanted more out of life than his parents could offer him.

so as a teen he stayed in shape strong, flexible, no extra fat

he needed to be prepared for his future

although he did not know what that would be.

high school years were normal, well normal for high school

experimenting with different people

looking for different highs

trying to avoid his parents

he really liked movies and saw where money could fall from the sky

he was a mediocre actor

but took drama all years of high school

and was even in a few plays

once he had the lead role,

he liked the attention that gave him,

he liked pretending to be something he knew inside he was not.

he acted the leading man

strong

secure

a person that liked, loved and respected himself.

but he was none of those things

he was young and strong and fit

a beauty, handsome

anyone seeing him would think so,

a swimmers physique, is how one described him, although he did not go into sports.

lost at 18

high school over

parents divorced

no money

no prospects

he thought about how to get out of the place he was in

bouncing from parent to parent as they tired of his moods

he really liked acting, but the one thing his parents Could agree upon, was that he could never make it into the movies. He would scream back how wrong they were, that he would make it big and they would be sorry for trying to crush his future.

he stopped talking to both of them and moved out of their little town to find success

he tried,

auditioned

pleaded

practiced

and found nothing,

and then one night while he was trolling the internet for escape

he realized exactly what he should do

he saw a small movie company in his area and he applied,

his good looks and youth were all they needed.

for very little they paid him a lot

so he went back

they asked him for more and he gave it uneasily but they paid him very well

so he went back

having pushed him this far they pushed him the rest of the way too his future

a future of acting

a future of lots of money

and it was his dad that stumbled on to one of his movies,

who then told his ex-wife his acting was not all that good, not bad, but not great

but he was very beautiful on the screen

and she said well did you bring the movie with you, I only get an occasional "I'm alive mom" he didn't tell me he was in a movie.

and the father said, " I don't think you will want to see this one, I know I did not"

and she said "well no matter how bad it is, its still our son, we should be proud"

and the father sat there looking at his ex-wife thinking of their little boy, and the childhood, the messy divorce, the infidelity,

and after a long silence the man had the look of extreme sorry, and shame

and inhaled deeply

and exhaled long and slow

and the father said "our son is the star of a gay porno..."